Lenpturim: How to Observe both Lent and Purim

Guest columnist: Nik Robbins… to read his amazing blog and laugh (or learn) some more, visit https://niknotes2020.wordpress.com/

Christianity is a religion of creeds. Judaism is a religion of deeds. This is an old saying. It basically means, Christians believe things. Jews do stuff. So if you, like me, have both Christian and Jewish elements in your family background, it’s not hard to be both Christian and Jewish. You just halfheartedly believe Christian things and halfheartedly do Jewish stuff. Then you’re both a typical Christian and a typical Jew.

Well, you also ignore the fact that some of your ancestors believed some of your other ancestors, and by extension you, killed their Lord. And centuries of persecution. And the embarrassment when your Christian friends wonder why you’re wearing a yarmulke or your Jewish friends wonder why you’re wearing a cross. See? Easy.

But there is one problem: sometimes Christians do stuff too. Or rather, Christians like to make a point of not doing certain things, particularly, if you’re part of a liturgical tradition (Catholic, Lutheran, Episcopopalian, Methodontist, Presbyturtle, ect.), during Lent. Trouble is, the Jewish holiday Purim always occurs during Lent. Oy vey.

How can you observe the Lenten tradition of giving stuff up and still do the Jewish stuff involved in celebrating Purim? Well fear not. I have some helpful suggestions. But first, for the benefit of those heathen infidels who don’t know, let’s talk about what Lent and Purim are.

Lent is the 46 days before Easter. It is traditional to fast during Lent, in commemoration of Jesus’s 40 day fast in the wilderness (Lent is 40 days not counting Sundays). Being the lazy folks most of us in modern times are though, current practice typically consists of giving up only one thing during Lent. This is Easy Mode Lent. Sure, you’ll probably win, but will it really feel satisfying?

Some people give up a thing they don’t really like anyway. This is a cheat code. God does not approve of cheat codes. If you do this, you will be disqualified and lose Lent. Don’t do it.

Some traditional things you can give up for Lent include: alcohol, meat, dairy and eggs, sweets, and junk food in general. The more things you give up, the more points you get.

As a Lent champion, I like to play Lent in Hardcore Mode. I see it as a time to break all addictions. Caffeine and alcohol are addictive, but so are sugar, other simple carbohydrates, fat, and salt. So in addition to giving up caffeine and alcohol, I also try to eat vegan, give up added sugar and refined (white) grains, and watch and limit my fat and salt consumption during Lent. And then on Easter Sunday, I’ve won Lent (and hopefully learned some good habits that will carry over into the rest of the year).

But now back to the problem: Purim. What is Purim? It’s a celebration of the events of the biblical Book of Esther. So let’s start there.

A king of Persia named Ahasuerus summoned his wife Vashti to come and strip for his friends at a party he was throwing so they could oggle her. Vashti, being the most sensible character in the whole story, refused. Ahasuerus was a bumbling fool so he didn’t know what to do. His advisors told him he had to dismiss Vashti and find a new queen or else all wives throughout the empire wouldn’t always obey their husbands. That’s a bad thing? Anyway, Ahasuerus listened to this advice and dismissed Vashti.

We never hear anything more about Vashti in the book after this. Rabbinic tradition says she was executed. But I don’t like this retcon. I think we need a spinoff sequel to the Book of Esther called Vashti’s Revenge.

But anyway, on with the story. Ahasuerus, at the advice of his lecherous advisers (no wonder Vashti refused) has “young virgins” brought to the capital for a beauty contest to choose a new queen. It’s basically a Miss Teen Persia pageant. It’s implied in the text that Ahasuerus sleeps with each contestant. But that can’t be right. That would be like a president of the United States who’d had inappropriate sexual contact with teenage contestants in his beauty pageant. Absurd, right…?

Esther wins the pageant and is chosen to be the new queen. Her parents died at some point in the past, so she’s being raised by her older cousin Mordecai. They’re both Jewish, by the way. Mordecai tells Esther not to let Ahasuerus know she’s Jewish. Why, I don’t know. Ahasuerus is such a buffoon he doesn’t seem to know there is such a thing as Jewish.

Ahasuerus has a vizier named Haman. Mordecai runs into Haman and refuses to bow. But again, I don’t know why. You may have heard it was because Jews are not allowed to bow. This isn’t the case. There is no rule against a respectful bow. So maybe we’ve had it backwards all these centuries? Maybe Mordecai was just a jerk?

Further evidence that Mordecai has been overrated: he had overheard a plot by two of the king’s eunuchs, Bigthan and Teresh, to kill the king. Mordecai snitched to Esther, who told the king. But the king, being a moron, then forgot all about it and Mordecai was not rewarded. Were Bigthan and Teresh really the villains here? Or wouldn’t Persia have been better off without this clueless lech on the throne?

Later the king can’t sleep so he has the royal records read to him and is reminded about all this, so he asks Haman what should be done for someone the king wishes to honor. Haman, thinking he’s referring to him, makes some suggestions. Mordecai receives the honors Haman suggests.

Anyway, even before this, Haman had decided to kill not only Mordecai but every Jew in Persia. Because of the bowing thing. Mordecai may be a bit of a schmuck, but that’s quite an overreaction. Haman casts lots, referred to with the Assyrian word “pur”, hence the name Purim, to decide the day on which to kill everyone Jewish. Which of course includes Mordecai.

It’s easy for Haman to persuade the brainless king to issue a decree to this affect. Bigthan and Teresh look pretty good right now huh? In my mind, I picture Haman and the king as Kefka and the emperor from the game Final Fantasy VI (but I’m old enough to remember when it was called Final Fantasy III on the Super Nintendo in the U.S.). Are they familiar with the Purim story in Japan?

Mordecai tells Esther she needs to talk the king out of this. But Esther, being the second most sensible character in the story, after Vashti, comes up with her own plan. She arranges a banquet for the king and invites Haman. Haman thinks it is a great honor to be invited to Esther’s banquet. The king is pleased and offers her anything she wants. She has them both were she wants them, but she bides her time. She requests a second banquet. After this banquet she reveals that she’s Jewish and asks the king to thwart Haman’s plot.

Royal decrees can not be reversed however. Because how could a rule like that ever go wrong? So instead the king issues a new decree giving the Jewish people permission to defend themselves and they kill a bunch of the people who wanted to kill them. Mordecai is promoted to vizier in place of Haman, who was hung on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai, and Esther and Mordecai declare the day a holiday to be celebrated joyously for all time. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!

It’s worth noting that God is not mentioned anywhere in the story. But tradition credits God as writer and director. Unlike Quentin Tarantino, God does not write a part for Godself into the story. It is just as violent as a Tarantino comedy though. Haman’s ten sons are killed as well. What did they do? They had funny sounding names, and apparently that’s unforgivable: Parshandatha, Dalphon, Aspatha, Poratha, Adalia, Aridatha, Parmashta, Arisai, Aridai, and Vaizatha.

If he’s up for it, Tarantino can direct my spinoff sequel about Vashti. He’s not Jewish, but he did a good job with Inglorious Basterds. In my sequel, Vashti returns to the capital at the head of a peasant army. Her army surrounds the palace and she storms in, addressing Ahasuerus, Esther, and Mordecai. She’s holding a sword with words etched into it in Hebrew that read “For Hadar, from Abihail.” Vashti means beautiful, and Hadar means the same in Hebrew.

Vashti reveals that Bigthan and Teresh were working for her. Then she declares, the people have risen up to overthrow the corrupt king and nobles. From now on, the people will choose who governs Persia. Wives will no longer be expected to obey every absurd notion of their husbands. Persia is now free!

Vashti addresses Esther, now, surprisingly, in Hebrew. She says, “you did well, little star” (Esther is a Persian name meaning star). “You did all that a woman in your position could do to save our people. But no more must we rely on such risky means to sway the unpredictable whims of a fool.” Vashti orders Ahasuerus taken to the harem quarters and confined there by the eunuchs. She says to Esther, still in Hebrew, “you are free. You may stay here in the palace, or go wherever you like. Whatever you choose to do, now is the time for you to grow into a mighty myrtle. This is yours.”

Vashti hands Esther a sword identical to her own on which is written “For Hadassah, from Abihail.” We learned early in the Book of Esther that her deceased father was named Abihail. Did I forget to mention that? Also Hadassah is Esther’s Hebrew name. It means myrtle.

A Purim tradition is the Purim spiel, little comedic plays. Let’s say my Vashti story is a Purim spiel. It is funny if you find schadenfreude amusing. I certainly do.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Purim. And Lent. Purim is a joyous holiday that involves lots of eating. And drinking. Especially drinking. The joy isn’t a problem for those of us observing Lent. Lent is a season of penitence, but you are allowed to be happy during Lent. The eating and drinking though can be a problem if you’re really serious about winning Lent.

In the Talmud it literally says that on Purim you should drink alcohol until you can no longer tell the difference between the phrases “cursed be Haman” and “praised be Mordecai” (but why praise Mordecai when Esther is the one who did everything? You know the answer). So what do you do if you’re trying to win at Lent? If you don’t give up alcohol, you won’t win Lent. You might do okay, but you’re not going to reach the final level and beat the final boss (your attachments to the illusory things of this world of maya? I don’t know, maybe I’m mixing metaphors, or religions).

I have a few suggestions for losing your ability to distinguish these phrases without alcohol though. Resorting to a different drug would be cheating, and we’ve already established that God doesn’t like cheating. But you could try hitting yourself in the head until you can no longer tell the difference between the two. If you swing hard enough, it shouldn’t take long.

If you’re concerned about permanent brain damage, try spinning around until you’re dizzy instead. Or hold your breath until you’re light headed. Even better, it is traditional to say the names of Haman’s ten sons in one breath when reading the Book of Esther on Purim. Just do this over and over for a while.

Sleep deprivation is another option. But instead of having royal chronicles read to you, which are boring and would only put you to sleep with talk of failed assassination plots against dumb as a bedpost kings, stay up all night both the night before and the night of Purim watching the Veggie Tales version of the Book of Esther on repeat. Esther is a green onion.

Speaking of which, in addition to drinking, food is a big part of Purim. It’s traditional to prepare plates of food to give to friends, and these typically consist of sweets. But they don’t have to. You can give carrots and whole grain bread instead. Your friends will love you. Especially the kids (who traditionally deliver the plates).

What if a friend gives you a plate of sweets? Well, it’s also traditional to give to charity on Purim, including giving food to the poor. Just give your sweets away. Your own kids will love this idea.

The food most associated with Purim among Ashkenazi Jews (those who say things like nosh and tuchus and verklempt) is hamantashen. These pastries are shaped like triangles and said to look like either Haman’s pockets or his hat or maybe his ears. For fun, try starting an argument over which is correct. It shouldn’t be hard. Judaism is all about arguing differences of opinion.

But aside from arguing over the correct interpretation of the shape of the hamantashen, what about eating them? If you gave up sweets for Lent, that would be farbotn. But they are delicious. Especially the ones filled with apricot jam. I’m not even certain what an apricot is. But I believe they were created mainly to fill hamantashen.

You could take some hamantashen home and freeze them, then thaw them out to eat as a treat on Easter Sunday. But what if you want hamantashen on Purim? I suggest making some unsweetened hamantashen with whole grain flour and carrot paste. It’ll look kind of like apricot jam at least. I’m sure the kids will love this too.

The purpose of feasting on Purim is to commemorate Esther’s feasts and to enhance the joyousness of the holiday. But how can you feast when you’re fasting? By fasting even more! The day before Purim is called the Fast of Esther. It is a fast in commemoration of Esther’s fast before she went in to see the king to execute her plan (she would have been executed herself if he’d rejected her). It is traditionally a minor fast, involving not eating or drinking from sunrise until Purim begins at sunset (Jewish days always begin at sunset).

But why not make it longer? The traditional Purim meal is in the afternoon before Purim ends at the next sunset. If you don’t eat anything until then, you’ll be so hungry that anything you eat will feel like a feast. Low blood sugar might also help with your efforts to confuse “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordecai.” You’ll survive. After all, Esther fasted for three days, and she was a green onion.

I hope you’ve found all of this enlightening and that my suggestions for how to observe both Lent and Purim will be helpful for those of you who, like me, have both liturgical Christian and rabbinical Jewish elements in your family background. Both of you. But if not, Purim will be over at sunset on Tuesday, March 10 this year. Then we’ll have a whole year to think of more ways to enjoy Purim while deep in penitent fasting for Lent.

Well, a whole Jewish year anyway. That’s only about 354 days, give or take a couple because why not? If it’s not a leap year, which adds a whole extra month because again, why not? The next leap year isn’t for a couple more years though. So we don’t have much time. We’d better all get started thinking about next year’s Lenpturim now. Don’t wait until this year’s Purim is over. Enhance the beauty of this year’s festival by starting to plan for next year’s! If you think hard enough, it might even help muddle your head so much that’ll you’ll confuse those two phrases we talked about.

You’ve already forgotten them? Good. We’re well on our way to a Happy Purim (even thought it’s still Lent).