Your assignment

Persuade me that you need a magic wand.


About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort

    That’s not a magic wand : That’s not even a wizard staff.

    That’s a khakkhara… it’s a Buddhist ritual staff and/or weapon.

    If anything, that mouse is a monk.

    • neptis

      If anything, that mouse is a monk.

      In fact, that mouse is probably a dwarf hamster.

      • Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort

        That’s just absurd. Who’s ever heard of a Dwarf Monk?

        • Janstince

          I LOL’d so hard.

  • Ubi Dubium


    POOF! Brussels sprouts now taste like bacon.

    POOF! All the other food that’s good for you now tastes like the food that’s bad for you. And chocolate now has negative calories.

    POOF! The internet trolls find that all their computers have been changed into science books.

    POOF! We don’t need any “atheist websites” anymore because humanity finally grew up and stopped believing in fairies.

    POOF! Any man who makes a skeezy comment or advance to a lady must now spend the next week trying to function as an attractive 20-year-old woman.

    Can I haz a wand now?

    • brianpansky


    • Pierce R. Butler

      Any man who makes a skeezy comment or advance to a lady must now spend the next week trying to function as an attractive 20-year-old woman.

      Hmmm… wow. Hey honey, I was able to control myself before I got a good look at you!

      • Pierce R. Butler

        *Looks in mirror*


  • Neal

    To this day, I have never performed a magical spell. I have also never owned a magic wand. Obviously, the cause of my lack of magical ability is a direct effect of my lack of wand. Post hoc ergo prompter hoc. But this time it’s for realsies.

    (Yes, I spoke in Latin, and said the phrase “for realsies” in the subsequent sentence.)

  • julian

    I have a dex score of 18. I could put that thing to damn good use.

  • Glodson

    I have a two year old daughter with an active imagination. In her hands, the wand really will be magical.

  • themojohand

    I’ll just leave this here.

  • BaisBlackfingers

    The only effective way to solve all of those first world problems?

  • Jeffrey
  • MandaSauce

    I’m a spontaneous caster who took eschew materials at first level, so I don’t need no frickin’ material components for MY spells.

  • Mr Ed

    I have extraordinary psychic ability. If I’m asked to pick the suit of a card or the gender of an expectant mother’s baby my chances of being correct are far below random chance. If you flip a coin and I guess heads it will be tails, if I try and out wit myself and guess tails it will be heads. I need a magic wand just to get back to plan old normal.

  • Zugswang

    I sense that this is a test.

    I don’t need a magic wand, magic is baloney. I need a science stick. A ruler, thermometer, or stir bar will do.

    • Ubi Dubium

      I’d be happy with a clue-by-four.

  • WMDKitty

    I already have a wand, thanks. About a foot long, made of rosewood, currently residing on a shelf.

  • Anteprepro

    Well, here is the basics of my case for why I need the magic wand:

    First off, I have no magic items at all. And I suspect I am an arcane caster who is incapable of casting spells. I will illustrate.

    I would summarize my stats as follows:
    Str. 7
    Dex. 8
    Con. 9
    Int. 16
    Wis. 12
    Cha. 8

    I am proficient only with simple weapons, with no shields or armors, and only have above average skill in seven skills:
    Concentration, diplomacy, sense motive, and several knowledges (a very small amount in history and local, max in nature and religion). My alignment is neutral on the chaotic-lawful axis and either good or neutral on the good-evil axis.

    Given my stats and proficiencies, it is clear that I am probably not a combat type class. I am too calm to be a barbarian, too unrefined in combat to be a fighter, with too weak of a fist to be a monk, and don’t have enough of a stick up my ass to be a paladin.

    I am not an outdoorsy type, despite my knowledge of nature. I can’t track worth a damn, and I have no combat skills, so I’m probably not a ranger. In addition, I have no discernible advantage on Survival checks, have no animal companion, and don’t know Druidic, so I am no druid. And I am probably not a cleric, since I am an atheist, and have no Philosophy that I hold that is strong enough to receive magical powers from. Also, I’m pretty sure I can’t turn undead, otherwise my “No Solicitors” sign would actually be obeyed.

    I am not psionic in any way, and can take Randi’s Million Dollar Challenge to prove it.

    I am no performer, and I am virtually incapable of getting news through the grapevine. I am not a bard. I couldn’t find a trap worth a damn, and couldn’t sneak up on someone ever, let alone have a more effective attack due to stealth. I am not a rogue. I am not rich enough to be an aristocrat. I have too many non-class skills to be a commoner or a warrior (and a warrior is a combat class, so…). I have not enough skills to be an expert.

    As a result, the only remaining option that makes any sense is that I am an arcane caster class. Yet, I have never cast a spell in my life! There are two possible reasons:
    -I am a sorcerer whose Charisma is too low to cast spells.
    -I am a wizard who lost my spellbook and forgot all my spells as a result.

    Now, only casters can use a magic wand, but even if my Charisma is too low or I don’t know the spell myself, I can still trigger any magic wand with an arcane spell inside. Therefore, this wand would allow me to overcome whatever handicap I have and cast spells for the first time in my life. Anyone else in that same condition probably isn’t a caster and thus probably couldn’t even activate the wand! I need this wand. I am the perfect case of someone who could use it and benefit from it immensely.

    Thank you for your time,

    Sir Antepre of Pro

    • anthonyallen

      Judging by the eloquence of that post, I’d say that your charisma is far higher than 8.

      • Anteprepro

        Thank you, thank you. But I was more focusing on Charisma in terms of leadership ability, persuasiveness, and physical attractiveness. I am only eloquent in writing, and I considered more Int than Cha related.

        (whisper) If you convince them that I have a Charisma of 10 or above, then half of my theory is blown to shit! Ixnay on the atteryflay! (/whisper)

  • Dez

    All hail lemmiwinks!!