Teaching to Die to Self… Or Grooming for Cult Sacrifice?

Adults also are often harmed by confused messages given about spousal abuse and divorce. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have heard Catholics say that divorced people are not allowed to receive Communion, without any qualification of being remarried or otherwise in another sexual relationship. This is not just sloppy speech—I have encountered people hundreds of times who thought themselves excluded simply by virtue of divorce, or whose parents or grandparents thought that. How many millions of people around the world are missing out on the healing power of the sacraments because of this misunderstanding?

And then there are the ubiquitous recommendations to “pray to St. Monica” or “pray to St. Rita” about marital problems, even abuse, rather than separating or even getting professional help. And let’s be clear: talking with your parish priest is not getting professional help for your marriage, especially not if done unilaterally in the confessional. How many Catholic marriages get washed up on the shoals of misery because they do nothing but “stay and pray,” rather than identifying relationship problems, communicating their needs to their spouse, or forcing a shirking spouse to choose between separation or putting effort into the marriage? Certain hagiographies even praise women as “holy” for staying with husbands who physically beat them. None of these things are consistent with present day canon law about marriage, but they nevertheless persist quite a bit in Catholic culture.

Speaking of going to the confessional for relationship advice: this is another Catholic habit that can groom for abuse. Catholics are often taught not to trust their own conscientious assessment of actions and situations, to blame themselves for assault when they chose a “near occasion of sin,” and to submit unquestioningly to spiritual direction from priests. Even where physical abuse is not present, this presents a great deal of opportunity for spiritual abuse. Even the best-intentioned priests are generally not properly trained to give relationship advice, yet often do so in Confession, and the advice can be quite counter-productive. And then there are also the horror stories of priests actually committing sexual abuse in the privacy of the confessional.

All of these factors I have named that make faithful Catholics more vulnerable to abuse are related to “traditional” teachings of the Catholic Church. They can all be countered with more nuanced instruction about sexual morality and human interpersonal dynamics. They can be overcome by focusing on the teachings of recent Popes such as St. John Paul II and Francis over older teachings, such as those of Saints Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, when it comes to these matters. Survivors of abusive situations or even just people in unhealthy relationships can benefit from seeking professional counseling, rather than relying solely on priests to provide advice or expecting Confession to do the hard work of healing.

Those who value tradition highly, and who worry that these recommendations undermine capital-T Tradition, will likely balk at these recommendations. But if you value tradition more than human life and dignity, then your resistance to such change is sacrificing human bodies and souls to the idolatrous cult of tradition. To you Jesus says: “Go and learn the meaning of the words, I desire mercy, not sacrifice.” (Mt 9:13a) And further: “It would be better for you if a millstone were hung around your neck and you were thrown into the sea than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble.” (Lk 17:2)

The rest of us need to take responsibility for making sure our children and Catholic communities are being instructed with honesty, mercy, and willingness to incorporate “non-religious” wisdom that will reduce the likelihood of abuse. If our children’s sex education is inadequate, we need to make every effort to supplement it. We need to provide moral support for our friends, family members, and neighbors who are harmed by false teachings. We may need to vote with our feet and pocketbooks at times, if we find our parish priests spend more time shaming teenagers for true youthful indiscretions than they spend teaching adults not to engage in slander, wrath, greed, and abusive language, and to exhibit kindness, compassion, and mercy instead. We can overcome the culture of abuse in the Catholic Church, but not if we accept the status quo.