Timothy Dolan could be Pope, but first…

Timothy Dolan is perhaps the highest ranking Catholic in the United States, and is a candidate to become the next Supreme Pontiff.

Dolan, who also serves as president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is among the cardinals who will choose a new pope after the resignation of Benedict XVI. Dolan himself was a 33-1 longshot for the papacy as of last week, according to one British bookmaker.

But first, he is getting deposed for…wait for it…child rape while he was in charge.

Dolan was archbishop of Milwaukee from 2002 to 2009 before taking the same position in New York, the Catholic Church’s top U.S. pulpit. The church has been rocked globally by revelations that it failed to stop the sexual abuse of children by priests for decades, and Dolan’s old archdiocese filed for bankruptcy in the face of numerous lawsuits by victims.

The Chapter 11 proceedings led to the discovery that Dolan had approved payments of $20,000 to get abusive priests to leave the church in 2003. The Milwaukee archdiocese confirmed that it had offered the payoffs as “the most expedient and cost-effective way” to get rid of them.

I know a more cost-effective way to get rid of them: “Sorry pal, we actually care about morality, we don’t just talk about caring about morality all the time but we actually care about it, and so a child rapist isn’t exactly the kind of person we want around – and certainly not the type of person we want to hand twenty grand.  I think McDonald’s is hiring, or you could turn yourself into the authorities and get rent free for a while, during which time you could reflect on the immorality of fucking children.  Ta!”

Make me the next Pope.  I got this.

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