Praise the text message

Date: Mon, Aug 6, 2012 at 6:06 PM
Subject:  Text message alerts

My name is James Pelton, I am a member of Indian Hills Community Church in Lincoln, NE.

My church has been looking around for some time for a ‘Text Alert System’ to allow the church to send out SMS text messages to its members cell-phones letting them know about upcoming events, choir rehersals, weather closings, etc.  We looked and looked but have not been able to find this kind of a system for less than $50-$60 per month.

So, I have developed my own text alert system.  I thought I would check around with other churches and organizations to see if they are in need of a similar system.

Contacting people this way is ideal for churches, especially high school and college groups, as well as choirs and orchestras.

You can see details of this Text Alert System at  There is no fee per message, and no limit to how many messages you can send.

Let me know if this is something you would be interested in, you can visit to request a free test account, and see exactly how it will work.

James Pelton

‘By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples.’ – John 15:8

Date: Tue, Aug 7, 2012 at 7:11 AM
Subject:  Re: Text message alerts


That sounds like a great idea!  I hear the kids nowadays don’t even use their phones for calling and that it’s, to steal a colloquialism from their generation, all about that shiz.  Sorry, I should’ve said “to borrow” – eighth commandment.

My only issue is that no part of your system appears to come from the LORD.  You see, human minds discovered electromagnetism and all the components of the cellular telephone.  We conceived of the characters that make up the English language.  Even you, though clever, are still just a man, which means your text system is a product of the knowledge of man.  I’m very wary of relying on the wisdom of man on a lot of matters from evolution to courtesy flushes.

Could I get your assurance that JESUS inspired you to this project?  Otherwise, how do I know that I’m trusting in the LORD and not the wisdom of man?


“Blessed is he who shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children.” ~ Ezekiel 25:17

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About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Jasper of Maine (I feel safe and welcome at FTB)

    Date: Tue, Aug 7, 2012 at 7:11 AM
    Subject: Re: Text message alerts


    You can’t afford $60 a month? What does all the tithing go to?

    “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” ~ Ezekiel 23:20

    • JT Eberhard

      Good catch. :)

    • tubi

      That was my first thought as well, given how much JT has said in the past it costs SSA for things like preventing DoS attacks and such. Technology is expensive.

      Also, I wonder how much James plans to charge after the free test period is up?

      • Chrisj

        I just assumed he was harvesting the numbers for selling to phone-spammers.

    • IslandBrewer

      Every time that bible verse comes up in conversation (yes, I have strange friends), I always have to do the stereotype porn music “Bow-Chicka Wow-wow”. I think bibles should be made to make that wah-wah guitar music every time you open it up to that Ezekiel chapter.

      And have illustrations.

  • Dantalion

    Ezekiel 20:25
    Wherefore I gave them also statutes that were not good, and judgments whereby they should not live.

  •!/Erulora Erülóra Maikalambe

    You naughty boy. Do let us know if you get a response.

  • Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort

    Date: Tue, Aug 7, 2012 at 10:25 AM
    Subject: Re: Text message alerts


    Shouldn’t you point out that text messages are indeed subject to fees from your mobile carrier? Would hate to have a bunch of your church-goers face huge cell phone bills cause they’re sending out a bunch of text messages.

    “And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.” ~ Armaments 2:18

    • bbgunn

      Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort @ #4:

      Would you prefer your shiny Internet crafted in gold or platinum?

  • doctorburger

    “And the LORD said: Let My People Troll”

  • Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Date: Tue, Aug 7, 2012 at 10:45 AM
    Subject: Re: Text message alerts


    I’m concerned that text messages, as knowledge which did not come through God-ordained channels of speech and sight can be construed as “divination”, and hence witchcraft.

    Proverbs 27:15-16
    A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whosoever would hide her would hide the wind, and the ointment of his right hand which betrayeth itself.

  • Randomfactor

    It can’t be a real Christian system…it’s tailored for the Catholic Church, which we all know is Antichrist.

    Why else would the page title promote “mass” text alerts?

    • Nick Johnson

      I see what you did there!

  • anteprepro

    They need the text alerts so desperately! How else will they pressure people to come to church more often!? I mean, it isn’t like they have an entire culture that tricks people into thinking that attending church and tithing are among the most important things they can do. It isn’t like the entire culture pretends that a weekly, hour-long lecture about a book that everyone attending the lecture should have already read (since they pretend that the book is so important and that they love it so much) is something profound, unique, and enlightening, and can contribute new insights, no matter how many decades worth of sermons you’ve already sat through.

    So, yeah, the church needs text messages soooo bad! Because without being able to deliver emotional blackmail and lies right to people’s doorsteps, the church can’t guarantee that people will continue to give a fuck! And we can’t have that collection plate come back not-full, now can we? Pastor’s gotta get one-tenth of your salary for one hour of talking. Anything less is just Unchristian!

    • dailydouq

      The text messages are to alert the mobs to go buy greasy chicken to fight off the denial of free speech by the deviants. Or to go to the polls to vote against the other. Or to send the mob to interrupt funerals. High tech activism against anyone who doesn’t accept their myths.

  • scrutationaryarchivist

    Check out that church’s statement of faith:

    I’ve never seen so many footnotes for a statement like that. At least they’re specific.

  • Marcus Ranum

    Message from Jezus
    “Do as thou will’t shall be the whole of the law!”

    Message from Jesus
    “I did not say that!”

    Message from Jezus
    “No, I am the real Jezus, ignore that clown!”

    Message from Jesus
    “You are sorely trying my patience!”

    Message from F Neitzsche
    “God is dead”

    Message from Jezus
    “No I’m not! I got better!”

    Message from Jesus
    “OK I am getting out the banhammer”

  • Roger

    Why do they need a text message service in the first place? Why doesn’t the LORD deliver the information by divine revelation?

    • John Horstman

      He’s lazy. He spent all of Sunday doing nothing but resting. I use Sunday to do laundry and yard work.

  • Joolz

    I have no idea what is wrong with young people these days. Back in my day a burning bush was good enough. Or, at a push some stone tablets. Kids these days – no time to set fire to stuff, or carve messages into stuff!

  • christophburschka

    that it’s, to steal a colloquialism from their generation, all about that shiz

    My favorite part.

  • GibberishWord1

    Pulp Fiction reference seals the deal.

  • Tony •King of the Hellmouth•

    Or, at a push some stone tablets.

    I’ll see your stone tablets and raise you one golden tablet, an angel, and your own planet (awarded to your post death).
    If that’s not enough to convince anyone of the power of the lord, nothing is.

  • John Horstman

    Or you could just grab one of the many open-source text-messaging web apps out there and put it on your page. Then again, those open-source developers might be heathens; they might even be GAY. Better off sticking with a Jesus-approved system.