I raise my hand to knock on the door, then drop it again. This is exactly what my parents warned me against, where they worried I might end up some day. Knocking on the door of a stranger. At a dingy hotel. A man I just met.
No one even knows I am here. I didn’t tell anyone. Maybe this really is a stupid idea. But the dreams last night were so powerful. I look around, then raise my hand again. The dreams…
I met him while traveling. I wasn’t looking for a connection, but here he was. And then I dreamed of him last night. The dreams were vivid, and strong. They spoke of magic, deep magic, reckless abandon, and surrender. I’ve never surrendered in real life the way I did in those dreams. In those encounters, we merged our bodies, souls, and spirits. And there was something else there, or someone else.
It’s all crazy, of course. I just met the guy. I won’t be dating him and I may never see him again. But those dreams…
The dreams suggested I’d find something I’ve been looking for. An encounter like no other. There were spirits in those dreams, gods maybe. I was able to let go and connect all of my senses. It reminded me of a book I read years ago, Brida, by Paulo Coelho, a book that made me think I could be a Witch someday. In the story the protagonist Brida connects sex and spirit, uniting all of her senses, becoming present to all that is.
She remained in that state for as long as possible, while some part of her was vaguely conscious that she was doing things she had never done before. What she was feeling, though, was the bringing together once more of herself and the meaning of life; it was a return to the garden of Eden, it was the moment when Eve was reabsorbed into Adam’s body and the halves became Creation. (Brida, p. 131)
It was this I dreamed of. A coming together like I’d never known before. Last night’s dreams were powerful. I am almost certain that I dreamed true. They spoke of what could be mine, today, if I was willing.
I knock on the door. He opens. His smile tells me he’s glad I came, that he thought I would, but hadn’t been sure. We sit on his bed and chat. Small talk. I can’t focus on the conversation, I’m too anxious. He says something about cell phone apps or hardware or-
Yeah well, technology, bla bla, but that’s not what I came here for! I blurt out, interrupting him.
He’s taken aback, for a moment, then he throws back his head and roars with laughter. What are you here for, then? He asks.
What do I say? Sex doesn’t cut it. It’s more than that. The dreams… Some sweet lovin’ I say and it sounds stupid to my ears. Foolish. That’s not how I normally talk. I’m not usually this nervous.
Well, in that case, we’re overdressed, don’t you think? He chuckles.
I sigh and slip out of my pants. He steps closer and I cup his face in my hands. I am here. I am present. I will not hold back. We talk about a safeword, just in case, and I trust him. I will fall in love with him. I always fall in love. I can’t help it, and I know my habit of holding back so I won’t scare him. I tell him about this. I tell him that I want to be present, to fall in love, deeply, wildly, just for today, and then let him go, no strings attached. He understands. He says he is willing to go there today, to go all the way, to be present with his whole being, as I will be with mine.
If you’re going to have sex, you might as well do so with your whole being. Otherwise, what’s the point? he says.
I see no fear in his eyes. I am free to lose myself in this union, completely, and then find myself again. This is what I’ve always wanted. This is what I’ve always feared. This is what the dreams foretold. I open all of my senses. I see, I smell, I hear, I feel, I sense my body and I sense his, my being and his, this bed, this room, this world. Everything. I am quivering.
My lips find his. A hand rests upon my leg, another caressed the back of my neck. Electric currents run through my body, muscles contract. He explores my body, ever so slowly, as I explore his. My breath quickens, my blood warms. Skin upon skin. Lip upon lip. Sigh matching sigh, echoing moans. On and on, inch by inch, moment by moment. Minutes slow down and rush by and still our bodies celebrate.
I want him. I slow the movement of my body and look into his eyes. I pull his face close and tell him how much I want him.
Not yet, he whispers, not yet. I nod, disappointed, relieved, horny, and the dance continues.
Time loses meaning and a part of me wonders if I’ve always done this, if I always will, if our bodies will ever tire. And then his body shifts and he reaches across the bed, to a bag of condoms. A smile crosses my face. I’ve grown so used to responsible lovers, I forgot there might be a need to have that conversation. But I read him right. There never was.
The short break gives me a moment to think. I still can’t believe this is happening, but I feel no fear. This feels like a miracle. Like perfect love and perfect trust. I want to laugh out loud, of sheer delight and presence and aliveness. Then he’s back and we stare into each others’ eyes. I’m ready and our bodies are so eager.
I pull him towards me and he pushes into me. I tremble under his weight and ride the first wave of ecstasy. And then everything changes.
He opens his mouth and raises his head. I hear him calling the Horned God, I hear him invoking Pan. I hear the words. But as soon as they are spoken, they’re erased from memory.
Instantly images come and sounds, rushing at me all at once. A stag, a crown of leaves, a horned face, musty scents, matted fur, the sound of a flute, hoofs falling on moist ground, wind rustling the leaves of a sacred grove, a lively flute, trampling hoofs, wind and sun and flowers and trees and moss…
The sensations chase each other and I cannot name them. They just are, all at once, and I am with them. I gasp and as my mouth falls open, a single drop of sweat falls from his brow and lands on my tongue. I taste salty, musty lust, rutting passion, and tilt my head back in shock.
When our eyes meet, I no longer see the man who welcomed me into this room. His eyes don’t look like his eyes anymore. They shine with a light I’ve never seen, the light of forests, horns and crowns and stags, the light of the hunter.
The hunter, looking at his prey. I am the prey.
I am going to die. The thought comes unbidden. I am going to die.
My safeword is useless. I can no longer reach him.
I feel a surge of panic. I am his and he has taken me. I am undone.
Beads of sweat form on my face and I tremble. I want to shout that I’m not ready to die, my time hasn’t come. I gasp. Silence.
Hooves hover over my head, beating the air, close enough to crush me. I’m a deer, taken down in the hunt. My body to feed the life of another. My soul preparing for the final embrace of the Mother. The sounds of a flute. Musky fur. Lust. Leaves. Mud. Desire. Trees. Music. Dance. Death. The images race and flicker. I must fight and live. My limbs are shaking. My heart thumping against my ribs. Each breath sounds ragged. I wonder if it is my last. Terror and endless beauty. I don’t know how long it lasts. Seconds or eternity. Darkness closes in around me. I’ve never tasted fear like this before.
I must surrender. I cannot fight this. If I must die, I will. I love him. I don’t know who he is, but I love Him. I’m not ready, but I will go. I’m filled with orgasmic ecstasy and terror. Death is not so bad and this is a good way to die. I don’t want to die, but I will. I surrender. There is peace in surrender. Surrender to Him. Ecstasy in peace. Rapture in Oneness. Moments pass unnoticed. Euphoria. I’ve never tasted joy like this before.
Then there are words. His lips are moving and he bends his face toward me. Closer. Rapture. Surrender. I hear the words. They pass through me. Thou art Goddess, he says.
I am Goddess.
I do not comprehend, but now I know what I must do. I surrender a second time. Not to the darkness of death, but to the light of life. Life at its fullest. Life everlasting. Life in this moment. I am Goddess. She is coming, She is here. I am She. I welcome Her. I let her in. I have no names, but I know Her. Heat. Fire. Light. Brightness. Rushing water. Sizzling flame. The light floods me, warms me. I shake. I tremble; no longer with fear, but with power. Power I’ve never felt, yet always known. The power of Creation. The power of Life. The power of this moment. Power greater and more terrible than death. I am Goddess. He is God.
We ride together, torrents of power. Seconds, minutes, hours, eternity. Waves of ecstasy. Time is an illusion. There is only this. Right now. Forever.
And then we peak. Together. Light and dance and power and endless joy. My cheeks burn. My body is dripping. Slowly I realize that She has gone. I am myself again. Just me. Glorious, euphoric, and beautiful me. I see the light in his eyes. They are his eyes again. The man’s.
We look at each other. I want to speak. I need to say something. I need words. What happened? I want to tell you that I love you, I say. I mean both, the man and He who rode him. Love isn’t the right word. It’s too weak and too broad.
I call it devotion, he says. Adoration. That sounds right. But love is a part of it, too, in my book. Worship, I think. We just worshipped. He rolls his body to the side and rests his head on the pillow. I flip over and lay my trembling cheek upon his heaving chest. We breathe together, fast, deep breaths, calming our panting bodies. What was it like for him? Does he even know what happened to me?
The Great Rite! he says. But that doesn’t capture all of it. There was that moment when He came…
I had sex with a god, I realize. I should talk to him about it. I can’t. Not yet.
I don’t know what to say. I look at the man lying next to me. He has his life and I have mine. Soon we will part ways. This was always ever just for today. But what happened today… It’ll change me. I don’t know how, but it’ll change me. I laugh out loud.
He looks at me and smiles. Are you happy? He asks, unnecessarily. Yes. I say. Yes I am. Thank you so much, I say as I look into his eyes. Thank you!