The zombie apocalypse is starting

They said I was wasting my time spending hours each night reading through obscure news sites.  But no, I was keeping an eye out for the inevitable.  Every hour you can get a jump on the outbreak dramatically increases your chance of survival.

Lucky for all of you, there are ever vigilant people like me out there who can inform you when the shit’s about to hit the fan.  That time is now.  It’s starting.

Remember, in the initial stages of the outbreak it’s best to hunker down.  If you’re out in the open you’re fighting two enemies: the zeds, but also panicked human beings who can be even more dangerous.  You don’t want to move until you’re certain you’ll only be facing one of those groups.

So I won’t be at work today.  I’ve just spent all night zombie-proofing my house and am holed up in my second-story bedroom.  I took a sledgehammer to the staircase, which would totally piss off the landlord except she’ll undoubtedly be a shambling corpse by sunrise.  She should’ve been more alert.

Here are some other pro tips:

1.  Stay informed.  Until TV and radio go out, keep an eye on how things are developing.  Is the outbreak contained?  Is it spreading?  Where are some safe spots for when you have to move.

2.  Stay stealthy.  The best way to not get eaten is to not be seen.  Shooting a gun is like ringing a dinner bell, not only for more zombies, but for bandits who might be salivating over whatever resources you have.  Your goal is to survive, not to be the next John Wayne.

3.  Cardio.

4.  Think ahead!  Gonna stay put during the initial stages?  Fill every vessel from sinks to bathtubs to champagne glasses with water.  You’ll need it.  Failing to plan is planning to fail.

5.  Stay off roads.  During the first stages of the outbreak people will saturate the highways trying to get out of town.  This will create traffic jams that will turn the poor fleeing saps into canned food for the living dead.  That means when you’re finally moving those cars will still be full of them.  What’s more, bandits will be watching them for potential victims to loot.  If you have to use the roads to orient yourself while traveling, move in the treeline and keep your eyes on the road from a distance.

Good luck everybody.  Remember, praying won’t save your ass.  You’ll all probably be dead soon.  Thanks for reading before that.

You guys are wonderful.
PERSONAL: The corrupting power of fame and my love for my commenters.
PERSONAL: Sorry to disappoint you, Julian.
PERSONAL: Happy birthday, Hitch.
About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Zengaze

    Hold up JT.

    I think you’re jumping the gun a bit, all the evidence so far about zombie encounters are anecdotal, I’m not convinced that even if the zombie apocalypse is coming that it’s happening now, I had a look outside, and everything’s fine here.

    I suggest we ask Richard Carrier to undertake a definitive study as to the historicity of zombies, that should settle the question once and for all.

  • Laurence

    I think cries of zombie apocalypse are a way of trivializing these events.

  • otocump

    On the Historicity of The Living Dead: The Zomebination of the Truth.

    This needs to be a thing with a real author.

  • a miasma of incandescent plasma

    You forgot “Double-tap”

  • doctorburger

    >Where are some safe spots for when you have to move.

    There are no safe spots. Only safer spots.

  • Randomfactor

    Remember, in the initial stages of the outbreak it’s best to hunker down.

    So wrong. You have to hit them FAST or they’ll overwhelm you in the end with sheer numbers.

  • Improbable Joe

    So wrong. You have to hit them FAST or they’ll overwhelm you in the end with sheer numbers.

    Well, no… the MILITARY needs to hit them FAST. The rest of us need to stay out of the way! If the uninfected stay hunkered down, it is easy for the folks with the big guns to shoot everything that moves.

    • Randomfactor

      Now, Joe, you KNOW how this always plays out…with a zombie croaking into a radio microphone “send…more…troops…”

      You just can’t trust the armed forces. They’re always fighting the LAST zombie apocalypse.

  • Improbable Joe

    All I know is that my wife was pretty pissed off at me last night when I talked about spending all of our extra money on sheets of wood and metal to cover the windows with, but I might get away with buying a bush hook.

  • Victoria

    You should read Feed by Mira Grant. It’s an awesome zombie book!

    • Improbable Joe

      Have you read all three books in the series yet? The last book came out a couple of weeks ago, and it pays off pretty well (if a bit improbably) by the end of it.

  • chrisj

    Just remember not to prioritise your cooking.

  • fastlane

    I have a nice collection of reusable weapons (Swords, axe, spear, bow/arrows) that are probably better in a lot of ways than firearms, but they do take a little more training to use effectively.

    The spear in particular, is a highly recommended weapon to fend of zombies…keeps them out of reach, and in my case, the blade is large enough for hewing as well as thrusting. =)

  • Deanna Joy Lyons

    @chrisj, thank you for that instructional video. I needed a good case of the giggles. :)

    @fastlane, looks like I should spend the zombie apocalypse at your place. The roughest hand-to-hand weapon I have is my spongemop and a large hunting knife. I can bake pies!

  • Aliasalpha

    This reminds me, I really must jump on youtube & check out vids of Telltale’s The Waking Dead, looks like the game has potential to be cool.