God must be a Republican.

Cindy Jacobs recently told her congregation how she led a prayer campaign that saved the economy.

Well thanks, Cindy.  Man, god sure looks out for people.  Thanks for taking care of the people on Wall Street, who have to endure the decision of where to order their prime rib whenever they want it.  Also, god will make a pair of Cindy Jacob’s shoes last a long time or help her make travel arrangements when she’s traveling to Venezuela.  If you’re rich, white, faithful, and already have humans trying to fix your problems, he’s on the job if you just pray.

Cindy Jacobs in a near-throne and nice dress.
Cindy Jacobs, winner.

But if you’re incredibly faithful and not white, rich, and already have humans trying to solve your problems, even if you pray non-stop everyday, as if your life depended on it, not for yachts or phone cards, but just for god to ease your suffering, then fuck you.

Children starving to death.
Sorry kids, maybe if you had your own congregation.

Boy, Cindy Jacobs must sure be special.

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