Aspecting and Tentacles of Fundamentalism

Aspecting – a magical practice in which a priestess or priest channels the presence of a deity or quality. “Aspecting,” says Reclaiming teacher Sage, “is a technique which allows participants to experience the presence of a quality, being or deity in an embodied, physically manifest way.” – Reclaiming Quarterly

Recently I was in a class in which we were going to practice aspecting. But the closer we came to starting our aspecting practice, the more uncomfortable I grew. Eventually I raised my hand and said I would be happy to tend others and support the practice, but that I myself did not want to aspect.

Why did I opt out? In Gods and Radicals Nikki Whiting wrote an excellent article in which she mentions giving ourselves a “menstrual holiday”.  I didn’t feel like sharing by crampy body with any other energy, entity, or deity. And I also knew that aspecting would take much more energy than I was willing to expend on my menstrual holiday. Just the thought of it was thoroughly exhausting.

After the class I compared notes with a friend who also chose to opt out. Both of us grew up evangelical Christian. Both of us rebelled against our families by becoming more radical and fundamentalist than our upbringing. We had been taught that any entity or deity other than Jesus was demonic. That, however, was not the reason we opted out. It was the sheer expense of energy that deterred us.

We agreed that we both spent most of our lives aspecting.  “What Would Jesus Do?” wasn’t just an intellectual question. “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30, KJV) When we invited Jesus into our lives, we were always on. We actively tried to undo any boundaries between us and our deity. We were his, available for him to use us in any which way he wanted. Anytime. If we retained any say in the matter, it was counted against us. Our goal was to become thoroughly dependent, possessed by Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the triune God, if you will.

But aspecting is not full possession. Unlike fundamentalist Christians, when we aspect as Pagans, we don’t invite an entity to take over. We set and maintain boundaries. I get that. Intellectually.

John Beckett recently wrote in his excellent piece Eight Years of Useless Religion:

The tentacles of fundamentalism were still in me. Ignoring them and intellectually denying them hadn’t made them go away. Deep down I was still afraid the fundamentalists were right and I was wrong, and if so I was headed straight to hell. This is why I said “you might have to go back and work through some unresolved issues with the theism of your childhood.”

My own worldview has changed dramatically, but becoming a Pagan is more than an intellectual conversion. Unlike in evangelical Christianity, we place little emphasis on intellectual assent to certain beliefs. We seek to embody a different way of life and open to new experiences. That takes active unlearning, not just in the mind, but also in the body.

When faced with aspecting, I can feel the temptation to switch to autopilot. I can feel every cell of my body wanting to submit to whichever entity we’re inviting. I know how to lose myself, to give up my own energy, and turn over control. If I want to set and maintain boundaries with deity, I first need to unlearn the conditioning that resides deep within my body.

In the year after my divorce I had to face the realization that I had spent a decade in an abusive, codependent relationship. I knew I never, ever wanted to go there again. For a while I considered becoming a nun. I made a commitment to myself to abstain from dating or being involved in any kind of relationship for at least one year. After that year I’d decide if I’d become a nun or maybe open up to the possibility of marriage again.

Turning down opportunities for intimacy and relationships during that year was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I wanted to desperately not to be alone. And yet I am glad I stuck it out. At the end of the year I discovered a third option. Rather than committing to celibacy or another monogamous relationship, I discovered ethical non-monogamy and eventually became tribalamorous. It’s a lifestyle that feels like it was made for me, and I never went back to codependency and abuse.

Aspecting feels a lot like learning how to date now that I’m divorced from fundamentalist Jesus. The last thing I want is to end up in another abusive relationship with deity. I’d love to believe that I can simply change my theology and jump right in, but setting healthy boundaries takes tremendous energy, focus, and shadow work. So I honor my “no” and I honor my “yes” and I continue the work of facing and untangling myself from one tentacle of fundamentalism after another.