“What’s wrong with you?” I wanted to say–but that was the wrong question.
Like me, you’ve wanted to ask the same question, when someone acts badly, mistreats you, or bullies another person. You may have even said this in a moment of
frustration, wondering how a person could be so foolish, rude, or just plain evil. As soon as that little question escapes your lips, you know you’ve said the wrong thing. First, because those words cut like a knife, wounding the person more than their behavior hurt you. But also because it’s the wrong question entirely.
What Happened to You?
“What’s wrong with you?” treats the other person like a problem to be solved, a diagnosis to be made. “What happened to you?” is more to the point. It recognizes that a person’s actions may stem from abuse suffered over a lifetime or an injury with lasting effects. Trauma-Informed Care teaches that a person’s adverse childhood experiences might carry over to adulthood suffering or misbehavior. It recognizes that poor decisions may be survival mechanisms learned over years of abuse or neglect. A single devastating incident may cause lifelong PTSD, causing problems with relationships and job performance. Recurring traumatic events may cause complex PTSD, or CPTSD. People who suffer from traumatic brain injuries may behave differently in a stressful situation than you might–but that doesn’t mean something is “wrong with them.” It may mean something happened to them.
Of course, “What happened to you?” might be more of a thing that you wonder to yourself than something you vocalize. If someone is the victim of trauma, they may be triggered or retraumatized by your well-meaning query. So, while you might not ask the question, it’s a good thing to keep in mind, when dealing with another person’s difficult behavior.
Triggered by Trauma
Trauma-Informed Care goes beyond assuming that a person misbehaves because they’re having a bad day. It recognizes the impact of single events and ongoing suffering, on an individual level or in cultural, racial, and historical context. When people are behaving at their worst, or even when they’re just acting in unusual ways, they may have been triggered by some past or ongoing trauma. Jesus knew this as well. John 4:15-19 (NIV) says:
The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”
“I have no husband,” she replied.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet.”
Jesus knew that the reason this woman came to the well in the heat of midday, rather than in the cool of the morning or evening, was that she was avoiding people. She was a social outcast, not because something was wrong with her, but because something had happened to her. In pointing out her multiple marriages, Jesus wasn’t highlighting her sin–he was observing her trauma. Because of her pain, Jesus treated her even more tenderly and met her at her point of need.
Other examples of Jesus practicing Trauma-Informed Care include:
- Jesus’ prayer of forgiveness for those who crucified him.
- Jesus’ defense of a woman caught in the act of adultery.
- Jesus’ compassion on the crowd that had followed him for three days and had nothing to eat.
- Jesus’ willingness to make himself unclean by touching lepers and others with ritually stigmatizing conditions.
Core Principles
The Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center recognizes core principles that guide practitioners in a healthcare setting. These principles are great guides for all people–not just medical professionals. When dealing with hurting people, it’s best to promote a sense of safety, trustworthiness and transparency, collaboration, empowerment, humility and responsiveness, and to offer support as a peer. In short, this is easiest done when you “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
It’s a bit of an oversimplification, but not off the mark, to simply remember that the Golden Rule gives guidance for Trauma-Informed Care. If somebody inadvertently stepped on your childhood trauma, you’d like people to deal gently with you. You’d like them to be understanding, forgive you for your extreme reaction, and work with you despite the difficulties you’ve presented. So, if you’d like others to do that for you, then you should give that same consideration for others who have acted out of their own trauma.
This is what the author of Colossians 3:12-17 (NRSV) meant when he said:
As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Hurt People, Hurt People
Some of the most difficult people in my life, both personally and professionally, have been people who have been traumatized in one way or another. It’s true that “hurt people hurt people,” that folks who have been damaged often injure others. By practicing Trauma-informed care, we follow the example of Jesus, who taught us to love others as he loved us. When dealing with difficult people either personally or professionally, let’s remember people’s pain, and lead with love.
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