Amphetamines in a bottle

Despite finally getting some sleep last night, I’m still having some physiological effects from my present struggles with mental illness.

Good things: I’m still able to eat and am not hallucinating.  Both generally happen when I’m struggling.  Take that, malfunctioning brain.

Shitty things:  Difficulty sleeping and inability to finish my workouts.  I’ve thrown up during my workouts the last two days and have been unable to finish them.  But I’m not pushing myself an insane amount, as I also tend to do when I’m at the bottom, so that’s good.

Anyway, at the gym today I thought I should drink something replenishing to help.  The gym was all out of Gatorade, so I grabbed an ABB Ripped Force Orange because it only had 90 calories.  I didn’t realize it was a carbonated drink (why the hell would anyone do that with a workout drink?) which probably contributed to me finishing my workout five minutes early and throwing up again.

And yet, right now I want to run a fucking marathon.

“Why is this?” I ask myself.  Then I check out the nutritional info of the ABB drink and find it has 200mg of caffeine.

“Is that a lot?” I wonder.  I don’t drink coffee or soda, so I don’t really know.  I looked up how much caffeine is in a Red Bull, since I’ve had a couple of those in my life and each time wound up in an impromptu head-butting contest with the masonry of the local library, so that would give me a basis for comparison.  How many ABB Ripped Forces would I have to drink to equal one Red Bull?

The answer?  2/5 of one.  ABB Ripped Force has 250% of the caffeine in a red bull.  I’d have to down two and a half red bulls to equal one of these things.

And at only 90 calories, you can conquer the globe and keep your washboard abs.  Find whatever laboratory unleashed these upon the world and give them a fucking Nobel Prize or two.

At this moment I’m pretty much convinced that the Hulk ain’t got shit on me.  If you’re hiding protein anywhere in your house, take your kids and leave your house right now before I run through your walls.  I want to invent a zombie virus just so I can fight an army of them.  Right now I literally lust after a knife fight with Rambo (where I would immediately throw away my knife).

My trainer texted me to tell me my appointment tomorrow is at 9:30am.

The truth apparently makes your heart explode.  No wonder religious people avoid it like the plague.

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About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.