Timothy Dolan could be Pope, but first…

Timothy Dolan is perhaps the highest ranking Catholic in the United States, and is a candidate to become the next Supreme Pontiff.

Dolan, who also serves as president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is among the cardinals who will choose a new pope after the resignation of Benedict XVI. Dolan himself was a 33-1 longshot for the papacy as of last week, according to one British bookmaker.

But first, he is getting deposed for…wait for it…child rape while he was in charge.

Dolan was archbishop of Milwaukee from 2002 to 2009 before taking the same position in New York, the Catholic Church’s top U.S. pulpit. The church has been rocked globally by revelations that it failed to stop the sexual abuse of children by priests for decades, and Dolan’s old archdiocese filed for bankruptcy in the face of numerous lawsuits by victims.

The Chapter 11 proceedings led to the discovery that Dolan had approved payments of $20,000 to get abusive priests to leave the church in 2003. The Milwaukee archdiocese confirmed that it had offered the payoffs as “the most expedient and cost-effective way” to get rid of them.

I know a more cost-effective way to get rid of them: “Sorry pal, we actually care about morality, we don’t just talk about caring about morality all the time but we actually care about it, and so a child rapist isn’t exactly the kind of person we want around – and certainly not the type of person we want to hand twenty grand.  I think McDonald’s is hiring, or you could turn yourself into the authorities and get rent free for a while, during which time you could reflect on the immorality of fucking children.  Ta!”

Make me the next Pope.  I got this.

  • Glodson

    Of course, this handling the situation makes him prefect for the position. It doesn’t matter who he has allowed to be harmed, as long as he protects the church.

    And by protecting the church, they can teach the rest of how to be moral by condemning all sorts of horrible things. Like abortion, contraception, and how we should be forgiven by Cardinals who protected the pedophiles.

  • baal

    FWIW 20K would have been considered cheep in comparison to having the lawsuit. It’s pretty common in legal defense work to offer something about that much to get rid of cases you consider a nuisance. Also common in that type of deal would be gag order so that the complainant would not speak out against the church. So again, not really taking the high road.

  • mikeym

    Those same bankruptcy proceedings revealed that Dolan tried to hide from the courts $55 million in a cemetery trust fund, to keep it from being paid to rape victims.

  • nakedanthropologist

    I want you to be pope, JT. If it pleases Your Holiness, can we make a few refinements to Catholic doctrine once you command the Legions Vast?

  • Art Vandelay

    How is this mother fucker not arrested let alone eligible for pope. Awarding people with cash bonuses for raping kids can’t be legal, can it?

    • Glodson

      He is protected by the shield of respect the church, and really religion, has. Hell, it took a long time for Jerry Sandusky to be arrested for much the same reason.

  • Glodson
  • Kathryn Jean Lopez

    apologies for the double-comment!!

  • Peggy

    I just wonder if there are any candidates for pope among the 200 or so Cardinals who are *not* up to their necks in child rape cover-ups, blackmail rings, or other high crimes. Any at all?


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