Spongebob Squarepants is a fabulous threat to your kids.

I always suspected.  Deep down, I always knew.

Morality police in the Ukraine are trying to get Nickelodeon cartoon SpongeBob Squarepants banned because of its perceived ‘promotion of homosexuality’.

The Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality released the report, calling the children’s cartoon a ‘real threat to children’.

I knew that homosexuality wasn’t a choice (unless you count the choice to watch Spongebob Squarepants).  You can try to resist, but once you start sharing adventures in a pineapple under the sea, kiss your morality goodbye.

That also explains a lot about Dr. Dave…

This picture was totally not taken by his girlfriend.

There’s a lot of gay in that tub.

Also, morality police?  I smell the putrid stench of Christians confusing victimless acts that produce happiness with immorality that cannot be allowed.  If god wanted them to be happy, he wouldn’t have made Christians.

How much must it suck to live in fear of so many harmless things?  Good luck selling me on a religion that forces me to live in fear that Spongebob could land my kids in an eternity of burning.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000650798941 jamesmaehling

    And here I thought Barney was Satan’s spawn….

  • http://peopleofpublictransport.wordpress.com Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    You can tell a lot about a group by their sworn enemies.

    What does selecting Spongebob Squarepants as a mortal enemy tell us about the Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality?

  • smrnda

    There were some accusations of SpongeBob and Patrick being gay from someone in the US a while back. I had to respond that sponges are asexual organisms, and therefore, SpongeBob cannot be gay.

    All said, the morality police could have not chosen a better nemesis than SpongeBob. I’m betting that SpongeBob will be around long after the police have called it quits and folded though.

  • http://aceofsevens.wordpress.com Ace of Sevens


    Also, there are subliminal messages encouraging drug use.

  • Anonymous Atheist

    The best/worst part is that their ‘evidence’ of Spongebob’s ‘gayness’ is that he holds hands with his best friend Patrick the starfish.

    So holding hands is now off-limits for humans too, presumably. “Christians confusing victimless acts that produce happiness with immorality that cannot be allowed” doesn’t stop at sex acts!

    • kagekiri

      Ah, but all sins offend God, say the nutjob Christians.

      So what they’re really doing is trying to shove God as a victim into every freaking crack to make you feel horrible about everything.

      “You masturbate? Baby Jesus weeps!”
      “You have wet dreams? You’re not praying to have angels protect your unconscious dreams!”
      “You have night paralysis? That’s demons!” (Seriously, I was casting out demons in Jesus name the only time I experienced it)
      “You’re angry? That’s murder to God!”
      “You’re attracted to someone? Stop, or it’s adultery!”
      “You’re happy the way you are? Pride is the worst sin against God!”
      “You’re depressed? God says to be joyful in suffering!”
      “You want something someone else has? Coveting!”
      “You disagree with your parents? You’re not honoring them!”
      “You’re worried? God says he’ll provide and not to worry!”
      “You’re doubting? God says to believe without evidence is best!”

      Basically, every bad thing you do or feel is nailing Jesus to the cross again, because they’re all sins or counter-indicated in the Bible.

      I’m still working on not actively shutting down thoughts and feelings as part of my therapy, because man was that shit drilled into me when I was Christian. And my parents and sister still wonder how Christianity could POSSIBLY have contributed to my depression and self-hatred.

      I hate Christian anti-humanism.

      • pipenta

        Next time I start a punk band, I’m going to call it Nail Gun for Jesus.

    • David Hart

      “The best/worst part is that their ‘evidence’ of Spongebob’s ‘gayness’ is that he holds hands with his best friend Patrick the starfish.”

      In fairness, there was a lot of implicit homoeroticism in the Spongebob movie; I haven’t seen enough of the TV series to say whether they tone it down by comparison.

      Not that it isn’t still a daft thing to get worked up about – few children would even notice.

  • b00ger

    SpongeBob? It’s a good thing they haven’t got ahold of some Ren and Stimpy.

  • baal

    It’s extremely common in Muslim countries for men to hold hands. It’s a sign of friendship and often a matter of local / personal politics as well.

    JT, you still have it. This is totally meme-able:
    “I smell the putrid stench of Christians confusing victimless acts that produce happiness with immorality that cannot be allowed. If god wanted them to be happy, he wouldn’t have made Christians.”

  • Tony •King of the Hellmouth•

    Are they afraid some child is going to watch Spongebob Squarepants and have a rainbow filled epiphany and magically start performing in drag?
    Are they scared some child is going to ask his parents at the dinner table what their opinions on being a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom’ are (because y’know, enjoying Spongebob also gets you into the secret gay club-complete with the super secret gay handshake-that all the cool kids want to be in b/c of the perks)?
    I mean, the worst they have to worry about is a child that starts saying everything is fabulous.

  • pipenta

    First they came for the Teletubbies, Now they’re coming for SpongeBob!

    I want that playset. I especially love the pineapple house. Is it heavy enough to stay submerged in the tub, or does it bob to the surface?

    • doctorburger

      The ones on the side of the tub are designed to go in an aquarium, they’re quite solid and heavy!

  • Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach

    Seriously? Do they even watch the show? Clearly Spongebob has feelings for Sandy, you know the female squirrel. They could get away with a rant about cross-species relationships here, but the sponge is definitely not gay.

    • anteprepro

      I was just thinking this.

      The only thing that probably gives the impression that Spongebob is gay is:
      -His high-pitched voice (cartoon standard)
      -His eyelashes (to humanize an f-ing sponge)
      -His cheerful attitude (maybe they are taking “gay” too literally?)
      -His strong connection to Patrick (because having a best friend is something foreign to Christians, I assume)

      This accusation is like a Rorshach Test. You know that you have a real special brand of homophobe if they come to this conclusion on their own.

  • ‘Tis Himself

    No no no, not Spongebob! Next thing you’ll tell me is that Miss Piggy doesn’t actually love Kermit.

  • nf

    The only danger spongebob poses is fried brain cells.