That’s right. Mitt Romney, America’s most famous representative of the Church of Latter Day Saints no longer belongs to the Mormon faith. His associations with the church were invalidated when a moment ago I took it upon myself to unbaptize him. So, spread the word far and wide, fellow atheists, Mitt Romney is now one of us. He is a man without a faith—regardless of whatever appearances he is going to try to keep in the future.
Now, I know some people may say, “It is not only immoral but impossible to take away someone’s conscientious beliefs like that!”
That’s what I thought too. Until a couple weeks ago when I read that Mitt Romney decided that the conscience of his staunchly anti-religious atheist father-in-law was a mere irrelevance and posthumously subjected him to a forced baptism. Luckily for Team Atheist, Bill Maher subsequently unbaptized him last weekend (see the video below), so he’s back with us now.And I decided to take it a step further and unbaptized Romney himself. So, from now on atheists, speak only according to the truth. Correct everyone who tells you that Mitt Romney is a Mormon that they are behind the times. And if Mitt Romney objects—well, why should that matter?
Now some might object should not be faulted for disrespecting his father-in-law’s conscience because he had only the noblest intentions, even if they were misguided. He was urgently trying to save his father-in-law’s soul and get him into heaven. But in fact, I did this for Mitt’s own good, too. I am trying to help him get elected to the presidency by taking away his unfortunate, misguided beliefs that alienate him from so much of the public that so rightly judges their political candidates by what faith they have. This can only mean his chances of winning the Presidency can go up. You’re Welcome, Governor.
UPDATE: Sorry, I just learned that atheists are even more mistrusted than Mormons as presidential candidates. I’m so sorry, Governor, but what’s done is done!