Ebony Dixon tries to save my soul.

Ebony Dixon found my post on the American Bible Challenge and decided to take a stab at saving my soul.

This makes me sad to know that people flat out ignore or try too, the fact that GOD is real and HE is very much in control of things that go on in this life.

You’re probably going to give me a piece of evidence before claiming I’m ignoring it, right?

There is accountability attached to every word you speak

Even more so now since a bunch of people are reading what you said.  Represent Christ well.

and everything that you do. I pray that the Gospel will be presented to each of you in a way that will make you discard your doubts…

Good job.  Use the time you have our attention to type a prayer that someone else will do it.

…your blasphemy, your distrust of the bible…

Give.  Me. A reason.

…and repent of your sinful ways so that you may give your lives to Christ.

Sinning is a lot of fun.  You’d better have a damn good offer on the table.

You are still alive because there is still time for you to change your mind before it’s to late.

That, and oxygen.  Mostly oxygen.

I believe that it is everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I am just expressing mine.

I love how you defend yourself against an accusation nobody made.  Like running into a police station screaming that you didn’t murder someone.

I was trying to find out how to sign up for the American Bible Challenge and this is where google took me… I don’t believe that this was a coincidence.

 

It wasn’t.  It’s analytics.  I’m a popular guy.

I believe GOD allowed it.

Because you don’t know how google’s metrics work.  Like saying god lifted the airplane when you don’t know squat about physics.  When you form opinions based on feelings rather than research and then vocalize them as though you’re reliable, you wind up looking dumb.  When faith appears to be the thing that gave you certainty in stupid opinions, you reinforce my position that Christianity makes people worse.

So…thanks.

This may be the last chance for anyone reading this to except Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Promise?

GOD and man were cool

One human ate an apple.  That fucker drowned all of humanity.  Boy, are we ever the ones who fucked up.

Man disobeyed GOD (which is a sin)

Isaac should’ve been so lucky.

Sin separated man and GOD

Evidence?

Jesus came to be the bridge to connect GOD and man back together

Evidence?  Ever think that maybe we ignore you because you’re more concerned with what you believe than why anybody else should believe it?

Also, let’s chat about what a real savor looks like.

There is no other name where man can be saved

That sentence makes zero sense.

No man comes to the Father (GOD) without going through the son (Jesus)

Thanks for the super helpful parenthesis.

That’s an awfully silly system for a god who presumably wants us in heaven.  Couldn’t god have said, “Hrm, since I intended for humans to be able to live up to my standards, and nobody has lived up to my standards in all of existence, maybe I fucked up the design or set the bar too high?  I guess I’ll just lower the bar without brutally murdering my son”?

 

If you would like to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior say this prayer…

Dear lord, please make my enemies ridiculous…

Dear GOD, I recognize that I am a sinner and that I need help.

Don’t need help from the guy who thought killing people for working on Saturday made good moral sense.  But go on, dude who worships that guy, tell me how terrible I am and how much help I need.

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again.

I don’t.  Because people rising from the dead is ridiculous.  Because I treat my beliefs like their accuracy is important, I don’t believe in ridiculous things without evidence.

So I would like for Him to come into my heart and help me to live a new life so that I can live in right relationship with you.

A new life where I can give up 10% of the money I fucking earned every week?  Can’t sign up fast enough!

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Ever notice Jesus doesn’t talk back?  There’s a reason for that.

If you prayed this prayer, you have been born again.

I feel no different than I did thirty seconds ago.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that GOD raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved.

Or gullible.  Definitely one of those two.

I pray that GOD will lead you to a church that will teach you the Word of GOD and surround you with people who will be an example of godly living.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • http://www.nobelief.net Jasper of Maine (I feel safe and welcome at FTB)

    You’re probably going to give me a piece of evidence before claiming I’m ignoring it, right?

    Verily I say to him – how can we tell the difference between ignoring something that doesn’t exist, and ignoring something that doesn’t have any evidence that it exists?

    • carmenslade

      You mean like Santy Clausz

      • Adam Thompson

        Hey! Santa Claus still brings me presents every year! Says so right on the tags!

        • http://nssphoenix.wordpress.com drdave

          My tags say Sandy Claws. Probably my cat.

  • baal

    Dear GOD, I recognize that I am a sinner and that I need help.

    “But go on, dude who worships that guy, tell me how terrible I am and how much help I need.”

    You know who else uses negging? Pick Up Artists.

  • http://www.atheistforums.org Jeremy

    Ah, the rambling of tireless internet missionairies never gets old does it?

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you have rejected this eloquent and interesting unique argument, right?

  • Reginald Selkirk

    If God really wanted people to be saved, why didn’t He make it so that salvation relies on eating cake and ice cream, rather than believing that Mr. All-Good arranged for His Son to be murdered?

    • Amyc

      If only that were true, then gluttony wouldn’t be a sin (as if they pay attention to that one).

  • http://www.nobelief.net Jasper of Maine (I feel safe and welcome at FTB)

    It’s almost as though this person thinks that by mere decree and preaching poetically that he’s going to somehow convince you. It’s weird.

  • http://reasonableconversation.wordpress.com Kaoru Negisa

    That’s an awfully silly system for a god who presumably wants us in heaven. Couldn’t god have said, “Hrm, since I intended for humans to be able to live up to my standards, and nobody has lived up to my standards in all of existence, maybe I fucked up the design or set the bar too high? I guess I’ll just lower the bar without brutally murdering my son”?

    This is why I find the Jesus myth to be about a loving god in the same way that it could be about a “loving” abusive parent. Basically it’s god saying, “I forgive you for making me hit you. Just this little bit more pain and we’ll change the rules so all you have to do is one thing: everything I say. You can handle that, right?”

  • marismae

    This reminds me of the girl who tried to convert me in junior high and highschool. I was a mess back then, actually. But it was in no small part due to the scraps of paper with swastikas on them, and mutters of ‘heil hitler’ and the sig heil salutes, and the ‘smells like hitler’ remarks that little christian shits would fling at me to help further ostracize me as the only Jew at the school.

    She would tell me, all nice and sweet – I know what will make you feel better.

    Me (Gullible): What?

    Her: You probably won’t like it.

    Me (Still gullible, and now annoyed): What????

    Her: Just take jesus into your heart and he’ll help you feel better!

    She also prayed for me. And even had my name in RED on her prayer board. It got her about as far as things like this email do! And now I’m even worse. An atheist. GASP! Stuff like that just makes me irrationally angry >.<

    • Amyc

      Holy FSM! What school did you go to? And what Christians were these? I grew up in church and I never even heard of anti-semitism in Christianity until junior high when I read about WWII and started digging into European anti-semitism. I think I was shielded from it as a child because the particular church I went to seemed to have some sort of Judaism fetish. They taught us traditional songs in Hebrew (I can still sing Hava Nagila), and I even had an entire Sunday School class specifically to teach us Jewish customs and holidays. I thought it was really weird when I read that much of today’s anti-semitism stems from Christianity. I’ve never heard, at least in recent years in the U.S., of any such blatant anti-semitism directed toward Jewish students though. I guess I’m still shielded from it a bit.

  • eric

    If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that GOD raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved.

    This one always gets me. Saving is what the people who don’t believe in their heart need. If you already believe, you’ve already got salvation.

    This is like saying: “once you’ve located a life raft, swum to it, levered yourself up into it, fired the flare, and are waiting for the Coast Guard to arrive, God will throw you a life preserver.”

  • anteprepro

    Ick. American Bibble Challenge.

    Washington Post:

    GSN said the questions will be “designed to acknowledge and celebrate the Bible’s continuing importance in contemporary life and culture.”…

    And teams of contestants will represent “worthy faith-based organizations,” said GSN, without elaborating as to how it planned to weed out the unworthy ones…

    Foxworthy recently joined Romney on the Alabama campaign trail after endorsing the GOP candidate via Twitter:

    “Time for Republicans to unite behind Governor Romney, a great leader who can win the White House and rebuild our economy for all Americans,” the comic and self-proclaimed redneck tweeted.”…

    In fairness to show, at least A LOT of the charities are pretty decent. But, then there are the few horrible ones.

    There’s Created Treasures, which aims to use the arts to teach about historical characters. And it counts Biblical history as history.

    There’s Master’s Commission Atlanta, where they teach kids about “Biblical leadership”.

    There’s Eve’s Angels, which aims to help “sex workers” (which includes women in Adult Entertainment!) by preaching Jesus at them.

    There’s The Power Team, which leads athletic performances involving “feats of strength” to preach to people who wouldn’t normally attend church. And they are non-denominational! As long as you are Protestant!

    Oh, and then there’s Joshua’s Place. A church. The GSN site says it’s Georgia’s only integrated church (the only church that doesn’t have members of only one ethnicity?) but the website for the church itself doesn’t make what that means particularly clear. It looks like just another church trying to pretend that it isn’t like all those Other Churches.

    There’s 13 other unobjectionable charities. But the above five are the kind that can make us atheists nod our heads and say “yup, that’s about what I expected from this”. Hopefully the teams supporting those charities don’t win.

  • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

    Now that JT is saved, I mean how could he not be after that, I call dibbs on his Atheist library. I’ll email you my address, ok?

  • Randomfactor

    “Thanks for thinking about me while you pray. Since prayer is a lot like masturbation (without the fun)* guess who I’LL be thinking about tonight to return the favor…”

    *(I think some guy named JT said that once.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

    I was looking through the teams for this show on the Game Show Network website and came across this:

    Team Joshua’s Place
    Hometown: Atlanta, GA
    Charity: Joshua’s Place Church, the only integrated church in their county in Georgia
    Team Members: Olivia Moncrief (student); Katlyn Moncrief (executive assistant); Patsy “Memaw” Burnette (writer). These two sisters and their adventure-loving grandmother love playing Bible trivia. Olivia is a modern-day hippie who wants to work with kids; Katlyn used her faith to overcome low self-esteem; and Memaw watches over her granddaughters — when she’s not planning her upcoming skydiving trip.

    I would like to be gobsmacked by this, but I’m not. I did some quick research and I’m pretty sure we are talking about racial integration here not one of these ‘Family Integrated’ churches.

  • eric

    On top of everything else, thread necromancy from a Christian evangelist. Delicious. Took a lot longer than the requisite 3 days, though.

  • ‘Tis Himself

    The whole redemption by human/god sacrifice doesn’t make any sense to me. The story is that Ol’ Yahweh is annoyed because a couple of humans using the intellect and free will he built into them ate a piece of fruit. He continues to be annoyed even after these folks died, even though their descendents had nothing to do with the act of disobedience and no control over it. Yahweh decides the only way he can get out of his snit is to sacrifice part of himself to himself.

    According to the propaganda, Yahweh is omnipotent. So if he’s upset then he can will himself too be unupset. A simple “POOF, all better” is a whole lot easier than Jesus spending an unpleasant afternoon hanging around the cross.

    Also what’s the sacrifice? Jesus is god. Gods don’t die, it’s in their contract. So Jesus “died” knowing that he and the Wandering Jew would be the only immortal humans.

    No, the redemption thing doesn’t make any sense.

  • sqlrob

    Also, let’s chat about what a real savor looks like.

    Wouldn’t that be the ingredient threads?

    <gdrlh>

  • Kevin K

    Let’s review the theist’s position, shall we?

    God is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-wise, all-just, and all-merciful.

    Once upon a time, God created a petting zoo. He named it “Eden”. In the petting zoo, a pair of animals ate an IQ-raising sin fruit. God kicked them out of the petting zoo and has been pretty much pissed off at that species ever since. So much so that he came down to Earth in human form and KILLED HIMSELF (temporarily, of course) just so that he could feel closer to the pets he’s pissed off at. But not before he flooded the entire Earth, drowning all but 8 of those pets and every puppy and kitten but a pair of each.

    Um…wouldn’t that whole kerfuffle be God’s fault in the first place? For putting the IQ-raising sin-fruit where the pets could get at it. My dog ate a napkin yesterday. I didn’t blame the dog, I blamed me for not throwing the thing away when I cleared the dishes. And I didn’t stay mad at the dog forever. I took him for a walk where he had a nice poop. We were both happy after that.

    • eric

      For putting the IQ-raising sin-fruit where the pets could get at it. My dog ate a napkin yesterday. I didn’t blame the dog, I blamed me…

      We don’t even have to get that metaphorical: if a parent leaves a poisoned fruit out in the open and tells their kid not to eat it, and the kid eats it, how do sane onlookers respond? Horror at the criminally irresponsible parenting decision of the adult, right?

  • Randomfactor

    a pair of animals ate an IQ-raising sin fruit.

    Due entirely to God’s Original Landscaping Error.

  • http://maybeweagree.blogspot.com Jack

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5upE_vP3WU

    Something about the first 1:06 makes me think of you today.

  • DaveL

    So much so that he came down to Earth in human form and KILLED HIMSELF (temporarily, of course)

    Now there’s one thing I don’t get about Christian soteriology.

    If you have children, would you sacrifice your own life to save your child’s? A lot of people would.

    What if your sacrifice would save a whole bunch of children? In fact what if it would save the life of every child on earth? Along with all the adults, including all the people you love? I think a lot more people would.

    Now what if your sacrifice would make it so nobody ever had to die – so that they would have eternal life? I’d call that a pretty big incentive.

    But the instinct towards self-preservation might still be holding some people back at some point – so what if we took some of the sting out of it? How about if you’d only be dead for three days – make that about 36 hours. After that you’d be bodily resurrected and everyone would still be saved. Would you do it then? I think you’d have to be a real dick not to.

    But let’s say we want the real dicks in on this as well. Maybe we could sweeten the pot a little. Let’s say you get resurrected, and we set you up with a brand new mansion and a sizeable personal fortune so you can live in the lap of luxury forevermore?

    Or how about you get resurrected, and then get to reign supreme over the entire universe for ever and ever? Wouldn’t you have to be something way beyond a dick to refuse a deal like that?

    So why worship Jesus? What did he do that anyone wouldn’t have done if offered the same deal? Why not worship the guy who fell on the grenade to save a handful of his friends?

  • Ganner

    These people think their God is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to everyone, and we’re just not paying attention and like sinning, and if they just alert us to what we’re doing, we’ll just wake up and see what’s right in front of our faces. They can’t possibly fathom that we’ve investigated their claims, looked for their god, in many cases been believers before and tried the whole faith thing and prayed these prayers… and realized we still just didn’t see or hear any god, and couldn’t find any reason to think their god or any other god was real.

    • kagekiri

      But, but, but, the BIBLE says that God is super obvious! And it says you’re lying if you say otherwise! So obviously, it’s right and atheists are wrong, because it says it’s right and says atheists are lying evil jerks!

      /tired fundie logic

      The only really original argument for God I’ve heard recently was my dad saying approximately “I’ve seen demons and black magic, therefore God”….which I had to struggle not to laugh at.

      That proves evil spirits (or that my dad just isn’t as rational and reasonable as he thinks…), not God, especially when neither seems to have any freaking influence in the modern world we live in.

  • http://www.facebook.com/charlie.cain chuckcain

    Like saying god lifted the airplane when you don’t know squat about physics.

    Oh… awesome. I’m starting an aircraft manufacturing company aimed at Christian ministers. I’ll save money (since I don’t have much investment capital), by foregoing wings. Their faith shall bear them up. Until the end of the runway, that is.

  • sceptinurse

    —–This may be the last chance for anyone reading this to except Jesus as Lord and Savior.—–

    Haven’t we already done this?

    I been seeing except used instead of accept quite a bit lately. Did someone change the meanings and not tell me?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1017276335 Strewth

      I had a good word nerd chortle at that, yes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nathan.marcy nathanmarcy

      As an atheist, I except Jesus from all aspects of my daily life. ;-)

    • Onamission5

      Oh well damn, you beat me to it!

      What I was going to say was that I except Jesus all the time, I just don’t accept him. I’m excepting Jesus right now in fact. Now, too. And now, and now…

    • John Horstman

      I think it’s just the result of a decades-long war waged on public education by the Right Wing in USA. That, and one of the best ways to learn language and writing is by reading a lot, but since a bunch of our content is online and hasn’t been evaluated and corrected by editors, people more frequently see and imitate incorrect or confusing usage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mike.mellor1 mikemellor

    This makes me sad to know that people flat out ignore or try too/two/tu, the fact that SPIDERMAN is real and HE is very much in control of things that go on in this life.

  • jimmy60

    But atheists do except God.

    • http://www.nobelief.net Jasper of Maine (I feel safe and welcome at FTB)

      I except God about as much as I except Spiderman

    • IslandBrewer

      Except vs. accept.

      I went back up and read her comments, and she does write that.

      Watch, as I now refrain from grammar National Socialism!

  • hypatiasdaughter

    No man comes to the Father (GOD) without going through the son (Jesus)

    ……which makes God the only supreme and/or creator god who sends you to the eternal punishment of hell for believing in and worshiping Him.
    It ain’t about God – just Jesus. Of course, they muddy that fact when they are making speeches or knocking on your door. Pitching a generic godiness pulls in the suckers who would otherwise run from their brand of religion.

  • Christoph Burschka

    I believe GOD allowed it.

    God, Google’s PageRank algorithm, same diff.

  • NightRaith

    I hope these awesome recent posts means your back to your usual bad ass theist pwning self

  • AylaSophia

    Man, am I the only one who finds the all-caps GOD a bit distracting? I get that they want to emphasize the name as important, but where I come from (the internet) capslock means you’re shouting. So I get the impression that someone with no voice modulation is speaking to me and intermittently shouting a word before returning to normal volume.

    … Yes, I went back and read her whole comment aloud, pronouncing most of it in my best public-speaking voice while shouting the word “GOD!” It was surprisingly fun. Now I kinda want to record a video of me doing it and throw it up on youtube, so I can point it out for christians who overuse the capslock.

  • Rebecca Hensler

    It’s like dude wasn’t even trying, just giving the boilerplate conversion rap. Does he get a t-shirt for every 10 atheist bloggers he “tries” to “save”? JT? Check! On to Greta Christina…She’s a heathen AND a pervert; maybe that counts for two!


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