Happy New Year, Jesus! (Circumcision & Blood Sucking Mohels)

Happy New Year, Jesus! (Circumcision & Blood Sucking Mohels) January 1, 2017
“And on his eighth day, when the baby’s genitals were mutilated, he was named Jesus!” – Luke 2:21
Detail from The Circumcision of Christ by Friedrich Herlin.
Friedrich Herlin.

If the basic mutilation of an infant’s sex organs is not creepy enough for you, please take a moment to consider the Jewish custom of “metzitzah b’peh,” better known to modern audiences as “oral suction,” when, after severing an infant’s foreskin with a scalpel, a mohel literally cleans the freshly mutilated penis by using his own mouth to suck the blood away, because… God’s covenant with Abraham? Visions and prophecy? Or – just wicked insanity, ordained, normalized, and demanding respect under the guise of religious liberty?

from Guido Reni
Guido Reni

Go ahead, visualize it… An inconsolable innocent baby wailing in confused agony after being mutilated by a sixty-year-old white-bearded live-spotted mohel whose dry lips now run crimson and moist as they wrap around the infant’s penis, pumping more blood with the beat of his pulse. All as family and the congregation are gathered to celebrate in witness of Baby’s First Bloody Blowjob… Too far? Don’t blame me, folks – it is what it is. This is what religion does – the sanctioning, normalizing, and glorifying of the most hideous child abuse imaginable in the name of god(s), before labeling anyone who would dare question such “religious freedoms” as “intolerant.”

 Though rarely adopted in modern times, the practice of “oral suction” is still being performed among some  orthodox Jewish sects, recently causing the New York Department of Health to “encroach on religious liberties” after the practice led to at least 17 cases of infant contracting herpes from their blood-sucking mohels, resulting in multiple deaths and cases of brain damage. 
Stranger: “Awww… your son is so sweet. How old is he? My cousin has Down Syndrome, too.”
Mom: “Thanks! He just turned 19, but he doesn’t actually have Down Syndrome – that’s a common mistake. He actually just has totally ordinary brain damage from contracting herpes when our rabbi sliced his tiny penis open when he was a baby and sucked him dry.”
Stranger: “Oh, thank God! Down Syndrome is so sad.”
Mom: “I know, right? We are so lucky – God is great!”

Yes, I would also discuss female genital mutilation, but today, January 1 is Jesus’ big day – celebrated in churches and synagogues around the world as the Feast of Circumcision (be sure to tip your waiters). Don’t even get me started on the many ownership claims of the Holy Prepuce.

I guess this only leaves one question: which lucky rabbi had the immense honor pleasure to suck Lord’s freshly cut penis?  (Again, don’t blame me – it is what it is…)
– Horus Gilgamesh

BONUS RIDDLE: If Jesus later negates the need for circumcision under his “new” covenant, and Jesus is God, why did He allow Himself to be circumcised in the first place? Heck, for that matter, why did He make circumcision *the* rule of His “original” covenant with Abraham to begin with? Poor planning, J-man, poor planning, indeed.

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