When the zombies come, stay the hell away from New Mexico.

In my most recent column for ShitZombiesSay.net I respond to an article where it was argued that New Mexico would be an ideal place to be in a zombie-infested world.  Ugh…

The first reason he gives is the terrain:NM terrain

Wow! What could be more conducive to survival than this? As it turns out, pretty much any place on earth.

As the author says:

With wide, open spaces like the mesa, dense hills and the desert, we’ll see those undead bastards coming miles away.

That is true, but with no natural obstacles it also means that zeds can see you from a mile away.  This is a problem since you have a finite pool of energy for doing things like running while zombies do not.  Good luck finding a safe place to sleep in the desert.

Also, how long are you going to be out in these wide-open, arid spaces?  While food may not be an issue for zombies, it sure is for humans, and there ain’t a whole lot of it in that picture.

More important than food is water, but the author talks a bit about that.

Water would be scarce, but New Mexicans are used to that.  Have we ever not been in a drought?

That’s an easy problem to deal with when you have running water.  When you don’t though, you’re more fucked than a porn star.  Look there’s a reason New Mexico and Utah are not very populous states and more lush states are: these conditions suck for human beings.  This is why settlers didn’t stop in New Mexico on their way to California.  If you’re going to be trying to make it in the wilderness with little experience doing so, you should try to play it as much on easy mode as you can.

Follow the link to read the whole article.

Also, are you an artist?  Would you like to make money for your art?  At present $3700 of the kickstarter project for the Shit Zombies Say book is to pay 37 different artists $100 for submissions that will go into the book:

Publication date: late August / early Sept. Art needs to be in by August 10th or SOONER! The Kickstarter closes August 8, 2013. We’ll be deciding and PAYING artists as soon as the funds are released.

1. We want artists who are passionate about zombies
2. Artist age is not restricted except on adult humor copy. We’d love to showcase some talented KIDS!
3. Artists do not have to be a professional illustrator
4. We have 1001 zombie jokes Artists can pick from to illustrate as well as chapter pages
5. Artist name goes in the book
6. Artist can include one social media link to be imbedded with their art in the EBook. Link will also be in the soft cover edition.
7. Art size is 8″ x 11
8. Art can be hand done or digital. Digital submissions 600 dpi or higher.

9. Tweet your art to @ShitZombiesSay once it is done. We want the WORLD to see it and we want to talk about YOU on all our social media platforms: Twitter, Facebook, our Bite Club Blog, foursquare, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.

10. We retain all rights to the original art but if we use it again for other products outside of the book, you get 10% of the net profits as royalties in perpetuity. There, it’s in writing for the world to see!

So head over to the kickstarter if you want to submit art to the project!

  • Octavo

    New Mexico has plains, rolling hills, forests, and mountains. If there were a zombie invasion, I’d head straight for the Lincoln National Forest in the Rocky Mountains. If I brought a bow, I could live off of the abundant deer in the wild. As a Boy Scout, I camped there frequently. It’s not all nearly as bleak as that photo implies.

  • Loqi

    In a post-apocalyptic zombie attack scenatio, how would I even get to New Mexico if I wanted to go there? My car’s gas mileage isn’t great, and it’s a long-ass walk from Minneapolis.

    • Loqi

      Nevermind. I hit the idea jackpot for zombie world transportation: zombie-drawn covered wagon.

      • baal

        In zombie land, I want to be friends with the Mythbusters. They could make a full metal chamber, merge it with parts from 5-6 stairmasters from a local gym and tada! self motive tank tread. It wouldn’t have to be hugely fast so much as have enough water to last until you can get further away.

        The advanced version would make the zombie motive chamber waterproof. That way you could use lakes as a differential way to slow down the zombies. I assume soaked zombies either 1) swell up when wet or 2) rot faster when wet. Either way, the zombies should slow down.

        The other advantage of a mythbuster as a builder is that they might use some gearing to maximize speed and make your zombie powered tank faster than a solo zombie on foot.

      • Spuddie

        Getting them to walk in a straight line could be troublesome.

        • Artor

          Dangle a brain on a stick, or a bratty kid if one is handy.

  • http://gamesgirlsgods.blogspot.com/ Feminerd

    Ugh, no deserts! Water is important. There’s a reason migrants die in the desert, even carrying some water and being led by people who set up caches of water ahead of time.

    I’d rather the mountains, as Octavo suggested. I live in Dallas, so it’s not exactly easy to get to any, but the Rockies in New Mexico or thereabouts would be good places to hole up. Abundant water and wildlife, temperate climate, trees to build shelter out of and burn for fire, and hard for uncoordinated zombies to climb.

  • Tyler Lewis

    This article is flawed – I was born and raised in NM. Most of the state is actually high plains, not desert. The state also boasts multiple mountain ranges one of which has a maximum elevation of 13,000 ft above sea level, what most people don’t know is that Santa Fe is actually at a higher elevation than Denver. It’s a common misconception that NM is nothing but desert, but in all reality there are multiple types of terrain in the state, some of which would be conducive to surviving a zombie apocalypse.

  • Michael W Busch

    This is a problem since you have a finite pool of energy for doing things like running while zombies do not

    Ah – you have magic zombies. That’s how you get around them dropping dead (deader?) after the first two hundred kilometers of chasing a slow-moving car.

    For physically-possible zombies, the flatter parts of New Mexico aren’t a bad choice: easier to contain the outbreak zone by driving in circles around it. After a couple of days of that, all of the zombies would be down permanently and the biohazard team could go in and ash everything that was infected.

    • UWIR

      Ah – you have magic zombies.

      Umm, yeah. Do you not understand what the word “zombie” means?

      • Michael W Busch

        There are many different versions of zombies people have invented. There are the various magic/fantasy zombie types, which includes the oldest versions (tracking back to West African vodun). Then there are the more recent science-fiction versions, where the zombies are caused by a disease of some kind that kills the mind of the host but leaves it moving around the landscape as a vector for further infection.

        The sci-fi zombies should be limited by energy storage if they don’t eat – just like humans, but unable to use other energy sources. That means the humans have the advantage: they have all of the tools, and the zombies die quickly if they can’t eat. It happens that many zombie works ignore energy conservation and make the zombies unstoppable. So despite the handwaving of “zombie plague”, they’re still magic zombies.

  • Rob U

    As always, these articles keep giving out the wrong information. If you want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you head to Northern Ontario.

    Unless those Zombies are like the ones from “I Am Legend”, they’re at ‘room temperature’ and will freeze solid in the wicked cold Canadian winter. Ever wonder why you can’t refreeze previously frozen meat before cooking it? As the item freezes the liquid inside crystallizes and expands, rupturing the cell membrane. When the item melts the reversion from solid to liquid leaves behind a dryer and damaged piece of meat. Since the brain is mostly gelatinous tissue, you end up with a pile of goo – gooey leaky brains means no animated corpse.

    There’s lots of empty land, Moose, Elk, and Deer for eating and a decent growing season for some of the hardier crops. Plenty of wood for building materials and lots of clean lakes / rivers for drinking water.

    Come spring you could start heading south again, setting up a network of “screamers” (solar powered devices which emit a high frequency noise that attracts zombies) along the way. Activate them in sequence so you can lure any surviving zombies from the south to an isolated location in the north to be “killed” by the next Canadian winter.

    Find enough like minded survivors to help out and I figure most of North America could be dezombified in about 10 years.

    • Michael W Busch

      they’re at ‘room temperature’ and will freeze solid in the wicked cold Canadian winter

      I like your thinking.

    • EvolutionKills

      Yep, and I live just across Lake Erie from you guys. If the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll outlast them through the winter and my family has a boat for the rest of the year. Outside of the cities along the lake, it’s pretty rural with plenty of game to hunt and fish to catch. All things considered, I’m not in a half bad place to hold up for the apocalypse.

    • Cake

      Zombies are magic it’s not going to let a little thing like cell membranes and bacteria and physics stop them.

      • Rob U

        Just because we don’t yet understand the natural reasons behind their locomotive and breeding processes doesn’t all of a sudden make them magic – its just something we don’t know that has yet to be discovered.

        We know that like some worms and reptiles, they have the ability to remain functional when a limb is severed from the body. They’re also attracted to loud noises, allowing them to be herded into effective kill zones. Others are capable of finding the uninfected through smell, meaning that odorous camouflage is sometimes required.

        When it comes to killing them, as far as current experiments show a bullet to the brain, machete to the neck, or some other blunt force trauma to the cranial area is often they only guaranteed way to kill them.

        I’ll grant you that there’s a lot we don’t know about Zombies, but based on what I’ve seen I’m fairly confident there’s nothing supernatural about them. Though I do have to say, if they’re Resident Evil Zombies – we’re all fucked, those guys are so biologically advanced that even though they’re driven by the T-Cell Virus they might as well be magic for all the damage we’d be able to do. :-)

  • otrame

    One other vote for NM. In areas where the biggest limitation to an individual plant is competition with other plants, a great deal of energy goes into building structure–so the trees in rain forests are huge. In areas where the biggest limitation is the environment itself, such as places as the one you see above, the plants spend most of their energy on reproductive tissue. I’m talking flowers, fruits, seeds, bulbs, tubers, etc. Guess what people eat? Hint: we do not eat wood.

    The truth is that the hardest place for a human to make a living off the land is a forest, temperate and boreal are the worst because nuts are so seasonal. Tropical forests are bad too, largely because reproductive tissue is held up too far off the ground.

    Semi-arid areas are a freaking smorgasbord. Lots of tubers, seeds, fruits. Cactus is available year-round. You will have to move around some, though once you learn what is available seasonally in each area, you can keep that down to three or four times a year, which will allow the wildlife move back into each area while you are gone.

    I admit I like the idea of luring the zombies north. You can do that in NM too. Not luring them north, luring them UP. Winters on mountains are plenty cold enough to do the job.

    So NM will be fine once you find few water sources, admittedly a potential problem in some parts of the state. There will be plenty to eat year-round. Even without hunting.

  • UWIR

    “That is true, but with no natural obstacles it also means that zeds can see you from a mile away.”
    Do zombies hunt by sight?

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