Excerpts From The Sacred Search

Now Featured at the Patheos Book Club The Sacred Search What If It's Not About Who You Marry, But Why? By Gary Thomas Book Excerpt 1 Ten years after you're married, what kind of tears will you be crying? Will they be the stinging tears of pain or warm tears generated by joy? The reality is, every marriage has plenty of both kinds of tears, but it's also true that some marriages are marked primarily by pain while others are marked primarily by joy. No marriage is easy, but some marriages build each partner up, while others tear each partner down. Every marriage takes time and effort, but some marriages sap the spouses' strength, while others generate joy and enthusiasm and intimacy. I'm writing this book because I want you to cry tears of joy on your tenth anniversary. I want you to be able to say, with all sincerity, "Next to becoming a Christian, marrying _______ is the best decision I've ever made." But here's the thing that might shock you: the answer to this question may well be driven more by why you get married than by who you marry. It's not that the "who" doesn't matter (in fact, it matters very much); it's just that asking and settling the "why" question first will set you up to make a wise choice about the "who." Why do you want to get married? That's what you need to ask before you decide who to marry. I want you to have a spiritually enriching marriage, a marriage that spawns life, vibrancy, intimacy, a lifetime of memories with your best friend, and the overwhelming joy of creating a family together. Family life is such a good life, and intimate marriage is such an amazing gift. The friendship that results from facing all seasons of life together, praying together, raising kids together, serving the Lord together, having fun, having sex, suffering heartaches and heartbreaks, overcoming setbacks and learning to deal with disappointments, growing together through all of them, creates a bond that no initial sexual attraction or romantic infatuation could ever hope to match. The reward for making a wise marital choice is so tremendous that I don't want you to miss it. The consequences of making a foolish choice can be so painful and lasting that I don't want you to have to endure them. Excerpt 2 Can you help me out here? There must be a version of the Bible out there I haven't read yet, one that has a mysterious exception clause. I thought I had the bases covered in my research. I've checked out the King James, the English Standard Version, the New King James, the New International Version (both the 1984 and the 2011 editions), the Message, the New Living Translation, the New American Standard, and many others. None of them—not one—contains the exception clause I'm looking for, so if you find it, will you please email me and let me know which version has it? Because apparently it's the version many singles read. The exception clause I'm referring to is found in Matthew 6:33. Here's how it reads in the New King James Version: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." The mysterious version I'm looking for, the one I see so many people following and memorizing, goes something like this: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, except when you're choosing someone to marry. In that case, you should follow your emotions, insist on a thrilling romantic attraction and overall relational compatibility that makes the relationship fun , and then all these things will be added unto you." Let me ask you: do you trust Jesus? Do you believe that He truly has your best interests at heart, that He would never mislead you—that if you follow His advice, you're setting yourself up for the best, most meaningful, and most fulfilling life imaginable? Can you count on Him knowing what He's talking about? Do you think it's possible that the second most important decision you'll ever make—who you marry—should be based on Jesus's fundamental agenda for our lives: seeking first God's kingdom and righteousness? Do you believe every significant decision we make should be run through this grid? If our choice of marital partner is an exception, what wouldn't qualify as an exception? If Jesus's words aren't relevant for such a crucial decision, why would they have any importance in any lesser decision? I want to make a promise to you: if you will seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness and let that agenda drive your decision regarding whom you choose to marry and refuse to compromise on that, you will set yourself up for a much more fulfilling, spiritually enriching, and overall more satisfying marriage. The degree to which you compromise on this verse is the degree to which you put your future satisfaction in jeopardy and open wide the door to great frustration and even regret. Excerpt 3 Instead of a "soul mate," I'd like to suggest a more biblical pursuit. It sounds exactly the same, but the meaning is radically different. You need to look for a "sole mate." A sole mate is someone who walks out with us (the "sole" of a shoe!) the biblical command to seek first the kingdom of God. This is all about the shoe-leather application of biblical love. The most accurate definition of true love is found in John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." This love isn't based on feelings; it's based on sacrifice. The Bible calls men to act like martyrs toward their wives, laying down their own lives on their wives' behalf (Eph. 5:25). Titus says older women need to train younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). Need I point out, men and women, that these are severe verses, to an extreme? Martyrdom on behalf of your wife? Being "trained"—actively studying and learning—how to love your husband? This is heavy stuff. Guys, you may feel infatuated now, but in agreeing to become a husband of one wife, you are agreeing to put her needs above your own for the rest of your life—regardless of what happens. Are you ready for that? And women, as soon as you say "I do," you are committing before God and the community of faith to expend your best efforts helping, loving, and supporting this man. Infatuation fills your eyes with what you're getting , but let the Bible fill your mind with what you're committing to give. These passages alone are enough to tell us that within marriage, love is not an emotion; it's a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. It's something that can be learned and that we can grow in. Biblical love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved—none of us deserves Christ's sacrifice—but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Christian life is a journey toward love, growing in love, expanding in our ability to love, surrendering our hearts to love, increasingly becoming a person who is motivated by love. A "sole mate" appreciates that marriage is a partnership committed to the task of walking out the biblical mandate to always put love first. It's not marked by the couple who displays the most emotion, with the biggest smiles on their faces, who can't keep their hands off each other; but rather, the women or men who, through the duties and sacrifice of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God's love. They walk out the gospel on a daily basis, forgiving, serving, and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life in such a way that they see themselves in training for godliness. Such a couple will grow together, as surely as merely sentimental couples will grow apart. Excerpt 4 My friend Steve Watters has wisely said, "People who marry well aren't lucky in love. They're intentional in their path." Too many Christians are lazy in love—expecting God to make up for their sloth. When we view getting married as an intentional pursuit, and if we accept the premise that there isn't just one person you can be happily married to, we can draw the following conclusions: Instead of simply "waiting for God to bring the right one," go out and find a godly mate. That's what God specifically tells us to do in Proverbs 31:10. It's even what Abraham sent his servant to do on behalf of Isaac. Choose social situations where you are more likely to meet a diverse number of people who qualify as acceptable marriage partners. In the face of sexual temptation, increase your odds of marrying well by getting more serious about pursuing marriage, in part by focusing on your own character—spiritually, financially, relationally, and emotionally. Taking sexual shortcuts hinders a healthy marriage and delays a holy solution. Do what you can to make yourself more attractive as a marriage partner. Learn how to hold your own in a conversation. Don't go heavily into debt. If you need to get in shape, do so. "Waiting on God" can be a cop-out if you're not working on yourself. Maybe God's waiting on you to get your house in order. Laziness never honors God. The Bible is brutal when denouncing sloth. If you put off a serious pursuit of marriage, if you deny the need to keep yourself in good shape, don't blame God when you reap the consequences of your own actions. While pursuing marriage is a good and holy pursuit, it shouldn't become the primary pursuit. We are told to seek first the kingdom of God, not seek first marriage. So don't put your faith, worship, and service on a shelf, assuming you can pick it back up once you find your mate. Finding a wonderful life mate is not about winning the lottery. It's not a mystical exercise. This isn't to suggest you shouldn't seek God's guidance and make your choice prayerfully—of course you should—but in the end, you're making a rational, biblically informed, and hopefully wisely counseled choice. Own it—both the process and the final decision. Excerpt 5 During an interview, a Hollywood actress didn't rave to a reporter about her husband's wealth, looks, or reputation. Instead, watching her husband on set with one of their children, she said, "The one thing I can say I did a good job on, I found a great man to father kids with. It's like if I didn't do anything else right in this world, my kids got a good doggone daddy."1 Right now, your children are theoretical. When they take on actual flesh and blood, you will experience emotions and a capacity for sacrificial love that you never even knew existed. You would be willing to swim across the ocean in a lead coat in order to save them. The most significant act of love, however, takes place before they're born. Before you agree to marry anyone, ask yourself, "Is this the best mother/father I can find for my children?" The time will come when, like this actress, you will be more grateful than you can imagine, or more regretful than you've ever been, because you have chosen for them a wonderful or below-average parent. For starters, what you'll want more than anything else is for those babies to be with you for all eternity. You're going to want them to become Christians. It won't feel like "want." It'll feel like "need." One mother approached me and asked me to speak with her daughter, a young woman who claimed to be a "seriously committed" Christian who was planning on marrying a young man who declared himself an agnostic and whose parents were Buddhists. I got right to the point. "Do you want your future children to become Christians?" "More than anything," the young woman replied. "Then let me paint you a scenario. Your husband never goes with you to church, but you take your boy every week. When that boy turns eight, he asks his dad, 'Dad, why don't you come to church with us?' and Dad answers, 'Son, I don't believe that stuff. I think that stuff is for women, mostly.'" Pausing for full effect, I asked her, "Who do you think that eight-year-old boy is going to feel pulled toward? Do you think hearing a dad he idolizes talk down faith is something that will help him grow toward God or get in the way? And then when he spends the night at Grandpa and Grandma's house, and sees their Buddhist shrine, and hears them talk about their faith, you've got a little kid who sees one parent go to a Christian church, one parent talk down faith altogether, and grandparents who practice an entirely different religion. I don't see how, if you want your future kids to become Christians 'more than anything else,' this is the kind of marriage you'd consider." In addition to wanting your kids to know the one true God, you're also going to want them to be loved by both parents. Not tolerated, not merely provided for, but engaged with, loved, cherished. Watching your spouse love on and play with your kids will move you like few other things ever will. There may come a day when you have a terrible argument with your spouse, but then, later in the day, you watch him or her do something marvelous for one of your kids, and your heart will immediately melt with affection. You're not just choosing a life partner. You're choosing your kids' future mom. You're choosing your kids' future dad. Is this person worthy of that job? Does he or she have what it takes? Excerpt 6 Begin, even while dating, to see relationships as a path toward holiness, and you'll naturally apply the same principle in marriage. Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You can get so obsessed trying to find the right person that you can mentally tear a decent but imperfect person apart. Or, afraid of what might happen, be too terrified to ever commit. I've probably contributed to some of that fear with the sobering tone of this book, but I'm going perhaps a tad too far in one direction because I see too many Christians not even considering some basic and potentially disastrous issues. If we truly understood all that marriage involves, every wedding would involve a certain amount of trepidation, if not outright fear. But here's the hope: as Christians, we don't believe that a happy marriage is the primary goal of life. Glorifying God is. In most cases, God's glory is best pursued by making a wise marital choice and building a family that will honor Him. But remember Hosea, who, for the glory of God, was instructed by God to marry a prostitute who cheated on him, conceived children with other men, and all but broke his heart. Did he have a "successful" life? Absolutely. What about John Wesley? His wife quite possibly was mentally ill. Things got so bad that when she eventually abandoned him, Wesley wrote in his journal, "I didn't ask her to leave, but I'm certainly not going to chase after her." He had a disastrous marriage but also lived a supremely significant life. John Calvin had a fantastic wife—but she died barely a decade into their marriage, and he lived alone for the rest of his days. Remember how we started this book? Seek first the kingdom of God. Not a happy marriage. Not an easy marriage. Not even a wise marriage. Those are all noble pursuits, but the first call of every Christian is to fulfill God's will for their life and to grow in righteousness. Most of us will not be called into a Hosea marriage, but some of you, even after making a careful choice, may well feel Hosea's pain of betrayal. This will hurt, but it needn't wreck or define your life if your spiritual priorities are in the proper order. The truth is, no marriage is easy. There is no guarantee that the person you marry will continue to grow in faith. She may backslide. He may get sick or break psychologically or spiritually. But you'll be okay. And you'll grow in the process. That's a good thing. So take a deep breath. God isn't going to leave you. Who you marry will affect you, but that person needn't define you. Don't lose your joy, wonder, or even happiness as you face this season in your life. Life is a journey walked hand in hand with God. We want to walk in wisdom, but God has plenty of experience helping His children work through the consequences of foolish choices (their own and others'). Embrace the soul-healing words of Christ: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Matt. 28:20).

Excerpts from The Sacred Search