More love for Dave Silverman.

Dave Silverman’s voicemail is just a big pile of epic.  While it takes work and intellect to learn about how the universe works, his voicemails are sterling examples of how any dumbass can have faith.

Yeah, I’ll remember this phone call.  I’ll remember it every time a Christian tells me that their religion makes people better.

Way to go, Christian warrior.  Way to stand up for love, equality, and intellect.  Saying Christianity makes people more moral is like saying that prayer makes people less sick.  Take the human element out of the equation and faith just tells people there’s scarcely any amount of ignorance or hatred that isn’t instantly forgiven because a person believes the proper absurd story.  This is a recipe for empowering any idea, no matter how ridiculous, not for morality.

Next they’ll be telling us that Christianity makes grown men and women more witty.

It’s like Master Shake got a human body in the real world.  The phenomenal ineptitude is even funnier when juxtaposed against a guy who all-but-certainly thinks he’s making a terrific point.

You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that far from making this guy better, his confidence that god approves of his every thought and action has allowed him to make this call and think that he’s standing up for something.

Kinda reminds me of this Lucifer, only not funny.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • baal

    I think I heard the first caller actually say the w in gawd.
    I’m also throwing a red flag on the first caller; using expletives and racial slurs every other word or so only shows that you’re inarticulate and incapable of making a strong argument.

    • SabsDkPrncs

      I also thought it sounded like he was reading from a prepared statement. Which to me makes it even worse. That’s the best you could come up with guy?

  • iknklast

    Michael Newdow actually turned some of his answering machine messages into a song. You can hear it on Dan Barker’s Beware of Dogma CD.

  • Debbie

    WWJD? Wow… In my religious days I used to own several different bible versions, including a “red letter” one where the words supposedly spoken by Jesus were rendered in red font. I really don’t remember seeing any red-font “motherfucker” “piece of shit” or “asshole.” This guy isn’t doing the best job of emulating his imaginary hero, sad to say, but in his twisted mind he probably thinks that phone call earned him some celestial brownie points.

    • Drakk

      Luke 11: “Don’t trouble me. The door is locked, got that? Bitch.”

  • Glodson

    Hey, people get all sorts of touchy when you fuck with their imaginary friends.

  • TK

    Wow, just wow. He actually gloats about people being shot and wants to watch them burning in hell. (the very idea no doubt aroused him) So very “Christian” of him. The call would probably have been longer except it was time for his daily venom injection from Glenn Beck.

    • Andrew Kohler

      Christopher Hitchens often cited Tertullian’s promise to the faithful that when they were in heaven they would get to watch people burning in hell, so by that standard the first caller is very Christian.

      I am very offended by the first call, as I’m sure George Carlin would be, for its incompetent use of the word “fuck” and its variants. He has taken one of the most colorful, lively, and versatile words in the English language and repeated it so often, and with so little imagination, that it becomes obnoxious and tiresome. Someone needs to teach this man to swear convincingly, right after teaching him how to be a decent human being. He also fails to adduce any evidence of either Mr. Silverman or the president having no balls; this idiom suggests pusillanimity when, in fact, activism suggests the opposite quality. Oh, and his vile racism was just tossed in offhandedly, which I suppose increases the shock value but nonetheless is very poor rhetorical structure. Maybe he was afraid that he wouldn’t sufficiently discredited himself without proof of buying in to the notion of white supremacy. (Have you ever noticed that the people who believe in white supremacy are living proof against their own position? Sort of like how the proponents of “intelligent design” prove that our species is not intelligently designed.)

      As to the other call: “…you believe in nothing, so you must believe in me.” Does anyone else note an inherent contradiction herein? And he seemed to be implying that Lucifer considers us nonbelievers allies, and yet Lucifer then proceeds to issue threats. That’s an odd way to treat one’s allies, Lucifer. “You must not segregate, congregate, or any gate whatsoever until the Gates of Hell open upon you”–what!?!? This guy needs to invest in a dictionary. The litany of people with pictures is terribly tiresome and uninteresting, and failed to make any point; he should have omitted it. I do love how he says that David should update his CV to remove “Hannity and Colmes” because it no longer exists (but, tragically, “Hannity” does). Someone needs to explain to him how CVs work, methinks. I can’t tell exactly what his point was about circumcision (and it’s God and not Lucifer who advocates that sick shit, btw); I think he was suggesting that it’s a bad thing that should be viewed as a punishment of sorts–if so, it just goes to show that even the dumbest people accidentally get something right on occasion (and that it’s evident even to the dumbest people that divine mandates to take knives to children is, shall we understate, questionable).

      Wow. People need to learn how to use words. They can come in very handy, you know. I assign the first call a D- (there was a bit of unintended humor, however tiresome, to save it from failing) and the second a failing grade.

  • Loqi

    He seems to think the president is a judge. He also seems to think a letter is a court case.

  • Brad1990

    Huh, Lucifer’s American. Who knew?

    I got bored of the second one 2 minutes in. The first one, on the other hand, is hilarious (in a kind of laugh-or-you’ll-cry kind of way). I genuinely didn’t think Teabagging Redneck stereotypes existed in the real word. He actually said “Gawd” and referred to the President as “that damned nigger”. What a twat.

  • Scott

    The most interesting statement from the first caller was that he hoped to one day “turn on the internet” and see something or other. The obvious implication is that one can turn the internet “off”. You learn something new every day!

  • Jeremy Shaffer

    It sounded like Lucifer was having trouble staying awake through his call.

  • Michael

    Well Jesus did say (in Luke 17:2) that if anyone offends a Christian it would be better if they had millstone tied around their neck and they were thrown into the ocean. I guess we can’t expect his followers to be any more charitable.