Sons and Mothers

The unseen presence at the British Royal Wedding this past week was the mother whose untimely death and whose colorful persona shaped the choices and character of her son, William, second in line to the throne. As if there were not merely a  physical resemblance in her son, Diana was represented there, tacitly, by selections of jewelry, designers, location and even the  hymn sung. Her mothering left an indelible imprint on her son and on those around him .

Next Sunday in the United States, there will be a recognition and celebration of mothers, called Mothers’ Day. Many churches honor the mothers in the congregation, a practice to which I object because it so unfairly glorifies married women with children, with no other occasion for recognizing women who have other callings in life. I also feel that often it is salt in the wound of those who long for children and do not have them.  As a mother and grandmother myself, I do not need either a commercial holiday nor a liturgical nod to be grateful for that part of my calling in ministry. However, the invitation to stop and reflect on being a mother is a welcome one.

Presently the book market is awash with memoir and advice books on being a mother, each one adding another layer of pressure to mothers, mostly first-time and young mothers, to take specific approaches to discipline, breast-feeding, or play, or to work or not work. Many of them create a spirit of judgement and anxiety for the newly minted mom trying to find her way. It’s not as if all the “old ways” are sure-fire resources either. When I began the process of parenting, I didn’t have the awareness of the ecological concerns that the use of various products have on children and the environment. I did not have to set standards for the use of computers and electronic games. The world keeps changing, and the options keep growing. What is a mother to do?

The prophet Hosea draws a lovely picture of the mothering face of God in Chapter 11, where the Divine One expresses the heart of mothering in a metaphor for God’s relationship with Israel. In some deft strokes, the soliloquy begins with loving that child, calling that child. Then comes the experiences of teaching, protecting, healing, setting boundaries, delighting, the push-me pull-you of a mother and child as she seeks to nurture and he seeks to become independent. Yet ultimately God does not give up: “How can I give you up, Ephraim?/How can I hand you over, O Israel?…I will not execute my fierce anger, I will not again destroy Ephraim, for I am God and no mortal, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath.” (8-9). God mothers without fail, no matter how egregious the wandering or seeming rejection; God remains faithful.

That is the Word of wisdom, hope and challenge to me as a mother; the standard is the unfailing Love of the Mystery we call God. No matter what, I am to remain faithful in love. And it is not as easy as it sounds. Some of our children we get immediately; it is if they and we know each other intuitively; we mirror each other. Others arrive with their own little idiosyncratic take on life that takes us by surprise and leaves us off balance. Some have great challenges, some have wildly independent streaks, some break our hearts often, but the mandate is the same: unfailing faithful love. Even at this point in my career of parenting, I need to keep that high bar before me.

On the day before the royal wedding, my own first-born son turned 40.  Even though I anticipated it, it was still a shock, but a  delightful one. He is man with a family of his own. He revels in the life he has created for himself; he has refused to let the choices of the past keep him from present day joy. He is a thoughtful husband and exuberant and present father. It is hard for me as a mother to know what part I had in shaping him, even as I am sure Diana did not know all the ways she was shaping William. But she loved him faithfully. And I have always and with practice loved my own son, fueled by the reality that the Mystery keeps loving me and will never let me go. It makes me glad!