Test of fire? Test of my gag reflex.

Mike Huckabee narrates a video that made me gag (and considering some of the porn Christina has shown me, a video that makes me gag has reached a very high bar of raunchiness).

Oh holy hell.  Literally.

This November, Christians across the nation will be put to the test.

And an arduous test it will be.  First, they’ll have to actually find their polling station (which is probably at a church).  Then, they’ll have to wait in line.  Tattered and worn from waiting in line, they’ll then have to touch a screen multiple times.  The slings and arrows Christians will suffer for the cause…

But the greatest challenge will come when they vote against their economical interests in an effort to make sure their marriage is more special than the gays’.

“Unless the lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Then the United States is fucked.  God did not construct a single building in America’s history; people did.  We built that.  While god created the sicknesses of the world, he did not hand us the medicine.  Medical advances were the product of human minds.  God sends the unannounced hurricanes that smash our buildings, and which kill life-long Christians and their still-sleeping children.  In response to god, we conceived of satellite radar and evacuation plans.  God has no intention of rebuilding any of the people or buildings he destroyed.  He has no plans to bury the dead, or to rescue the lucky ones who still live.  Once again, that will be all humans, many of them non-believers.

Piss on any person saying such work is in vain.  So piss on Mike Huckabee and the bible.

The right to life from conception to natural death.

So be sure you vote for Romney, the guy who wants to increase military funding by two trillion dollars, above and beyond what the Pentagon has asked for, and who wants to go to war with Iran.  But don’t worry – the natural death of Iranians (and the occupants of whatever other countries with which we would go to war under a Romney presidency) will be natural in that people naturally die when they are shot or pierced with shrapnel.

The GOP platform also supports natural death by lethal injection.

But if it’s an unthinking clump of cells without a life, thoughts, friends, or even the ability to suffer its own loss?  Protect it at all cost.  How else could it one day die in the myriad of the wars these Christians support, like Bush’s or Romney’s?

Marriage should be reinforced, not be defined.

Oh give me a break.  Redefining marriage is what Christianity has done throughout the ages.

“Although [polygamy] was lawful among the ancient fathers: whether it be lawful now also, I would not hastily pronounce.” ~ St. Augustine, The Good of Marriage

Indeed, even Martin Luther, the catalyst for the Protestant Reformation (though 53% of Protestants are unaware of that fact), wrote “I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not contradict Scripture.”  In 1650, the parliament of Nürnberg decreed that men could take up to ten wives for a brief period, and the Catholic Church adopted it. The Roman Catholic Church that put an official end to the practice of polygamy in the 12th century.  The church redefined marriage.

Or what about endogamy (marrying only within a particular social group; the opposite of exogamy, which is marrying outside your particular social group)?  Until 1967, Christian groups opposed exogamy in the form of marrying somebody of a different race (thus supporting endogamy).  Names for these types of laws were often similar to Virginia’s oxymoronic “Racial Integrity Act,” and they were justified as defending the definition of marriage.  If a black person loved a white person?  Well, they can have their relationship, but why should we redefine marriage when it’s always been between two people of the same ethnicity?

The believers who made up the majority of the support for legislation like the Racial Integrity Act were quick to cite biblical passages in defense of their discriminatory definition of marriage, the most frequent of which was Phinehas and the curse of Ham. It should be noted that these laws would have prevented the marriage of Barrack Obama’s parents.  Eventually, kicking and screaming, the church redefined marriage.

Or what about arranged marriages?  These have been prevalent throughout history thanks, in large part, to the Hebrew edicts that marriage preserve property rights, as well as the tradition of marriage to tackle primarily financial issues.  Often these marriages were conducted by proxy, in which somebody stood in for the groom.  It is this tradition of marriage as a financial matter that gave us the idea of a dowry.  Eventually, the church redefined marriage.

The list of sundry changes to the idea of marriage could quite literally go on forever.  The fact that the church has a habit of changing the definition of marriage whenever it suited them or when it had to change in order to avoid looking like a cabal of eagerly discriminatory asshats (even though that was precisely what it was and, in the hands of the people making this video, what the church still is) only shows their hypocrisy when they say that the definition of marriage shouldn’t be changed now.  Even if they had never once changed that definition, it should still be changed.  When you care less about discriminating that you do about keeping an outdated definition, you have seriously mismanaged your moral priorities.  Also you’re a shitty person.

And what’s more, who says it’s the Christian’s word to define?  Lots of different cultures and lots of different religions have completely different ideas of marriage, and those religions and cultures exist in this country, which cannot prefer one religion over another.  Why is it the Christian definition that should get enshrined in our laws?

And who says Christians have to redefine marriage in the church?  It’s not like the government will ever force a church to perform a wedding ceremony it doesn’t wish to perform.  Churches can be as bigoted as they want (that they pursue that right should tell you something about their faith).  Why should the Christian traditions be imposed on everybody else via the government?

The video says that some issues require hard work.  I’m sure going through the elementary process of basic thinking about issues like gay marriage is hard work when you’re not used to it.  Jesus Fictional Christ.

It is an egregious violation of our cherished principle of religious liberty for the government to force the church to buy the kind of insurance that leads to the taking of innocent human life.

It’s a clump of cells, not a human life.  And your religious beliefs don’t trump the religious beliefs of the people you employ, who may not have a religious hangup with not having babies.  Leave it to the followers of the guy who presumably healed the sick to want an exemption from providing healthcare because of their faith.

This is Mike Huckabee, and I invite you to join me on November 6th to vote on values that will stand the test of fire.

Oh, I love the fire motif of “Your vote will be recorded in eternity”, “Will you vote the values that will stand the test of fire?”  It’s a none-too-subtle continuation of the church’s message throughout history: do what we say or burn.  To any Christians reading this blog, how can you live like that?  How can you have that threat forever over your head, how can you fear hell, and still think that god loves you?  If god wanted to save you from it, he would without condition.  The salvation of god is like someone approaching a person hanging over the edge of a cliff, about to fall to their death, and saying “I’ll help you up if you vote for Mitt Romney and hate gay people.”

A good person just saves others because they care.

To you Christians, rejoice!  There is no hell.  There is only this one life and the heavens or hells we create for each other.  Your moral guide should be your compassion, not the fear of a god who cannot be bothered to deliver his threats in person.  You don’t fear god, you fear other human beings who have convinced you they speak for him.  If god exists, he could (and should) do better.

The last piece of text is “valuevotersusa.com.”  I hate to disappoint them, but all voters have values.  For the atheist we value reason, equality, and use the metric of how much happiness is created and how much suffering is averted when making our moral choices.  Discrimination, extortion (the implied threats of hell in the video), faith (which is indistinguishable from gullibility, and which absolves voters of actually learning about the issues upon which their voting), and dishonesty (you don’t believe people have a right to a natural death) are values, they’re just the values of wicked people.

We’re all value voters.  Our values are just better than the values advanced by Christian propaganda like this.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • http://gravityswings.wordpress.com Avery Thompson

    At least they finally put a woman in one of their ads. It almost makes it seem like Republicans care about them.

    • John Horstman

      They totes care about women, they just don’t care for women.

      • pjmaertz

        And they only seem to care about punishing women for having sex, whether the woman wanted to or not.

    • Diane

      Republicans care for women so long as women accept their role as breeding stock.

  • RuQu

    I’d condition “for the atheist” as “for many atheists.”

    Ayn Rand was an atheist, and her values were terrible. For that matter, there are plenty of atheists who are sexist, racist, *ist assholes. No group of sufficiently large size is immune from having members with bad, or no, values.

    Likewise, Christians don’t have bad values by virtue of having faith, their faith just gives a backdoor for their reason to be manipulated by people who have bad values.

    • Ibis3

      Some do have bad values because of their faith. Case in point: Libby Anne tells us she was a forced birther and supported oppressing women because of her faith in the religion of her parents. I’d go so far as to say that all religious people have some bad values because of their faith. I agree that there are indeed plenty of atheists who have bad values despite not having faith in religion also.

  • smrnda

    On the whole ‘redefining marriage’ thing, my take is that marriage, throughout much of history, was a terrible institution, and it’s a good thing we’ve redefined it. Wives are no longer property that a man of adequate means can start a collection of; people are allowed to marry who they want, they aren’t forced into marriages as bargaining chips or merchandise by their parents. I mean, in a way children were seen as property for a while, and not as individual people with their own rights. Heck yeah we redefine institutions, but why not? Those institutions *sucked* and needed redefinition.

    And values – what values do these religious nuts stand for aside from sexual repression, xenophobia, rejecting science and accepting plutocracy as god’s accepted order?

    • Anonymous

      I agree with you 100%

  • http://againstjebelallawz.wordpress.com Enopoletus Harding

    Indeed, even Martin Luther, the catalyst for the Protestant Reformation

    -There was no single catalyst for the Reformation. See http://zwingliusredivivus.wordpress.com/2012/10/28/on-reformation-day-again-on-this-reformation-sunday/

  • Baal

    Despite spending some $$ on that video, they still had plain text with odd use of bolding. I guess it’s not WITH the LORd unless the wacky idiom is applied.

  • Stogoe

    “Jesus Fictional Christ.”

    That’s going to be my new exclamation, replacing the far more coarse “Jesus [expletive] Christ [performing an anatomically improbable act]“.

    • Whammy!

      I came here to say this.



    • Ibis3

      Yeah, well, may Thor’s hammer knock some sense into you. Any time you’re ready.

    • Diane

      Which god do you mean, Lynne Henry?

    • http://boldquestions.wordpress.com Ubi Dubium

      Then the name of the god would be “American Standard FloWise”. (I don’t think I’ve heard of that god before, but I’m sure it has something to do with the Republicans.) Why would you hope something like that?

  • Vick

    God is good, God is love, God is great, God is kind, God is strong, God is creative, God is mercy, God is smart, God is justice, God is cool, God is victory, God is everything, God is honest, and God will always be God. For those of you that like to insult Him and think He is nothing at all, God is perfect in all ways and there is no one like Him. God is the best and yet He is humble, which just makes Him more beautiful. The devil does not hold a candle to Him. But the devil was clever enough to fool a bunch of people throughout time with his misguided compassion and worldly bologna. In the world, there is good and evil. And the truth will set you free!!!! God really loves everyone. God bless everyone.:)

    • Ibis3

      Sigh. Who fed you this bullshit?

    • Diane

      Vick, all you have done in your note is prove that you have not even remotely READ your bible. YOur god? The god in your bible, is NONE of these things you so blithely and ignorantly list.

    • baal

      Vick, you know who else taught about compassion? Jesus.
      Also, these ‘god’ rants usually look like you’re either 1)trolling or 2) need some attention / help. If you’d like a hand, many atheists are willing to ease your transition off the god delusion. You might consider reading Daniel Finke on this blog. He’s really good at philosophical arguments.

    • Janie Scott

      So, what you’re saying is that the devil doesn’t hold a candle to god, but he’s more clever? That is something I don’t get. I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe that I can know if god exists, although I don’t think he does. Though I doubt this was your intention, reading what you wrote makes my disbelief stronger.

  • homerj07

    Please do not be as one sided & asinine as Huckabee is & group ALL Christians into the same category.

    Yes I have faith & I believe.

    NO I DO NOT agree with much of the stupidity that comes from people who are supposedly “good” Christians. It is obvious that many of the so called “good” Christians have no idea of what Christianity really is & what it is about.

    Oh BTW – I am much more of a deist than anything. Which would fit in with our founding fsthers ideas very well.

    BTW2 – Huckabee is simply a festering boil on the buttocks of humanity!!

  • Diane

    This is sickening. The arrogance demonstrated here is beyond belief. No it is not the duty of Christians to shove their twisted idea of morality down other people’s throats and deprive other people of their rights because some 3000 year old piece of literary garbage tells them so.

  • http://coreysviews.wordpress.com/category/news-politics-opinions/ Corey Mondello

    “The GOP platform also supports natural death by lethal injection.” Not in Massachusetts, it is actually one of three question that we will be able to vote on in this state. Conservative Christians are against this in a big way.