Drive-thru prayer service is now a thing.

Sometimes you just need a prayer.  Not just any old prayer like when you ask god to do something yourself.  No, sometimes you need someone else to ask god to do the thing you want, because that works better.

And when you need someone else to ask god to alleviate some of the suffering he designed into existence, sometimes you need the type of prayer you can’t get by phoning it in or by emailing someone to ask them to talk to god for you.  We’re talking important stuff where you need to ask the go-between designated praying person face-to-face to talk to god for you (otherwise how can you be sure the prayer would work?).  But who has time for that in today’s busy world?

Well don’t worry (if you live in Dalton, Georgia)!  Now there is drive-through prayer service!

Church-goers in Georgia can now welcome the Lord into their hearts without leaving the confines of their cars thanks to weekly drive-thru prayer missions hosted by Cedar Valley Cathedral of Praise each Sunday.

I’ll bet they’ll even let you supersize your prayer for a modest donation.  It’s powerful stuff, just ask Anne Keith, who has been convinced by the drive-through prayer window of god’s tremendous power:

“They gave me a prayer cloth,” said Keith. “My church doesn’t do that. It reminds me every day of my life that I have faith that God can do anything. There’s nothing God cannot do. It reminds me of hope and strength. I carry two with me. I won’t get dressed without them. They have a calling. I think it’s a very sweet, caring, loving ministry. I think that’s a blessing in this world.”

A prayer cloth?  Does that amplify the praying power in some way?  Are prayers to god made with the official cloth somehow more powerful than the exact same prayer recited without it?  What if they had given her a prayer twig or a prayer rock?  Is the cloth really that amazing?

God can do anything.  If we take that claim at face value, god could demonstrate his power in any number of ways, not the least of which would be coming to Anne’s house and handing her the piece of fabric himself.  We’re not talking about creating a galaxy here, we’re talking about fashioning a flimsy piece of fabric and handing it to someone – easy for mortals, but god’s never managed it.  In this case Anne got into her car (made by humans) of her own volition, drove to a building (built by humans) to receive a piece of cloth (made by humans) from another human, and now she is assured that god has the power to do anything having witnessed regular old mortals doing the mundane.

I pity Anne, and I pity her more for every dollar that is siphoned from her to the collection plate of these charlatans.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Charlie

    There is an Assemblies of God church where I live in CA that does this too. I don’t know about prayer cloths, holy water, or swords of unicorn.

    • iknklast

      I want a swords of unicorn. That would be amazing! They can keep the prayer cloth if they’ll just provide that. Of course, I’d need to see proof that it was really unicorn.

      • Highlander

        If unicorns existed, we would have driven them extinct years ago. We would have ground up their horns, hooves, bones and dried penises as a traditional medicine cure for everything from a ruptured hymen to compulsive masturbation. Their hair would have been used for necklaces and jewelry and their skins as chastity belts that ensure our daughters virginity until marriage. Let’s not leave out their intestines which would be used for condoms.

        • iknklast

          All too true. Like the white rhino.

  • Art_Vandelay

    Think about the complete and utter narcissism it must take for a human being to say, “God loves you and he’s capable of anything…but if you need something, it’d be better if I asked him for you.” It’s like we want to be controlled. We fucking love it.

  • Ubi Dubium

    I recommend upgrading to a prayer blankie. A prayer blankie is so much more powerful than a plain old prayer cloth, because it keeps away the monsters under the bed and also doubles as a superman cape.

    Of course, it it’s a truly serious prayer need, then it’s a prayer towel you need.

    • otrame

      It won’t be hard to upgrade from the prayer cloths I’ve seen. They are actually paper, slightly thicker than your average paper towel.

      I, too, genuinely feel sorry for the Anne’s of this world, who are far stronger and more able than they think they are.

    • DavidMHart

      Then, in a nod to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you could be a Holy Fraud who really knows where their prayer towel is.

      Or is that too much of a stretch?

      • Ubi Dubium

        You could wrap it around your head to avoid hearing the Rational Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

  • OCRazor

    Prayer cloth? What is that?? Is that like a Growl Towel?

  • Roger

    Every time I see some kind of “prayer cloth” or “holy water from the Jordan” or similar bilking items, I think to myself, “I could make a fortune selling those things. Too bad I have a sense of integrity and honesty.”

  • Stev84

    As if American-style Christianity wasn’t enough of a joke already