Is There Such a Thing as Christian Parenting?

A Christian parent, if relying solely on scripture, might think their responsibilities are limited to disciplining their children and bringing them up in the faith.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 29:17, “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.”

In fact, the Bible is strangely quiet on what most of us would consider to be good parenting, saying nothing direct about affection, affirmation, unconditional acceptance, or the importance of physical touch in a child’s life. Modern parenting is all about seeking to give the child the best chance to discover who they are and what they want to do/be, but in Biblical times, children were often seen as commodities.

In Psalm 127:3-5, for example, children are celebrated as a resource for battle rather than as individuals worthy of love:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth.

Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;

They shall not be ashamed,

But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

The truth is, the Bible says far more about a child’s responsibilities to their parents than the other way around.

Colossians 3:20: Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Exodus 20:12, “Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

Proverbs 1:8-9, “Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.”

Ephesians 6:1-2, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. ‘Honour your father and mother.’

Inerrancy Breeds Confusion

If the Bible is read as a flat, literal text, it is a truly terrible manual for parents. For the modern reader, some of the examples seen in the scriptures are alarming. We’ve got Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son, Jacob, who had clear favourites, and Jephthah, who killed his daughter as an offering to the Lord as an expression of gratitude for victory in battle. There are very few parent and child relationships modelled in the New Testament, and even in the case of Mary and Jesus, he was let down by a parent who considered him insane for a time.

To get any kind of healthy understanding of how to love our children today, we must do two things:

- Abandon the ludicrous, man-made doctrine of Biblical inerrancy*. It is a cage for believers, and never intended by the writers of the text.

- Value the disciplines of psychology/counselling, and their applications in parenting. Much like modern medicine, this too is a gift from the Lord. We live in privileged times, able to draw on wisdom that has only developed in comparably recent years. That wisdom supports healthy self-esteem, builds bridges between people with different communication styles, and offers comfort as well as tools for growth.

*For those wishing to dig deeper into the dangers of inerrancy and where it has led us, here are a few of my previous articles on the topic, covering the idolatrous doctrine itself, its negative impact on women in the Church, and how Jesus interpreted scripture. Spoiler alert – Jesus loved scripture but did not treat it as inerrant.

Biblical Parenting is Bound by Outmoded Gender Roles

Any instruction about parenting in the Old Testament, and to a large extent in the New, is based on outmoded expectations for sons and daughters. Sons were the inheritors of wealth and responsibility, while daughters were expected to marry young, serve their husbands, and provide children. This is no longer the expectation of male and female roles in society (thank goodness!) and so, any instructions about how to raise either a boy or a girl are unlikely to be relevant today.

We find more encouragement in the teachings of Jesus, such as the display of parental devotion in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, but despite these helpful glimpses into the heart of God about how he values children, there is little explicit instruction about parenting in the New Testament. We might extrapolate general principles of love and apply them in the family (1 Corinthians 8a, 4-8a), or dwell on the loving fatherhood of God, but even then, the lack of maternal statements makes it hard to find balance. Truly, our best resource for loving parenting is the illumination that science provides.

Parental ‘love languages’ are Irrelevant

As our children grow up, and we get to know them as individuals, it becomes important to understand how they best receive love, and to use that ‘language’ in abundance, whether that be words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, or gifts. This is part and parcel of what it means to love a child, helping them develop into secure people who know they are loved just as they are.

The ‘love languages’ of parents, on the other hand, are of little importance in comparison. The parent/child relationship is never equal, even when children reach adulthood, and as such, good parents put their own preferences aside to love their children well.

Parents who are uneasy with physical touch might say that they show their love by providing for their child, but that is a distant and remote way to communicate love. It’s entirely possible to perform acts of service from an emotional distance, and in the absence of loving words and affirming touch, a child will not be able to interpret service as love. Even an adult child has a need for parental affirmation – it is fundamental to the essence of the relationship – and if not given, their self-esteem can wither and starve. Such children learn to find affirmation in other ways, but even if those alternative routes are healthy, there will still be a sense of lack at the core of their being.

It takes far more of the heart to get face to face with your child, meet their gaze, and tell them sincerely that you love them than it does to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Children need all the hugs, whether bear hugs, soft hugs, or long hugs, and they need verbal affirmation every single day. Failing to provide in this area is putting yourself and your needs before those of your children. The younger they are, the more acute the damage, but even in the case of older children, the need remains.

Here's a short, simple article about the importance of physical touch for children, and another on the importance of verbal affirmation. Hugs, affection, and verbal affirmation lay a foundation for wellbeing in our children that they can build on throughout their lives, but parents who have not loved their children well in these ways ought to be aware that their adult children are likely still suffering as a result, and that the remedy is the same – hug them, affirm them, love the boots off them!

Damaged Parents Should Take Responsibility for Their Healing

Now, I want to slow down a second and express compassion towards parents who are uncomfortable with physical touch and struggle to give words of affirmation, because those individuals are wounded and suffering, and giving a hug or saying ‘I love you’ can make them profoundly uncomfortable. I’m talking backed into a corner, wriggling, excruciating distress.

Such discomfort can only be the result of personal damage, and I get that in the moment, a person with these difficulties feels trapped, but let’s be clear – this is not their children’s responsibility. The bottom line is that this is the parent’s issue to deal with. We can choose what we pass on to our kids, whose greatest possible inheritance is love, acceptance, and affirmation. They, in turn, will take that inheritance and pass it on to their own offspring.

A lifetime of helping vulnerable people has made me acutely aware of the damage that can be inflicted by the long-term emotional distance of a person’s parents. I plead with all such parents to face your issues head on. It might not be what your generation ‘does’, and the damage you need to address might be terrifying to confront, but this is your journey to undertake and nobody else’s. I urge you to gather your courage, ask someone you trust for support, and step out in bravery and in faith. As someone who has dealt with deep personal damage head on, I know that God will encourage and comfort you at every stage and lead you towards healing. Not only will this help you discover new personal freedom, but it will allow you to enter into authentic ‘Christian parenting’, which mirrors the deep love, devotion, and adoration of God for your children.

Note from the author: The time I spend thinking about, praying about, and writing these articles is time that can’t be spent on work. I’m okay with that, but readers who value my ‘voice’ and want to help me continue to do this can make a pledge or one-off gift through my Patreon page.