The zombie apocalypse is starting

They said I was wasting my time spending hours each night reading through obscure news sites.  But no, I was keeping an eye out for the inevitable.  Every hour you can get a jump on the outbreak dramatically increases your chance of survival.

Lucky for all of you, there are ever vigilant people like me out there who can inform you when the shit’s about to hit the fan.  That time is now.  It’s starting.

Remember, in the initial stages of the outbreak it’s best to hunker down.  If you’re out in the open you’re fighting two enemies: the zeds, but also panicked human beings who can be even more dangerous.  You don’t want to move until you’re certain you’ll only be facing one of those groups.

So I won’t be at work today.  I’ve just spent all night zombie-proofing my house and am holed up in my second-story bedroom.  I took a sledgehammer to the staircase, which would totally piss off the landlord except she’ll undoubtedly be a shambling corpse by sunrise.  She should’ve been more alert.

Here are some other pro tips:

1.  Stay informed.  Until TV and radio go out, keep an eye on how things are developing.  Is the outbreak contained?  Is it spreading?  Where are some safe spots for when you have to move.

2.  Stay stealthy.  The best way to not get eaten is to not be seen.  Shooting a gun is like ringing a dinner bell, not only for more zombies, but for bandits who might be salivating over whatever resources you have.  Your goal is to survive, not to be the next John Wayne.

3.  Cardio.

4.  Think ahead!  Gonna stay put during the initial stages?  Fill every vessel from sinks to bathtubs to champagne glasses with water.  You’ll need it.  Failing to plan is planning to fail.

5.  Stay off roads.  During the first stages of the outbreak people will saturate the highways trying to get out of town.  This will create traffic jams that will turn the poor fleeing saps into canned food for the living dead.  That means when you’re finally moving those cars will still be full of them.  What’s more, bandits will be watching them for potential victims to loot.  If you have to use the roads to orient yourself while traveling, move in the treeline and keep your eyes on the road from a distance.

Good luck everybody.  Remember, praying won’t save your ass.  You’ll all probably be dead soon.  Thanks for reading before that.

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