I Love You Because I Love Me

Lover
As I sit here alone with my thoughts
I realized something
About me,
About you,
About us
It just dawned on me that
I could never have readied my arms to accept you if I didn’t first embrace myself

You know my story
Queer flower child resisting and pushing against the stifling sludge of religiosity that was spread over the divine ground I was planted in.

It took me 30 years to break through dogmatic concrete softened by the river of angst-filled tears that flows when one knows they’re not living into their fullest self

I remember coughing up the salt water streaming into my mouth from my eyes because I was raised to think the capacity I had for love was wrong
That finding beauty in people for who they were – regardless of how their identities were configured – was a curse

I don’t quite remember what shifted in me that staunched the flow of shame others gave to me
Or what made me bust up the levies that held back the rainbow-hued divergence that I now celebrate and delight in
But at some point I began to
see,
acknowledge,
learn,
hold,
and understand
the beautiful markings of queerness etched into me by God themself

And in the solitude of this moment
I realized that I am only able to care for you as I do
because at some point I began to accept, love, and take joy in myself