The Legend of Sir Uncle Bobolink, Mightiest of the Trolls.

Some bloggers just ban trolls who hinder the conversation.  Not I.  If somebody trolls my blog, I edit their comments to amuse myself before adding their new IP to the ban list.

There is a group of sock puppet trolls in the Kansas City area who are, to be perfectly frank, deranged.  They are banned.  However, one of them must have been visiting a friend’s house the other day because he took the opportunity to leave several comments in the Tuesday conversation thread under a couple different names, one of which was “Uncle Bobolink”.

Here is how his comment now appears…

In an age long past, under the gloomy canopy of darkened clouds, there existed a hollow pit into which the most depraved cast their filth.  It was from this hollow grave that Jesus assembled he who would be the mightiest of the trolls: Uncle Bobolink.  From the forge of Mount Dumpster was crafted a set of armor from pure newspaper, the finest in the land.

Clad in these legendary vestments, Bobolink journeyed to the orc city of Reasonsbane.  Bobolink’s parents had left him a small amount of education with which to build his fortune.  But here, in the fires of Reasonsbane, Bobolink sacrificed the remnants of his education at the pinnacle of Mount Prayer for a weapon unlike any other: the mythical sword “Faithbrand”.

With Faithbrand secured within his scabbard (though you can’t tell, because it can be neither seen nor felt, but it’s there and it’s <em>powerful</em>), Bobolink set out to do his master’s will.  Within a fortnight, Bobolink stood before the drawbridge to Castle Eberhard, with nary a consideration for the ample armory beyond its gates.  Bobolink had prepared for this, and soon victory would belong to Bobolink and to his god.  Triumph was the only viable outcome with the implements of his god at his command.

This, is Bobolink’s story…

I like my comment policy.

Tweet of the Day: Gays are pretty much like Nazis.
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About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Timid Athiest

    I like your comment policy too. I look forward to reading about The Two Trolls and Return of the Troll.

  • Sir Uncle Bobolink

    “For Reasonsbane!” shouted Bobolink, charging the castle with a vigor accumulated over years of stewing and grumbling to himself while reading atheist blogs. Sadly, in the dark of night, Bobolink failed to notice that the drawbridge was not extended. Bobolink found himself a slave to gravity as he tumbled into the shallow moat below. Thankfully, the moat around Castle Eberhard was warm and the mud was soft. God was clearly looking out for him.

    “Curses!” cried Bobolink. Water was his new armor’s only weakness. Now it clung to his skin like latex shame before dissolving into the abyss. No matter though, thought Bobolink. There would be no need for battle anytime soon.

    Then came the most terrifying sound Bobolink had ever heard. He knew it well, the melodious, tantalizing hum – almost seductive with its song-like harmony. Though Bobolink was certain he could overcome any obstacle with god at his back, he had always run at its advance. But slowed by the murky waters, Bobolink would now be forced to fight. There could be no doubt that Eberhard, being without mercy, had stocked his moat with facts.

    Bobolink slowly reached for his noble weapon, Faithbrand. To his horror, Bobolink found himself grasping only air. Panic shot through him. It must’ve fallen out of the scabbard during the fall! Bobolink fell immediately to his knees, his hands frantically churning the water and the mud, with the sweet, dulcet tones of the facts growing ever closer…

    [Comment edited per blog comment policy on trolls/bans.]

    • Sir Uncle Bobolink, Boldest of the Bold

      With sudden relief, Bobolink remembered some of Faithbrand’s magical qualities: it can be neither seen nor felt! Bobolinks’ trusty blade had been there the entire time! Weapon presumably in-hand, Bobolink prepared for the fight of his life.

      The first fact emerged with a splash just to Bobolink’s left. With an automatic reaction built upon years of practice, Bobolink swung his weightless weapon with all of the force his muscles would allow. The fact stared at Bobolink almost confused, before slowly moving toward him continuing its song about a global flood never happening.

      Bobolink backpedaled furiously. Why, he wondered, would his lord make a weapon that cannot be felt? Bobolink concluded that god was so much wiser than he, and must have had a reason (though that reason did not improve Uncle Bobolink’s present situation). Though Bobolink was sure his faith could move mountains and overcome any situation, Bobolink elected to amble in the opposite direction with all the haste he could manage with his soaking wet armor.

      Immediately, another fact pierced the moat’s surface just in front of Bobolink, this one chanting that morals come from compassion. The fact peered deeply into Bobolink’s eyes with what appeared to be kindness, and whispered, “Do not run. We are trying to help you…”

      “Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” cried the increasingly desperate troll, still flailing the ineffective Faithbrand for the lack of any other ideas. It seemed hopeless, and deep inside Bobolink began to resign himself to his fate.

      “Up here!”

      Bobolink’s head whipped upwards. Standing near the castle walls was a figure in the tightest armor Bobolink had ever seen, but which bore a crest which shone brightly in the full moon that was known to the faithful across the land. This man belonged to the clan of Stedman; friends to the faithful, with a legacy of rescuing believers from the facts.

      “Climb this rope! Let’s be friends!”

      Bobolink wrapped his hands tightly around the rope. He had found a traveling companion, for as long as was convenient anyway. For now though, he was safe from the facts.

      [Comment edited per blog comment policy on trolls/bans.]

      • Dan

        And how, exactly, is it “willful dishonesty” to change a comment that attacks the writer and offers nothing to the discussion (intentional trolling), and then *make a post stating that you have done so*?

        Willful dishonesty would be changing your post without admitting it.

      • pjmaertz

        The Troll Troll becomes the Tone Troll. Well troll away, Bobo

      • Volizden

        Its not as nearly as great as the amusement I get from your personal attention, though.

        Actual Person attention better than god…

        Just sayin’

      • baal

        Did you see the part where your words weren’t altered (yes removed but not maliciously edited) and the big notice in italics saying that your post was edited? That’s open and transparent. Would that more folks were similarly honest.

    • Azkyroth

      because, to my knowledge, I have never been banned.

      There’s your problem.

    • John Horstman

      And this is why JT is a rock star. The singing a little bit, but mostly this. :-D

  • Parse

    I can understand Uncle Bobolink’s rage at having his comments removed. When I go over to somebody’s house and take a dump on their couch, I also get pissed that they clean it up and kick me out, instead of appreciating my piece of modern performance art and keeping it forever.
    (For the linguistically-challenged, that’s sarcasm.)

    So, JT, for your next karaoke night, can we look forward to your rendition of The Ballad of Bobo Bobolink (feat. Leonard Nemoy)?

  • Avicenna

    This is quite possibly the best way of dealing with trolls ever. From henceforth all trolls shall get their own legend… AND I have just the idiot who deserves it…

  • Loqi

    I think the next comment roundup needs to be an entire chapter in the Ballad of Bobolink.

  • RuQu

    “Immediately, another fact pierced the moat’s surface just in front of Bobolink, this one chanting that morals come from compassion.”

    I think we might need a post discussing your definition of “fact.” I think we can objectively observe that a fundamentalist’s morals come from their holy books. Yours may well come from compassion, but it is certainly not a “fact” that they intrinsically derive from compassion. In fact, Randians believe that compassion and altruism are immoral.

    I saw another commenter posting today saying a very simple form of utilitarianism, namely that that “whatever makes the most happiness for the most people is the moral course.” This, of course, ignores that the majority might be quite happy to torture and kill the minority. Or, the less extreme example, a group of men may be quite happy to take naked pictures of a woman against her will, but that does NOT make it moral to do so, even though their “happiness” outnumbers her “unhappiness.”

    You are on solid ground when pointing out things most modern people would call evil that people do in the name of religion. You get on shaky ground when you claim these morals are somehow “moral facts” or universal.

    A column on your personal ethics might be worthwhile, even “atheists” as a whole don’t share an ethical framework.

  • Rikitiki

    (sung to the theme song to the 1950′s “Robin Hood” TV show – Richard Greene)

    Bobolink, Bobolink, trolling through the net
    Bobolink, Bobolink, cannot reason yet
    Faith bends his brain, he’s such a pain
    Bobolink, Bobolink, Bobolink

  • gratch

    - Bobolink found himself a slave to gravity as he tumbled into the shallow moat below.

    “But gravity is Only a Theory!” He shouted as he fell.