The initial title for this piece was “Christians say god saves them from gunman”, but I changed it for purposes of accuracy. A guy went to rob a McDonalds and his gun malfunctioned. And because guns never malfunction (which makes a person wonder why our soldiers, who are presumably in possession of high-quality firearms, receive copious training about how to disassemble, clean, and reassemble their weapons as a response to them jamming), a Christian man leaped to the only reasonable conclusion: god saved him.
Police say they can’t explain why a shooter’s weapon jammed at a Fort Worth McDonald’s on Tuesday night, but at least one customer says he knows why a tragedy was averted:
“That’s all it was, was God,” Davage Armstrong tells WFAA. “That’s all it could have been.”
That’s all it could’ve been! A god who watches the innocent gunned down by thieves on a daily basis without lifting a finger saw this particular thief and because he loved Davage Armstrong so damn much, this time god decided to intervene. Yeah, he couldn’t be bothered for all those other sods (most of which were Christians, statistically), but for you, Davage? He’s got your back. God has big plans for you, Davage Armstrong (that he didn’t have for little Suzie who got gunned down just yesterday a few towns over). High five, buddy.
Of course, god didn’t come down in a blast of light to stop the assailant, he just stopped the gun from working in a way that looked completely consistent with a jammed gun. Otherwise it might be possible to fully resolve the issue for everybody, not just in the eyes of some pretentious dude who already believed, and god apparently can’t have that.
Even the suspect’s family is crediting divine intervention. Joseph’s mother, who doesn’t want to be identified, tells the Star-Telegram she believes he was suffering a nervous breakdown, and the gun malfunctioned “because we were praying.”
“… I told God to keep Jestin, and that’s what I do believe happened,” she told the newspaper on Thursday. “I did not know he even had a gun.”
Added Jestin’s mother “…and to all you copious families with troubled children who prayed for their offspring right before they committed a heinous crime or committed suicide, I guess you just didn’t pray hard enough.” The arrogance of these people.
And your son is being held on $500,000 bond. How’s god doing at keeping your son? I guess it could be worse, since had the gun gone off he’d be getting charged with murder, but it’s awfully generous of you to credit god with success just because he didn’t maximally fail. That’s paying someone to house sit for you and then praising them for doing a great job when you return to find that only most of the house burned.
Seriously. This is your religion of humility. It makes me sick.