If at first you don’t secede…

Let the Republican civil war begin!  After a long campaign season of bleating that the conservative values are those of most Americans, the conservatives got trounced at the polls by…well, most Americans.  Now they want out!

As Mark Turner over at Friendly Atheist reports:

If the signatories of a petition over at the White House website get their way, the Lone Star State will be going it alone. They’re not the only ones, though; the website has been inundated with people starting petitions for their state to secede. Each petition has the magic target of obtaining 25,000 signatures within its first 30 days — at that point, someone from the White House is supposed to give an official response. Texas has already gone way past that, amassing a whopping 68,000 signatures.

Delicious.  Add Arkansas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and all the usual suspects to that list.  Essentially in all the nations that fought for slavery, a lot of their old values people want to secede again.  Who would have guessed so many people never grew out of the “bang your head against the wall whenever you don’t get your way” stage of dealing with things?

I’m not sure how they’ll all manage, since red states rely more on federal welfare programs.  I’m sure they’ll get around to pulling themselves up by their bootstraps in order to get away from that wicked, welfare-dispensing President and the 47%.

Keith Lowell Jensen had the best tweet about this:



Like I said right after the election…

They have two choices: the first is to move toward the middle and give themselves a chance in the next election.  They could change with society, rather than being dragged along behind it kicking and screaming.

But they won’t do that, at least not immediately.  For many of them, warming up to marriage equality or the fact that marijuana is enjoyable would be tantamount to changing their mind about what their supposedly unchanging god wants, and they can’t have that.  They seem poised to go to their political graves white knuckling the will of an invisible god.  Already there’s talk that Mitt Romney just wasn’t conservative enough.  The Republican party can either return to its roots here or submit to the will of the Tea Party, but the balancing act isn’t working – and it especially won’t work if Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Sarah Palin (remember, Mitt was the best candidate among that group) decide to split the Republican vote by running independent.

It’s clear that the option of going the moderate route is being taken off the table.  Popcorn for my tummy, schadenfreude for my mood.

  • http://IAmDanMarshall.com Dan

    Yep, I love that the “if you don’t love ‘MURKA then GET OUT” assholes are such fickle little twits.

    Guess it’s only the “greatest country in the world” when their guy is in charge, eh?

  • Loqi

    Abolish slavery? SECESSION!
    Black president? SECESSION!

    Anyone else notice a pattern?

  • sqlrob

    I was thinking of adding another petition – for Austin to secede from Texas.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd JT Eberhard

      You win. :)

    • Amyc

      Can we add the DFW area to that please??

      • jcfields

        ^^^^ This! Ditto!!!

  • iknklast

    “all the nations that fought for slavery”

    Technically, Oklahoma did not fight for slavery. They weren’t a state at the time, and the area that is now the state of Oklahoma was Indian Territory. Though the tribes were involved at times in the war, they all had their own positions. Some of them fought with the North, some with the South.

    Oklahoma picked up that banner later. Isn’t that special?

  • Azkyroth

    I saw a bumper sticker a couple days ago that reads “The government we have now is what the Founding Fathers were trying to prevent.”

    Well, with the whole “3/5 compromise” thing, that’s kinda true…

    • Silent Service

      BINGO!!!!! We have a winner!

  • William R. Dickson

    Not all secessionist movements are right-wing nutjobbery. There’s a (slowly, quietly) growing bioregional movement in northern CA, Oregon, Washington, and British Columbia that’s showing some interest in breaking off into a Cascadian nation that would be decidedly more left-wing than the US as a whole. Not that I ever expect anything to come of it, but I find myself somewhat sympathetic.

  • RuQu

    It’s up to 35 states listed, including CA, OR, and NY. All it takes is one idiot to post it and a few other people to get it searchable. Considering that most of them used the exact same wording, I’m guessing it was an organized, if idiotic, effort.

    What’s funny is the complete lack of forethought. There is no New Confederacy. No agreement on trade or travel between them or common taxation and defense. Each of them would be alone.

    In each case, and even if some or all joined together, they still have a massive need to duplicate federal efforts. They will need to build up a military. Border Patrol, Coast Guard, drug enforcement, immigration, embassies and state departments. They will need a weather service, disaster relief and farm aid. Food, drug, and environmental regulation. Someone has to survey their waters, ports, and do obstruction surveys of airport approaches. Customs inspections. These are all agencies/duties for which most states lack analogues or the Feds handle most of the duties and costs.

    These fools have no idea what they are even beginning to talk about doing.

  • Rory

    Let’s let the secede, and then invade them and deport the dumbasses.

    • Rory

      *let’s let THEM secede

  • Ron Holland

    Secession petitions are good PR but bad politics. There is a way for states to legally and politically secede from the American union but it must be a state-by-state process established by constitutional secession conventions in each state. Read: http://thedailybell.com/28286/Ron-Holland-Secession-Petitions-Good-PR-But-Bad-Politics

    • RuQu

      Sorry, but that guy isn’t even close to in touch with reality. There is no basis for this statement: “Second, the legal way for states to withdraw is individually, state-by-state after conducting a state secession convention very much like a state constitutional convention on 10th Amendment issues.”

      The Civil War made it quite clear what the position of the USA on secession is. Hint: Think Hotel California.

      Phrases like “The right of democratic state-by-state secession did not die at the point of a bayonet at Appomattox Court House in 1865 after Lincoln’s invasion killed 600,000 Americans. ” make the viewpoint and bias of the author remarkably clear.

      He then proceeds to repeat truths from inside the conservative bubble, like his dream of a low-tax economic utopia with no oppressive regulation. History has shown that the “low-tax” economic stimulus is a myth. Regulations exist for a reason and climate change is real.

      He lives in his own fantasy world where the “War of Northern Aggression” had no lasting consequences and state’s rights vs federalism is still a raging debate that the states have any hope to win. His opinion on how to legally secede has about as much bearing on reality as my new guide on unicorn taming.

  • CoboWowbo

    They don’t want to secede, they want to “SECDEE”

  • Anonymous

    So, Texas, you think you can secede because you have the 15th largest economy in the world. That would put you right behind MEXICO. There’s irony in this somewhere. Anyway, the 15th largest economy, really? Only because the federal government subsidizes your airports, roads and rails. You want to leave, don’t let the door hit you on the back. We’ll just take back our jets, tanks and warships and you can deal with your border on your own. Actually, go ahead. I just realized that Texas securing the border is a plus for the rest of us. All those miles of border fence taken care of, guarded and patrolled, and Texas has to pay for it. By itself. Without federal dollars. Sweet. Oh, and NASA in Houston, that’s gone too. Sorry, you see, it’s the “National Air and Space Administration,” not the “Texas Air and,” well you get the point. Plus the weather satellites that give you a clue where the hurricanes are going to hit your coast, you’ll have to put up your own. You know, NOAA being the “National… .” And no getting declared a “federal disaster area,” it will just be a “Holy crap, we have to pay for all of this ourselves, disaster area.” Enjoy. I hear you think praying is an option to avert natural disasters. Start. Now. Oh, and communication satellites – start building those. Plus the rockets to put them into space. I think you, Texas, should be seeing a pattern by now. But by all means, feel free to leave. This time, I’m sure, we’re not going to kick your butt again, just to keep you from throwing a fit and leaving – it’s just not worth the effort. I think I will be moving to Maine or New Hampshire where they actually have 4 seasons. Oh, just so you know, it will be a cold dark day in hell before I ever say the Texas pledge of allegiance. In case you decide to stay.

    • Hypatia’s Daughter

      Now. Now. They don’t actually have to create their own NOAA or send up their own communication satellites. They can BUY those services from the USA. Or do without.

  • http://www.laughinginpurgatory.com/ Andrew Hall

    My favorite quote concerning South Carolina on the eve of secession, “South Carolina is too small to be a republic, and too big to be an asylum.”

  • Jeremy Shaffer

    Talk of secession and “Going Galt” both remind me of a 6 year old deciding to show their mean ol’ parents a thing or two by running away from home.

  • http://www.thelosersleague.com The Schwa

    Let them secede, they will come crawling back. When they do, they only get 1/2 the electoral votes they had previously.

    • Rilian

      If “they” seceded, it would not be at the agreement of every single last person in the state. So you want to punish people who wouldn’t have done anything.

      • John Horstman

        Naw, we’d have free relocation programs for anyone who wanted to stay. Presumably, all of the nut-jobs leaving the remaining United States would free up plenty of space.

  • John Horstman

    I’ve been a fan of a two-state solution for USA for a while now. If the former slave states want to form the Incorporated States of Jesus or whatever, they can be my guest. They’d just better not come whining for international aid or green cards when they realize that serfdom isn’t such a great system, and there’s a reason most of those feudal kingdoms were toppled by populist revolutions (their kids are welcome).