I’ve spent my morning two inches shy of literally crossing swords with a modem.

So…my parents’ internet has always been slow and they decided, with me down to help, that they wanted to upgrade.  I checked availability and for this address the local company sold speeds as low as 768 Kbps to as fast as 25 Mbps.  I decided that 10 Mbps would keep them up with the median of modern technology.

I put in the call to CenturyLink and learned that mom and dad were actually at the speed of 256 Kbps for which they’d signed up darn near a decade ago.  That’s slow.  The lady on the other end wondered aloud how they accomplished anything on the internet.  So the change was made and ever since then the internet has cut out, at random, every 30 minutes to a few hours (those who watched the Gamers for Godlessness fundraiser got to see it).

Five calls to tech support later, it was decided we needed to replace the modem.  So I drove into town and did that.  I’ve set up new modems before, so I’m no idiot.  This one, however, was possessed by every malicious demon in cyberspace.  I spent the whole morning, including five more calls to tech support (thanks CenturyLink for having decent Classical music when I’m on hold), trying to sort out this little bastard.  By the end of it, I wanted to crawl into the intertubes with a fucking knife and exact my revenge.

For instance, before my first call to tech support today, I had power-cycled the modem seven fucking times.  Seven!!!  When I got through to tech support, the guy did what I expected: he asked me to power-cycle the modem for the eighth time.  That time, the modem let me in to configure it.  Don’t know what was so magic about attempt number eight, but I was left pretty sure that a personal god exists because he spent the morning personally fucking with me.

Just five minutes ago I finally got it working.  I say I got it working, but that might be a little misleading.  While sitting in a chair attempting to subdue my rage, it just miraculously started working.  And I guess, since I can’t explain what happened, it must be god, or Canaanite Jews rising from the dead, or smurfs, or gremlins, or pick your argument from ignorance.

Anyway, I’ll throw a couple quick posts up today, but I am done being around my laptop after that.  If there are no posts tomorrow, then you know I threw the whole setup into the lake.

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About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.