Sometimes, you need to dare in prayer. God doesn’t mind. In fact, He delights when we ask big real things of Him, because it offers Him the permission He requires of our free will to act in a way bigger than we can even rationally or reasonably expect or dare to request. My mantra for a very long time has been, “I can be unreasonable with God because God is the only one who is happy to be unreasonable with me.” Others may put up with me being absurd, God laughs at my absurdity, the way we laugh when toddlers express the impossible with full joy, and then try to give it to them. (For example, my daughter at three wanted a red cake). We made her a strawberry cake with fondant and pink buttercream. True to three year old fashion, she glowed at the sight of her heart’s desire. “It’s better than I wanted.” God does that with us too.
So I’ve been preparing for this surgery, and I grew weary and tired and told God so. I told Him I couldn’t decide which surgery team to choose and needed direct guidance. “I need a sign.” That day, the readings happened to say, “Ask the Lord your God for a sign,” and I remember that Ahaz said he would not. I decided I would. “I need it big, obvious, club me over the head big so I can’t miss it.” and had my ugly cry about all of it before the blessed sacrament. Honestly, I went about the ordinariness of work, errands, doctor appointments, and I kept trying to sift through which team and why, they seemed pretty equal. I liked some things about one, and some things about the other.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with the Anesthesiologist for one of the teams. He’d studied with the surgeon who saved my life back in 1988. He’d also worked at the hospital where I received my last tracheostomy, and now worked at the hospital with one of the teams I’d considered. What are the odds? They aren’t things you could calculate…if you wrote it in a story, it would feel too perfect, too simple, too convenient. –As I’m fond of telling my students and my children, in any story you write, you get one coincidence. But for God, everything is providence, (ordered to give God’s grace), and sometimes when we ask, God lets us peek in at the bigger plan to see the grace in action. God gave me a red cake…and I felt comforted. With God, we get providence 24-7…whether we’re watching or not.
Thursday is the day, July 15th. It’s the feast of Saint Bonaventure, Doctor of the Church –I’m still working on that book. So it’s good to have a Doctor looking over things. I asked for a clubing over the head sign, and I have one in the physician that’s going to knock me out.
There are no accidents.
Now….where’s my red cake?