The Legend of Uncle Bobolink, Part III.



This continues the saga of a troll who keeps swapping his IP address to get around being banned, and who keeps having his comments mysteriously altered by a powerful sorcerer.

With sudden relief, Bobolink remembered some of Faithbrand’s magical qualities: it can be neither seen nor felt! Bobolinks’ trusty blade had been there the entire time! Weapon presumably in-hand, Bobolink prepared for the fight of his life.

The first fact emerged with a splash just to Bobolink’s left. With an automatic reaction built upon years of practice, Bobolink swung his weightless weapon with all of the force his muscles would allow. The fact stared at Bobolink almost confused, before slowly moving toward him continuing its song about a global flood never happening.

Bobolink backpedaled furiously. Why, he wondered, would his lord make a weapon that cannot be felt? Bobolink concluded that god was so much wiser than he, and must have had a reason (though that reason did not improve Uncle Bobolink’s present situation). Though Bobolink was sure his faith could move mountains and overcome any situation, Bobolink elected to amble in the opposite direction with all the haste he could manage with his soaking wet armor.

Immediately, another fact pierced the moat’s surface just in front of Bobolink, this one chanting that morals come from compassion. The fact peered deeply into Bobolink’s eyes with what appeared to be kindness, and whispered, “Do not run. We are trying to help you…”

“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” cried the increasingly desperate troll, still flailing the ineffective Faithbrand for the lack of any other ideas. It seemed hopeless, and deep inside Bobolink began to resign himself to his fate.

“Up here!”

Bobolink’s head whipped upwards. Standing near the castle walls was a figure in the tightest armor Bobolink had ever seen, but which bore a crest which shone brightly in the full moon that was known to the faithful across the land. This man belonged to the clan of Stedman; friends to the faithful, with a legacy of rescuing believers from the facts.

“Climb this rope! Let’s be friends!”

Bobolink wrapped his hands tightly around the rope. He had found a traveling companion, for as long as was convenient anyway. For now though, he was safe from the facts.

The arithmetic apologist.
HUMOR & GODLESSNESS: MST3K to riff on “God’s Not Dead” at American Atheist Convention.
About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • IslandBrewer

    Oh Frabjus Day! The Stedman and his tremendous respect for faith savified him! I bet they were BFFs from then on!

  • Avery Thompson

    This has to be the greatest thing I have ever read. Here’s hoping for a part IV.

  • RuQu

    I wrote this comment in the comments of Part 1, where this excerpt was originally edited. Repeating it here where it is more relevant and less lost.

    “Immediately, another fact pierced the moat’s surface just in front of Bobolink, this one chanting that morals come from compassion.”

    I think we might need a post discussing your definition of “fact.” I think we can objectively observe that a fundamentalist’s morals come from their holy books. Yours may well come from compassion, but it is certainly not a “fact” that they intrinsically derive from compassion. In fact, Randians believe that compassion and altruism are immoral.

    I saw another commenter posting today saying a very simple form of utilitarianism, namely that that “whatever makes the most happiness for the most people is the moral course.” This, of course, ignores that the majority might be quite happy to torture and kill the minority. Or, the less extreme example, a group of men may be quite happy to take naked pictures of a woman against her will, but that does NOT make it moral to do so, even though their “happiness” outnumbers her “unhappiness.”

    You are on solid ground when pointing out things most modern people would call evil that people do in the name of religion. You get on shaky ground when you claim these morals are somehow “moral facts” or universal.

    A column on your personal ethics might be worthwhile, even though “atheists” as a whole don’t share an ethical framework.

  • Fabio García

    DAMN that jab at Stedman was sorry, but it was hilarious.