I woke up today with my brain eating at me over my weight. So I woke up, took Michaelyn to school, and went about controlling my environment. Then I came across this article by Wes Fenza at Polyskeptic. He talks about growing up as a fat kid and what went through his mind:
Wes is a better man than I. I met him at the PA Atheist/Humanist Conference and he’s extremely nice and equally upbeat. My obesity carried with me through college and I let it make me bitter at the world. Most people are shallow to one extent or another. It’s not like we choose this, it’s part of our biology. If intellect or compassion were as enticing to most people as particular physical attributes then pornography would look very different. I’m not saying that values like kindness or passion or intellect are irrelevant, but when you’re fat it really seems to you like they don’t mean anything unless you first have an ideal body.
Remember how I said that my 5th grade girlfriend ended up being important to me? That’s this part of the story. That “relationship” was probably the only thing that kept me from feeling like a complete loser throughout middle school. As with most adolescent boys, I was obsessed with girls, not only because I had strange new desires, but also because I wanted to be a person with a girlfriend. Somewhere along the line, I internalized the idea that having a girlfriend was the most important thing a person could do to be worthwhile. The longer I spent single, the more pathetic I felt. The only thing staving off complete despair was the fact that I had a girlfriend and one point in my life, so clearly I wasn’t completely worthless to girls.
Except, really, I always knew I wasn’t completely worthless to girls. Girls liked me. I had a number of female friends, and I tended to get along well with girls in general. There was only one part of me that was worthless to girls – my body. No matter how much of a connection I formed with a girl, she would be repulsed at the idea of touching me on any level beyond a friendly hug. My body was disgusting to girls. Sometimes, they would tell me so. Most of the time, they would give me one of those so-called “polite” rejections, e.g. “I just don’t feel that way about you,” or “I don’t have time to date right now,” or “I’m busy on [every evening you ask me out].”
It fucks with your head, and in my case I came to hate the world so much that I stopped going into it. When you’re fat your world becomes a symphony of well-meaning lies:
“You’ll find someone who loves you for you.” What you hear is “Someone will have lower standards for physical perfection in a partner than I.”
And once you get diagnosed with hallucinations, once you know you’re not seeing the world clearly with regards to anything regarding your weight, you wonder how much of it is them and how much of it is you. To this day I’ve never really known.
Anyway, the article touched me. Kudos to Wes.