Telling the Hard Truth

If somebody hurts us, the most complete expression of mercy involves both telling hard truths and forgiveness. By telling hard truths, I don’t mean aggression or attack; we speak the truth to bring something to the light. It is the same with the Lord – to truly embrace healing, we must first know how we’re harming ourselves, and as a loving parent, he will empower us in this way. Only then can we change our behaviour and move forwards into freedom.

Healthy truth-telling has a couple of essential qualities:

1. It does not assume motive. It’s important to communicate the impact someone’s actions and behaviour have had on us, but without assuming we know the ‘why’ behind the action. In fact, believers should never assume motivation, because knowledge of motive is fundamentally tied to judgement, which is outside of our remit as human beings. 1 Corinthians 4:5,

‘Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.’

It is not for any of us to assume another person’s motivation – only the Lord knows us on that level, and exposing our hearts and the forces that drive us is God’s province alone. When final judgement comes (whatever that may look like), everything that can be exposed will be exposed, by God, in love, for the purpose of reconciliation, but until that time we are simply unable to know what happens in another person’s heart.

To use an everyday example, if my wife communicates curtly with me, I might become upset or even angry. The truth of the matter is that I can only have an emotional reaction after assuming her motivation – that she’s being mean or inconsiderate – when she could simply be stressed, or distracted, or having a really bad day. If I bear that in mind, abstaining from the assumption of motive, all negative emotion is drained from the moment. If I assume her motivation and become angry, it can sour our relationship and lead to unnecessary conflict.

Healthy truth-telling means bringing an issue to the person who has hurt us without assuming their motivation. We simply explain how their actions and behaviour has impacted us, focussing on our own emotions instead of their intentions, and then ask honest, heartfelt questions and remain open to the answers that come. In this way we can keep short accounts with each other and learn the liberty of acceptance and trust. We build on that liberty with a truer understanding of each other’s nature, and ever-strengthening bonds of affection.

2. It doesn’t flinch from painful conversations. It’s easier to sweep difficult subjects under the carpet than to deal with them, but if we don’t expose how we feel to the light, we incubate the pain instead, brewing up a batch of resentment that only becomes more poisonous over time.

I was brought up in a middle-class British family which reflected the prevailing cultural tendency to avoid conflict. I won’t go into personal details, but there came a time when unaddressed pain was so torturous I had no choice but to address things head on. The conversation I initiated was painful for all involved, but it scoured out all the rot and gave us a real chance to reconcile and heal. It is far better to keep short accounts with family than to let things build up to such an extent that dealing with them is traumatic. The courageous individual who is committed to loving both themselves and other people will choose the more difficult but far better path.

The Importance of Keeping Short Accounts

The Bible encourages us to stay in the light, keeping short accounts with each other to allow our relationships to flourish. Resentment, bitterness, and hatred are not fitting qualities for a follower of Jesus – we have given up that right. These behaviours stem from ascribing motive and entering into judgement as a result. They lead to in-groups and out-groups, factions, and envy – behaviours Paul warns us against in stark terms. Galatians 5: 19-21,

‘The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.’

According to this scripture, dissensions, factions, and envy are as ungodly as orgies and fits of rage, but I think we can be far too casual about these common manifestations of judgement. We find an injunction to keep short accounts in the teachings of Jesus. Matthew 5:23-24,

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Reconciliation is more important than any act of religious observance because the core of the Christian faith is to follow the example of Jesus, which means to walk in love – treating each other mercifully and with kindness is the ultimate expression of that love, and the true fruit of our faith.

My feeling is this: love invites us to address the spaces between us, the gaps in our understanding, the differences that keep us apart. Instead of filling those spaces with suspicion and judgement, we can pour in mercy, and that mercy starts with bringing the painful details of judgement and harm to the light. It involves bravely sharing our feelings, and in mutual vulnerability, finding the strength to forgive.

The best worship service I ever led

On New Year’s Eve 1996/97, the missionary community I was part of (approx. 350 people from over 30 different nations) was gathered for a celebration, and I had the privilege of leading the worship. The organisation was Conservative/Reformed, and Charismatics like me were very much a distrusted minority. Spiritual gifts were not permitted in any of the services, but I used to sneak words of prophecy in under the radar.

On this occasion I had clear leading from the Lord. We were to start with an old, simple song many readers will be familiar with:

God forgave my sin in Jesus’ name

I’ve been born again in Jesus’ name

And in Jesus’ name I come to you

To share his love as he taught me to

He said: ‘Freely, freely, you have received

Freely, freely give

Go in my name and because you believe

Others will know that I love.’

There are two further verses that lead back to the chorus of ‘Freely, freely…’

The Lord’s guidance was simple, so I put the words of the song on the screen and asked the congregation to do something a little different, reminding them of the Biblical exhortation to resolve any issues among ourselves before bringing our offerings to God. We all lived and worked together in an environment that was stressful and highly pressured – fallouts were plentiful. I felt the Lord’s encouragement to wipe the slate clean, make our apologies, ask for and extend forgiveness, and be reconciled to one another. To protect people’s privacy, I suggested that anyone who didn’t feel the need to do this circulate and greet others with love.

We began to sing, and for a short while nobody moved, but then one chap got the ball rolling. Others began to do the same, and before long the entire congregation was talking, embracing, and loving each other. It was utterly wonderful, and once we moved into the worship time proper, the congregation was unified, joyful, and in a great place to meet with God.

The rest of that celebration was like Heaven on Earth. I don’t remember the song list, but I do remember the atmosphere. People who I’d never seen raise their hands or show emotion in worship were wooed by the love of God. Some were crying in gratitude, others grinning from ear to ear, and almost everyone was lifting hands to Heaven – a sight that was rare as hen’s teeth in our dry, Conservative Evangelical community. The final song was an anthem of praise – Jesus shall take the highest honour, which finishes with the chorus:

All honour, and blessing, and power

Belongs to you, belongs to you

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God.

The presence of God was palpable, and as one, the community abandoned itself in Spirit-filled praise. As the worship leader, I was conscious of the joyful outpouring of the Spirit of God, but what moved me the most was the way the community embraced the blessing. I’d never seen them like that, nor known such a tangible sense of unity – we were absolutely in it together, inspired and made joyful as one. Afterwards, dozens of people told me of their experience, and all I spoke to had shared the same encounter.

One of the tremendous advantages of resolving our differences is that it fosters unity, and unity gives God room to move. Psalm 133 (NIV):

‘How good and pleasant it is

when God’s people live together in unity…

For there the Lord bestows his blessing,

even life for evermore.’

Without unity we can never truly inherit the Kingdom of God. If riven by tension and strife, we defeat ourselves, as Jesus stated in Matthew 12,25 (NIV):

‘Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.’

Love doesn’t sweep strife under the carpet. It shines a light. It exposes and brings healing through reconciliation. So let’s embrace that difficult conversation, apologise for our part in any upset, explain how it affected us, enquire about the other’s intentions, extend forgiveness always and to all, and give God room to heal, to bind us together in unity, and to pour out his blessings. In this way we bring the Kingdom of God into manifestation, here and now. Matthew 6:10,

Thy Kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On Earth as it is in Heaven.