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A Witch’s Guide to IKEA Furniture Assembly

A Witch’s Guide to IKEA Furniture Assembly August 24, 2015

Let there be reverence and mirth, says the Charge of the Goddess. Sadly, assembling IKEA furniture is an enterprise that affords me neither. Recently I had the misfortune of having to put together my community’s new tea shelf, all by myself. This time, I thought, I would use the tools of the Craft to create a helpful guide utilizing grounding, magical tools, spells, invocations, and for better or worse, familiars.

  1. Ground. Always begin by grounding. ESPECIALLY when assembling IKEA furniture. Notice your feet planted  solidly on the ground. As solidly as the solidity of your soon-to-be-assembled furniture.

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  2. Breathe. In and out. In and Out. On your third exhale, remember that you are a powerful Witch. You have powerful allies: magic, the gods, and your IKEA instructions.
  3. Use your athame to cut open the package. Each cut is a spell that slices through your crippling fear of failure.
  4. Spread out your altar cloth. Take screws and lay them out on the altar cloth with the same careful attention you use for arranging your altar.
    Notice the abundance and diversity laid out before you.

    Panic over abundance and diversity laid out before you.
  5. Go back to steps 1 and 2, then return to step 6.
  6. Thank the gods for sending you allies in the form of feline familiars.
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  7. Retrieve the first missing screw from your familiar’s jaw. Remain calm as you watch your other familiar bat two screws underneath the cupboard.
  8. DO NOT CAST HEXES! Simply retrieve screws from under cupboard. Return to altar cloth. Notice remaining screws scattered across the room.
  9. DO NOT CAST HEXES! Simply retrieve your Book of Shadows and open it to your favorite finding spell.
  10. Cast finding spell and retrieve all screws.
  11. Next, retrieve IKEA manual and study the pictures carefully for unintentional trance induction. Know that each hieroglyphic image takes you closer, closer to your sacred furniture.
  12. Use the sound of scattering screws to end trance journey.
  13. DO NOT CAST HEXES! Use finding spell to retrieve screws.

    Invoke architectural deity of your choice!
    Invoke architectural deity of your choice!

  14. Cycle through steps 11-14 three times to make it a spell, then continue to step 15.
  15. Use your favorite banishing ritual on familiars.
  16. Screw part A into part B and compare to IKEA instructions
  17. Unscrew part A from part B
  18. Screw part A into part B the other way and compare to IKEA instructions
  19. Repeat steps 17-18 three times to make it a spell
  20. Notice the invocation icon in IKEA instructions. Invoke architecture deity of your choice.
  21. Use finding spell to search for missing screws.
  22. Retrieve missing screw from familiar’s jawIMG_20150813_094253905
  23. Repeat banishing ritual on familiar followed by firmly closing the door to your room. Very firmly.
  24. Repeat steps 1-2, step 14, 16-18, and 21-23 as needed.
  25. Remember that time is an illusion.
  26. Repeat steps 1-25 three times to make it a spell.
  27. When finished, dedicate assembled IKEA furniture by sacrificing petting familiar on bottom shelf prior to collapse.

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