Purity is for drinking water.

DrB-

 

Even positive sex education will say that abstinence is some kind of virtue. As if “purity” was for people. As if sex had anything to do with a person’s value.

Pop stars from Britney Spears to Jessica Simpson, to the Jonas Brothers, to Miley Cyrus, to Justin Bieber routinely assert that they’re waiting ’til marriage – putting them into the Good Role Model category

A key indicator of believing in absurdities.

Why does that put them in the “good” category? Why is this? Why promote this idea? Is waiting until you’re married to have sex actually a good idea?

Our state and federal tax dollars have long been spent promoting “chastity”. …..conservative commentators are happy to assert that waiting until marriage is the best choice for everyone and people who don’t wait aren’t doing marriage “the right way”

 

The Guardian, has a much better take on this: having sex before marriage is the best choice for nearly everyone.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/sep/24/moral-case-for-sex-before-marriage

People have sex. It’s a thing. “Waiting for marriage” is a false and poorly thought out “ideal,” as nobody is actually doing it:

95% of Americans don’t wait until their wedding night.

If Sonic was sex positive, maybe he wouldn’t be so…fast.

Other than the obvious, sex has benefits:

In terms of happiness, sex is better than money, and having sex once a week instead of once a month is the “happiness equivalent” of an extra $50,000 a year. People with active sex lives live longer. Sex releases stress, boosts immunities, helps you sleep and is heart-healthy.

There’s risks, but it’s not that sex itself is risky. It’s ignorance due to cultural sex negativity that causes problems. When society has sex -negative attitudes dictated from the religion virus, sex becomes something dirty and shameful.  It goes from something healthy and fun, to something teenagers are woefully unprepared for.

Besides, would you buy a car without driving it? A home without taking a tour?

the old adage tells women that men won’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for free, if I’m buying a cow, you can bet I’m going to make sure the milk is to my liking.

Honesty about what you want will avoid a lifetime of headaches.

The expectation to “wait until marriage” is absurd, and it turns out, it can be harmful:

waiting until marriage often means both early marriage and conservative views on marriage and gender – and people who marry early and/or hold traditional views on marriage and gender tend to have higher divorce rates and unhappier marriages.

When and how to have sex is something that should be left up to the consenting parties involved. The message of “purity” and “saving yourself” should go the way of the dowsing rod, a relic of the past we never needed in the first place.

Whenever you choose to have sex, the cultural message that waiting until marriage is the best choice is simply wrong. And it’s wrong for almost everyone.

 

You’re simply better off….getting off.


 

You can find me on twitter, @DrDavidBurger

I recruit in Kansas City, http://www.kcatheists.org/
& https://www.facebook.com/KCAtheists

  • vanbrig

    I firmly agree that encouraging mass populations of people to wait until marriage is never a good idea. That being said, I definitely support DrB’s comment “When and how to have sex is something that should be left up to the consenting parties involved.” We should never condemn anyone for making that decision just for themselves; if that’s what the person wants to do then they should by all means do it, as long as they’re not trying to make others follow the same practices. As someone that works with students, sometimes I get a little concerned that, while religious populations put too much emphasis on purity, others may put a great deal of emphasis on having sex. People choose to remain virgins for various reasons. Some do so not because they are waiting until marriage or believe it’s some religious duty or something else ridiculous like that, but simply because they would like their first time to be with someone they care deeply about in a committed relationship, and they haven’t found that yet. At times I feel that too much emphasis on sex can making people feel like being a virgin is a bad thing, thus causing them to lose their virginity before they are personally ready to do so. Instead of pushing abstinence on everyone or pushing the greatness of sex, I prefer recommending that everyone do whatever they feel is best for themselves, regardless of what any external voices say (just as long as they’re being safe, naturally). Just my general thoughts and ramblings, haha.

    • Andrew Kohler

      Even though I’m stumbling upon this several months post facto, I just want to lend my endorsement to everything you’ve said. Pressure to be having sex is no better than pressure not to. Decisions about sexual activity are very personal, people have different needs, and there’s nothing that is guaranteed to work for everyone other than 1) resisting pressure one way or the other just because you feel you’re “supposed” to do/not do something and 2) being safe. Of course, all that purity nonsense works against both of these things, as it is almost always coupled with enforced ignorance about human sexuality, and very often coupled with homophobia and patriarchy.

      On a related note: personally, I’d like to see the word “virgin” fall out of use, as it’s either used to foster this “purity” stuff or to stigmatize people who’ve not become sexually active for whatever reason. Also the phrase “lose his/her/whatever virginity” really needs to go, as it suggests that virginity is some precious object. Even more absurd is the notion that it’s something to give to someone (what do you do when someone gives you his or her virginity, keep it on a shelf? and why do we mostly hear about women giving it to men, not vice versa and not in the context of gay or lesbian relationships?) All it means is that you’ve not done something yet, and I think defining oneself by what one has or hasn’t done at any given point in life is potentially rather silly. It’s almost as silly as the notion that what young people learn in sex ed is going to affect their decision about becoming sexually active, one way or the other (btw, if anything is to serve as a deterrent, it’s not “abstinence pledge” crap but information about STDs as found in comprehensive sex education–I’m still traumatized over a decade later).

  • RuQu

    Link to the actual study that makes the happiness equivalent claim, instead of the WebMD article talking about it.

    http://www.nber.org/papers/w10499

  • anon

    Grow up. Sex is only for adults ready to deal with the responsibility that goes with the action that is supposed to be for reproduction. All the ignorant whores who do it whenever they feel like it for the little tingle feeling in their brain or to feed their ego are doing nothing but being a selfish immature irresponsible assholes who fuck up society. Just thoughts and rambling hahaha… no. Harsh truth.

    • Anonymous

      Or not. I pity you.

      • Azkyroth

        I don’t. Partners and offspring are another matter, though likely (and hopefully) hypothetical.

    • NakedAnthropologist

      Well at least the final sentence of that keyboard diarrhea had merit. I give you five out of ten trolls. Since no one else would do it, you should probably go fuck yourself now. Thank you for playing and have anice day.

    • MrK

      I think we got an involuntary celibate here.

  • tressafree

    I was voluntarily celibate before I got married the first time and also between my two marriages – this was a gap of almost 15 years. I think that celibacy outside of marriage is a good thing. Too many relationships are based on sex instead of on getting to know someone as a friend, taking the time to really come to understand someone including their views on raising children, family issues, budgeting, and other things that will come up in every marriage. The “buying a house” or “purchasing a car” analogy shows that the mindset of those kind of people is the following: when the sex is no longer good, they trade in their partners for a new, more exciting model. That’s not the way marriage should be. It should be a commitment between two people that transcends sex. If something happens where one or both partners can no longer participate in physical intimacy, the relationship should be secure enough in other areas that it will not fall apart. If it is based on how good sex is, then the loss of that intimacy will doom the relationship. Claiming we are animals and we have to have sex is wrong. We are higher-thinking beings, capable of reason and choice. Pretending that we can have sex without becoming emotionally attached is also a fallacy. Look around at all the stalkers and the people who kill themselves and their ex-significant others – that should tell you how accurate the “sex doesn’t have to be about emotional attachment” thing is. Too many people have come to the same conclusion about physical intimacy that they have about homes, cars, and money in this day and age — if you want it, why wait? Well, look at the number of foreclosures, repossessed cars and other vehicles/boats, and the increased number of people in financial crisis, and you will see that this attitude in parts of life other than sex isn’t any more effective there, either. We need to slow down and stop being in such a hurry to do everything now. Sex will wait. If the love is there, the sex will be good. It is an expression of closeness, intimacy, and a deep feeling for someone else, not just an animal drive. The rationalization that it isn’t healthy is just that….a rationalization, an excuse, a way to try and justify not waiting for something because we, as a society, have become people who want everything now. We’ve become impatient and greedy, and we are paying for that attitude all across our country and society.
    It shouldn’t be about sex and that instant jolt that comes from seeing someone that gets your juices going. It should be about love and commitment and mutual respect. Like it or not, that’s the way it is, and because we’ve lost sight of that, we’re in a mess all across the spectrum. It’s sad, and it’s sad that people are going to be rude and sarcastic about this comment because they’ll be in a rush to justify their viewpoint and prove me wrong. The trouble is, I’m not wrong. I’m right.

    • Debbie

      @tressafree- I’m glad your voluntary celibacy outside of marriage worked for you. I’d like to believe you when you say it was voluntary (in other words, not a product of religious- family- or community-based pressure to adhere to externally imposed standards), and if it was, then more power to you!

      The problem comes in when either individuals or groups attempt to dictate “how it should be” for everyone. For some people, sex is always associated with serious, committed relationships because that is what works for *them*. Others view casual sex–with friends or even strangers–as desirable and fulfilling. Who are you to tell them they’re wrong? You can only decide what is wrong for yourself. Similarly, if a couple wants to get married and stay married for 50 years… or if they want to stay together only a few years, then get divorced and marry other people, what business is that of anyone else’s?

      Whenever someone says the word “morality,” most people automatically think of sex. Why is that? Morality isn’t about whom (or when, or how, or under what circumstances) you fuck. It’s about the way you live your entire life. Are you honest? Do you treat others respectfully? Do you help the less fortunate whenever you can? *That’s* morality.

    • Armored Scrum Object

      “Too many people have come to the same conclusion about physical intimacy that they have about homes, cars, and money in this day and age — if you want it, why wait? Well, look at the number of foreclosures, repossessed cars and other vehicles/boats, and the increased number of people in financial crisis, and you will see that this attitude in parts of life other than sex isn’t any more effective there, either.”
      Well, that’s a pretty bizarre swerve. I don’t think anybody was saying that the ideal way to go about sex was to rack up a huge credit card balance with expensive call girls, so what sort of debt or damage is supposed to be accumulating here? Is this just a thinly-veiled version of the “sex means you give away part of your soul” nonsense?


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