Love and Marriage

“In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.”  Ephesians 5:33

“Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

Although we spend much of our time on this blog talking about our children and the beautiful vocation of motherhood, all of us know that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of a healthy marriage relationship. If mom and dad are thriving in their love for one another, the children will feel safe and secure, part of a vibrant family. This all sounds simple, but can be very difficult to implement in reality, especially during times of personal or financial stress. Arguments can flare up seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly a great day can turn into a day filled with sour moods and abrupt conversation.

The folks over at Love and Respect Ministries conducted a telling survey of over 7,000 individuals, in which they asked both men and women a simple question: “When you’re in a conflict with your spouse, do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected?” 83% of men said that they felt disrespected by their wives, while 72% of women responded that they felt unloved by their husbands during the conflict (Love and Respect Ministries, Inc. 2010). Many of us have heard the theory that , while both men and women desire to be both loved and respected, women have a deep need for love and men have a deep need for respect. This survey certainly seems to give some credence to that theory! Furthermore, St. Paul already spoke these words in his letter to the Ephesians more than 2,000 years ago, in which he said that “each one of you [men] should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). This verse comes at the end of the often controversial “wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord” passage, and therefore is often overshadowed by the uneasiness that this passage stirs up in those who misunderstand it. I was so thankful when a friend pointed it out to me the other day – I’m ashamed to say that even though I have read or heard this passage a thousand times, I too have overlooked it!

So, what are some practical ways that we can practice love and respect in our marriages? After all, if we cannot practically apply an idea then it is not of much use to us. It would be great to hear from both men and women here, so that we can get a well-rounded view of how we can best communicate our love and respect to our spouses! Here are a few ideas of my own:

We can show love by:

-Overlooking small faults that are simply annoying, and not harmful in any way

-Giving our spouse the benefit of the doubt

-Listening actively, making sure to maintain eye contact and engage in the conversation

-Saying “I’m sorry” when we have done something wrong

-Giving a pat on the shoulder, a stolen wink or smile, a kiss on the way out the door

-Making sure to speak highly of my spouse in front of the children

-When something tough has happened, listening to my spouse and gently offering to help

-Lightening the mood with humor

-Showing love to our spouse even when they are not particularly lovable

We can show respect by:

-Thinking twice before we speak to our spouse: “Is what I am about to say respectful? How will it be perceived?”

-Being willing to have a tough conversation without hurling insults or rolling our eyes

-Backing our spouse in front of the children

-Asking our spouse’s opinion on how to handle family matters, and letting them know that we will honor their input

-Acknowledging all of the sacrifices that our spouse makes for our family every day

-Showing respect for our spouse even when their actions do not really merit respect