Ex-Christian Neil Carter has written what I think is an instant classic, all about his decision to “break up with Jesus” because the dude just wasn’t answering his calls and e-mails. He goes over the various explanations friends would give for Jesus’s silence:
- Some said he heard my messages but didn’t answer because what I wanted wasn’t the same as what he wanted, and he only answers calls he already agrees with. Huh. Okay.
- Some told me he might not have liked my tone of voice. Maybe I wasn’t asking for him to call me in the right way? I dunno.
- One guy said that Jesus would only answer me as long as I had no doubts that he would answer; but if I doubted, then he wouldn’t. That sounded kind of sketchy.
- Some said it was because he wasn’t ready to answer me—the timing wasn’t right somehow. I wonder how many years you’re supposed to wait before you can conclude the other person has moved on?
- Others said sometimes he doesn’t answer just because he wants to see how long people will go without an answer before they give up. That sounds kind of…schmucky…if you ask me.
- Finally, one guy informed me I shouldn’t expect an answer at all. Like, maybe it was wrong for me to want for him to actually communicate with me. Or if he did communicate with me, it would be telepathically through other people who wouldn’t necessarily even know they were communicating on his behalf. I just don’t even know what to say to that.
I told them that the more I thought about it, the more I wasn’t sure Jesus had evertaken my calls and do you know what they said to that? They told me in reality he always took my calls but made sure to do it in such a way that there would be no way to tell he took them. He answered, they said, but in a way that looked exactly like not answering. That’s…huh. Okay. That’s just weird. Sounds a bit bootleg, really.
Even the way they got their explanations seemed suspicious to me. See, he never returned their calls, either.
He follows out the whole metaphor brilliantly to its conclusion. Check out the rest and share it around.