I didn’t sleep last night (so I apologize for what’s sure to be a myriad of typos), but I did get to see the sunrise. It’s Kansas, so the only silver lining was in my head, but at least it was there. Mostly it looks like a sunset, just muggier.
I’d like to think I have a pretty high threshold for mockery and criticism. If somebody unfairly criticizes me, I’m pretty good at brushing it off without a second thought. Likewise, if someone insults me…what do the kids say today? I ain’t even mad? Yeah, that.
And likewise, when my brain starts telling me things like everything good I have is a remnant of the last time I was sick enough to be in good shape and it won’t last forever, or how wonderful it feels to have an empty stomach, or to look at the scale and see a smaller number (down 2 lbs this week, which is just on the verge of healthy weight loss, so doing ok), or that soon everybody in your life will realize they deserve better than me…at first it doesn’t bother me for the same reason unfair criticisms or insults don’t bother me: I know they’re not true.
But the thing about psychological torture is that everybody’s tough at first. No torturer expects to break a person in the first session. It’s the marathon of abuse that finally makes someone crack. But at least when the perpetrator is a human being, once you give in there’s the possibility they will stop. But when your mind is the culprit, there’s no stop. Even after you’ve crumbled and admitted you’re fat, a burden on everybody around you, and all the things your crippled mind insists day after day, it won’t cease.
A lot of times that’s why people with depression or anorexia take their own lives. They don’t want to die, they just want psychological assault to stop and have become convinced it’s the only way how.
Don’t worry, I’m nowhere near that point. But I’ve experienced it and that’s part of the reason I’ve committed to writing about my experiences with this condition, to give people insight into it. I also want to provide solidarity to the people who are in the same boat. Last night I just got exhausted and my brain was far too occupied with convincing me of the false to let me sleep. The shitty thing is that if, for a moment, you buy into your own insecurities, it’s easy to become convinced that others, even those closest to you, bought into them long before you did.
So posting will be light today. I got a few hours of sleep in this morning and will try to get some more. Today will be better, and soon I’ll be back in therapy. I know from past experience that it can and does get better, like most illnesses, if you only get treatment. I guess I’m writing that as much to convince myself as any other similarly afflicted people out there. But it’s the truth.
Here’s to getting better, starting with finding that god damn woodpecker outside my apartment, making it suffer, and then going back to trying to sleep. Seriously though, here’s to getting better. Let’s all get better together. <3