I am gutter sump pump funk.

The email I get from believers is generally pretty spectacularly bad.  I used to blog it.  Now I get so much of it that I just giggle and move on.  But the comments I get from believers I’ve banned are so depressingly obsessed and/or just frighteningly inane, they make the emails I get look like the resuscitation of Oscar Wilde.  Their comments never see the light of day, of course, but they keep submitting them anyway.  They wind up in my inbox where I, and I alone, get to marvel at them.

This one from Icy Cantu, who is banned for god-botting, on my post about Dwight Longenecker’s hard-fought battle with the obvious, is simply too good to not share.

Did you seriously just call the Creator of the Universe and the Merciful God of your life and mine a “d*ck”?  You call the Holy Father a hypocrite while you sit in your lair like a lazy whore sauntering around in your defiled garments just typing away, typing away…Your words are fizz on a spent bottle of cheap soda.  They are nothing.  You feel a bubbling cauldron in your brain that has to get out, get out.  Spread your grandiose ideas to the masses and change the world, huh?  You are rotten wood.  Gutter sump pump funk.  You are the fat rolls of your inner self all balled in a chunk.

I’m supposed to love you, but the sin and gunk stinks so bad I need a breathing apparatus and a scouring pad to wipe off the membrane of filth you deposit in word form in detriment to my health.

Hell’s not so bad, right?  Never been there, punk.  Keep knockin’ on that door and when it opens to overflow…and you call, and call with no answer…and fall, and fall…and wonder at it all, and all – don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Ooooooooooooooooh, he mad.  Incidentally, Gutter Sump Pump Funk is the title of my forthcoming hip hop album.

Well, Icy, I don’t subscribe to your beliefs, so there’s nothing preventing me from calling a spade a spade.  So perhaps you should spend less time insisting that I don’t waltz around calling the inventor of stillbirth a dick and start explaining why that’s not dickish behavior.

  • http://improbablejoe.blogspot.com Improbable Joe

    I was gonna say… “Gutter Sump Pump Funk” sounds like it comes with its own dance.

  • Thunderchild145

    Owned. Nice one JT.

  • IslandBrewer

    Didn’t Fat Boy Slim already do that one?

    Ah, Icy Cantu, I was wondering where his cluelessness was, if he’d found another atheist to troll with scripture.

    Yes, Icy. Your “Creator of the Universe and the Merciful God” is a worthless shitbag, more deserving of scorn and ridicule than worship. I don’t fear him, though, ’cause I got me a chariot of iron (Judges 1:19), and it’s a hybrid, too!

    And after browsing several of Dwight’s posts, I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s obliviousness personified. He may have redeemable qualities, but I can discern none in his writing. I’m wondering if he’s really qualified to drive a car, let alone be any sort of “moral leader” to anyone. I sure as fuck wouldn’t allow Mr. creepy in a gold embroidered housecoat around children without supervision at any rate.

  • http://freethoughtblogs.com/amilliongods Avicenna

    Gutter Sump Pump Funk is clearly Bluegrass…

  • Jacob

    Icy y u mad, tho?

    Seriously, don’t people realize bitching about anything gets them nowhere?

  • nakedanthropologist

    “Gutter sump pump funk” – this should become a dance! I’m thinking a melange of snoopy schaudenfreude, thriller, and can-can. Incidentally, “gutter sump pump funk” sounds like a hipster album or a really complicated sex position.

  • Drakk

    >> Did you seriously just call the Creator of the Universe and the Merciful God of your life and mine a “d*ck”?

    No, but he can suck mine.

  • Rob

    Anybody who thinks that the abrahamic god isn’t a dick hasn’t read the bible from cover to cover.

    • Andrew Kohler

      Actually, all one really needs read is Genesis 22. Genesis 17 alone might do it for the more perspicacious.

  • John Horstman

    Gutter sump pump funk. You are the fat rolls of your inner self all balled in a chunk.

    Some nice internal AND end rhyming here. Also, there’s unusual and vivid imagery throughout. A+ on form, Icy; too bad your content is not intelligible.

    • Andrew Kohler

      It really is poetry, isn’t it? I may have to set this to music (perhaps with lots of vibraphone and bongos to evoke a slam poetry ambiance). And could “filth” and “health” be an example of slant-rhyme, perhaps?

  • neatospiderplant

    Gutter Sump Pump Funk?
    Band name!

  • Taz

    You shouldn’t call god a dick. If you do he’ll torture you in the fiery pits of hell for eternity.
    Because he’s totally not a dick.

  • DaveL

    I’d bet the next time he’ll tell you “You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss (Mr. Grinch)”.

  • gratch

    You know, I’m dating myself here, but I remember a time before the internet when people DIDN’T just say aloud every single thing that crossed their minds the moment it appeared there. You kids probably don’t know what I’m talking about but there was a time, not too long ago, when in the middle of a conversation about the economy or the seperation of church and state someone interjected “I like apples! My foot itches sometimes!” this would have been considered inappropriate and not just the price of having a public conversation.

    • Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

      I wonder what to have for dinner?


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