Four Blood Moons: the Ultimate Punchline Is Nigh

Four Blood Moons: the Ultimate Punchline Is Nigh September 25, 2015

If it feels like we’ve been here before, we have. John Hagee imagines that the last 18 months have been a slow-motion display of God saying, “Look out!” (I find it more fun to imagine God’s voice getting really low because it’s stretched out).

Look for a total lunar eclipse on Sunday night (9/27/15). In Seattle, totality begins at 7:11pm and ends at 8:23. The partial eclipse lasts another hour. Add three hours to convert to Eastern time.

John Hagee 4 blood moonsWhy is this eclipse interesting?

Because the plane that the moon rotates in is off by five degrees from the ecliptic (the plane defined by the orbit of the earth around the sun), an opportunity for either lunar or solar eclipses only happens twice a year. Lunar eclipses are quite common, with total eclipses somewhat less so. Much less likely is when there is a total eclipse and then six months later, another, and then another, and then another—four total lunar eclipses over 18 months. Since the year 1CE, there have been 57 such “tetrads.”

Why is this eclipse interesting religiously?

Now consider the religious connection. The Jewish festivals of Passover and Sukkot begin on full moons, and they are also six months apart. A lunar eclipse tetrad can line up with them, and there have been seven such alignments since 1CE. The eighth concludes on Sunday.

So, what’s the religious significance of this alignment? None. Joel 2:30–31 talks about the moon turning to blood, and Christian Zionist opportunist John Hagee has invented a connection. Since total eclipses usually look red, he calls a lunar eclipse tetrad that aligns with the Jewish festivals “four blood moons,” and he says they line up with significant events in Jewish history. He argues his theory by looking at the last three alignments (the dates below are of the first eclipse in the tetrad).

  • 1967 was the Six-Day War.
  • 1949 was the establishment of Israel.
  • 1493 was the expulsion of the Jews from Spain.

The sharp-eyed reader will notice that the Jews were actually expelled from Spain one year earlier. The date for the establishment of Israel is also off.

So Hagee’s hypothesis is that tetrads mean either good or bad things happening to the Jewish people, with the date a little fuzzy. Note also that not all significant events get a tetrad. The Holocaust during World War II is glaringly absent. God’s message then becomes, “Something good or bad will soon happen to the Jewish people, or has happened, and I might’ve missed a few.” I have higher standards for Hagee’s god than Hagee does.

It gets worse when we consider the four ignored alignments, which began in the years 162, 795, 842, and 860. Hagee doesn’t bother wondering what God was saying with these, because they don’t support his flabby hypothesis. But if God wanted to point to important events for the Jewish people, obvious candidates would have included the three Jewish-Roman Wars. Hagee doesn’t seem to credit his flock with much knowledge, but even they will know the first omission.

  • The First Jewish-Roman War (66–74CE) included the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem in 70, the deaths of 1.1 million Jews (according to Josephus), and the enslavement of the survivors.
  • The Kitos War (115–117CE) began with ethnic Judeans outside of Palestine rising up to slaughter Roman soldiers and noncombatants—reportedly half a million. The empire put down the revolt, violently.
  • The Bar Kokhba Revolt (132–136CE) was, like the First War, conducted in Judea. One source called it a genocide and more significant in damaging Judaism in Judea than the First War.

(For further detail on Hagee’s ill-advised dabblings into prophecy, I’ve written more here. And about his movie. And about what actually makes a good prophecy.)

Even more trivia—fun!

This tetrad as a placeholder provides an opportunity to pile on more stuff with no concern for whether Christianity or Judaism says that this is meaningful (they don’t).

  • Eclipse opportunities can create solar eclipses as well as lunar, and this tetrad’s 18-month window includes one solar eclipse.
  • The moon’s orbit is elliptical, and once a month it reaches its perigee (closest point) which makes it appear 14% wider than at its apogee (farthest point). Sunday’s eclipse will be of such a “supermoon.”
  • The last year in a seven-year cycle in the Jewish calendar is a Shemitah year, and this tetrad included such a year (it ended 9/13/15). Shemitah is a time to let the land go fallow and forgive debts with fellow Jews. However, Wikipedia says, “There is little notice of the observance of this year in Biblical history and it appears to have been much neglected.” And why imagine divine wrath when Shemitah is a time of forgiveness?
  • This entire celestial farce has been invisible in Israel, with the exception of this final lunar eclipse.
  • Here’s interesting data about why the world will end two days ago.

Let’s conclude by trying to figure out what’s actually supposed to happen in Part 2.

There’s a sucker born every minute.
Barnum 3:16

Image credit: krheesy, flickr, CC

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Max Doubt

    I have a crazy sister-in-law who buys into every doomsday conjecture that crosses her Facebook feed. Every nutty conspiracy, every terrible thing Obama is secretly doing to wreck her life, every 9/11, Kennedy, fluoride, Illuminati “theory”, and some I’ve never even heard before. And the end of the world is coming, of course. Other than a family obligation to, ya know, be nice, I so badly want to reply to her comments with, “Can I have your stuff?”

    • Guthrum

      Let me say this. I used to have no interest in Bible prophecy at all. Then a friend stayed after me to attend a Bible Prophecy Educational Seminar at his church. I was skeptical, but it turned out to be very informative, thoughtful, and everything made sense. It all fit in !
      As far as Pastor Hagee goes, his books sell good, and the “Four Blood Moons” book has seemed to spark renewed interest in this timely subject. But the subject may not be for everyone.
      September has had a huge number of unusual events.

      • Max Doubt

        “Let me say this. I used to have no interest in Bible prophecy at all. Then a friend stayed after me to attend a Bible Prophecy Educational Seminar at his church. I was skeptical, but it turned out to be very informative, thoughtful, and everything made sense. It all fit in !”

        Yeah, and some people believe John Edward’s act is real because, you know, it all fits in. If you buy into this nonsense you should be embarrassed by your gullibility, not proud of it.

        “As far as Pastor Hagee goes, his books sell good,…”

        Yes, he’s a successful con man. So what?

        “… and the “Four Blood Moons” book has seemed to spark renewed interest in this timely subject.”

        Not inordinately so. Interest in this kind of silliness has been sparking for centuries. Just as much will come from the current hubbub as has come from it anytime in the past.

        “But the subject may not be for everyone.”

        Yeah, it’s pretty much targeted to the most gullible, the most easily conned. It’s designed intentionally to appeal to that demographic because you can’t get donations and sell books as easily when you pitch this sort of nonsense at sensible people.

        “September has had a huge number of unusual events.”

        That huge number being pretty much what we might expect when compared to the number of unusual events in September of 2014, 2013, 2012, etc., or any other month of any other year in history. Remarkable? Not even a tiny bit.

        • How soon people forget Brother Harold Camping. He had America in a tizzy about his 5/21/11 Rapture. (Spoiler: didn’t happen.)

          Luckily, we all learned a lesson, and this kind of irresponsible fear-mongering handwaving doesn’t happen anymore …

        • Greg G.

          Fortunately, I procrastinated putting my life savings into billboard warnings.

        • An opportunity to bet on Harold Camping to “Win” only comes 10 or 15 times in a lifetime.

        • tsig

          With a ‘Camping Win’ everybody loses.

        • Not for Harold Camping and his tiny sliver of Christianity!

          He crashed and burned completely, though, so the shadenfreude was almost worth it. I just wish Hagee would be held to account.

        • TheNuszAbides

          He crashed and burned completely, though, so the shadenfreude was almost worth it.

          too easy for some ass like Fischer to chalk it all up to another of Satan’s tricks.

        • Fischer? Is that another doomsday predictor?

        • TheNuszAbides

          Bryan F. – a fear-&-loathing-monger with a radio platform, gets fairly frequent notice on Hemant’s blog. i don’t recall an explicitly prophetic styling – perhaps the closest is Robertson-esque ravings about the totes-destructive influence of gay rights – but one of the recent gems was ass-backwards ‘advice’ on defending our minds from Satan. the bad guy can put false thoughts into our heads but only the good guy can read our thoughts. naturally the primary solution is to curl up with scripture as deftly and frequently as possible.

        • TheNuszAbides

          5/21/11 Rapture. (Spoiler: didn’t happen.)

          retrospoiler? there should be a special word for unequivocally failed prophecies.

        • Guthrum

          This news just in: Russia hss joined with Syria ! Just days after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met with him and was promised that Russia had no intentions in there. This is big, a game changer in the middle east.
          These events cannot be discounted as a coincidence. We are being warned.
          See: Gog, Magog. It all is fitting in.

        • Kodie

          You’re pretty nutty.

        • tsig

          Being warned about what? Why would god be constrained by a human made calendar? If god wants to communicate with humans there are many ways so why would he use some perfectly normal planetary configuration?

        • Snowflake

          Speaker Boehner is stepping down. Some fireworks are going to happen.

          BTW, please tell me you are kidding.

        • rascal barquecat

          Very similar claims were made about the USSR in Afghanistan back in the 80’s. And the amount of apocalyptic prophecies about the beginning of the 21st century were staggering – and staggeringly unfulfilled, too.

          So, come this December, can I have your stuff?
          (Everyone else, I called dibs first!)

        • Ol’ Hippy

          Yeah Russia and Syria are problems but to predict what will happen is preposterous, especially that it has anything with the lunar eclispe.HAHAHA… Really, how can anyone be so gullible? I have a bridge in Brooklin I’ll sell foe 100 dollars too; how many do you think I’ll sell? Get serious NO ONE can predict the future, no one!

      • Tell me more. Most prophecies (Hagee’s most certainly included) are so vague as to be untestable. Do you have testable prophecies?

        What I don’t want (more for your sake than mine) is for you to make a definite, testable statement (more than “Well, something might happen!”).

        • Guthrum

          If we get through the next two months without some disastrous natural event, an economic collapse, or some middle east collapse, then I will stay off the prophecy sites and books.

        • Kodie

          Why not learn about statistics? And marketing? These are interesting subjects you should know about.

        • Ron

          I’m inclined to go the other way. Natural disasters occur with such frequency that I’d be more impressed by someone who accurately prophesied a complete absence of such events for two or more months.

        • Kodie

          The thing is, these things go in seasons too. According to the actuaries I worked with at an insurance company a long time ago, hurricane season officially ends December 1st, and as a new hire, they invited me out to lunch to celebrate. Weird things actuaries do.

          With respect to “prophesies,” holy shit, could they be more vague? Something something natural disaster, economic collapse, Middle East something something something. These aren’t prophesies. Although I have to say my favorite version of Christianity is the prophecy codes. What major, predictable, regular event can be construed from some vague verse in the bible. And the fools who believe and are amazed at the “accuracy”.

          Am I a prophet if I say an earthquake will happen some time in the next 5 years? Several major earthquakes have occurred over the world in my lifetime, that I know enough about fault lines and such to say, another one will occur! The earth has not magically sealed its fault lines, preventing all future earthquakes. But a seismologist might know more, like how soon, where, and if it will be “the big one.” Hurricanes are relatively predictable in that they occur every year, and where they land, nobody knows. I’ve seen the spaghetti maps where the path may go. It could hit farther south, it could be in the north, it could stay out to sea. We hit record snowfall in Boston last winter – was that a big deal? Because we can measure such a thing, there must be a snowiest winter. Of course, the bible doesn’t say anything about the seas rising and global warming, since “god” promised Noah never to go about massive genocide again with that particular method.

        • We get about 2 magnitude 8.5 or higher earthquakes every decade somewhere in the world (source). “A major earthquake in the next 5 years” is a pretty safe bet.

        • Ron

          True. And God specifically created light refraction through a collection of suspended water droplets in the atmosphere to serve as a prominent reminder of said promise. Isn’t God swell?

        • It shouldn’t be too hard to quantify various disasters. With that, you could note things going forward and calibrate things by looking backwards as well. Then throw in some bad periods in history (unlike ours) like WW2, the 1918 pandemic, Civil War, Napoleonic Wars, Third Years War, Black Death, and so on to give perspective for whatever is happening now.

        • MNb

          BWAHAHAHAHA!
          Look hard enough and you’ll find yourself some disastrous natural event somewhere – if not on Earth then elsewhere in the Universe.

        • Greg G.

          Natural disasters happen all the time no matter how many lunar eclipses with have. That is the problem with vague predictions.

          I predict that if you read this, it will rain somewhere in the world within 23 days. Also, a hundred people will die within an hour.

        • rascal barquecat

          Um, have you paid attention to the last few months/years/decades/centuries? It’s a big world we live on, those things happen rather frequently. What would make any of them happening in the next two months any different from those happening in the last 10 years?

        • Sounds like a rigged test to me. Can you identify a two-month period in human history that had no disastrous natural event? No earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, forest fires–nothing–anywhere on the planet?

        • Guthrum

          I am talking here about game changers . I am talking about still being here in two months sitting out in the garage talking to friends on my two way radio.

        • Well, I suspect you can talk to friends on a two-way radio now, but I think I get what you mean.

          We’ll hold you to it. By November 26, if we’ve had no Day After Tomorrow-type epic disaster, and if the economy is running roughly the way it is now (in other words, ATMs still work and you can get groceries without having to take a fireteam), you will give up prophecy books and sites. Even better, you would show a lot of integrity by coming back here and acknowledging that end-of-world prophecy is as misguided now as it has been for the past 2000+ years.

        • Greg G.

          Wait until November 2016. I think the blood moons are warning us that Trump will get elected.

        • MR

          [shudder] I’ll be sitting it out in my garage….

        • Max Doubt

          “Even better, you would show a lot of integrity by coming back here and acknowledging that end-of-world prophecy is as misguided now as it has been for the past 2000+ years.”

          That would require integrity and honesty. Just in case there’s any glitch in the Disqus database that, ya know, changes Guthrum’s original comments, maybe we should leave some copies here, too.

          [Guthrum – September 25, 2015] If we get through the next two months without some disastrous natural event, an economic collapse, or some middle east collapse, then I will stay off the prophecy sites and books.

          [Guthrum – September 26, 2015] I am talking here about game changers . I am talking about still being here in two months sitting out in the garage talking to friends on my two way radio.

        • You’re saying that you think it likely that you’ll have only primitive communication methods in the wasteland that will be America in 2 months?

          I agree with Lex Lata: commit to stepping away from the prophecy nonsense if you find that this round has gone wrong (like the dozens of others before it).

        • Guthrum: now that the dreaded blood moons have come and gone, what do you think now? Can you share your critique of how it all played out?

        • Guthrum

          This has not gone the way most of the end time pastors predicted. I am still reading and studying the Bible, but I am staying away from the apocalypse theology.

        • Some end times pastors were on board with the blood moons thing, while others (maybe because they didn’t think of it?) were ridiculing it from the outside. That this would be yet another bust seems to have been an easy bet from day 1.

          What is your response to those end times pastors with egg on their faces now? Or to those who still follow them?

        • Guthrum

          I would tell them to get back to the mission and let God take care of the future.

        • Guthrum

          There were no huge, earth shaking events. While there were some big things that happen, I am still carrying on and doing the same things I did before the “Blood Moon” deal, as is everyone else: no upheavals, catastrophic disasters, one world government, or internment camps around here. The news mainly has been Trump, Hillary, Sanders. These apocalyptic pastors need to teach and preach the whole Bible.

        • Greg G.

          These apocalyptic pastors need to teach and preach the whole Bible.

          A third of the New Testament comes from an apocalyptic preacher who has been wrong for two thousand years. Paul expected the Lord to take up the believers during his lifetime. He formed his apocalyptic ideas from the Old Testament.

        • Any thoughts about how to share your insights about the emptiness of apocalyptic teaching to your fellow Christians?

        • And if you find such a period, that might look supernatural.

        • RidgewayGirl

          I think you need to remember this comment.

        • Guthrum

          I will .

        • MNb

          Oh, he will find himself some convenient disaster pretty easily.

        • Check in with us in two months and let’s revisit this issue.

        • Guthrum

          I plan to.

        • TheNuszAbides

          my prophecy: Guthrum will return as a sock that poses as Guthrum’s cousin or something, with an ‘explanation’ worthy of Coast to Coast.

          runner-up: Guthrum will be its normal online self, but make a big show of humility in that, well, Guthrum is relatively new to all this mind-blowing stuff, and surely we can’t expect such a non-Hagee-caliber amateur to successfully make significant predictions …

          EDIT: alternative and clarity

        • Sue Blue

          Disasters, both natural and human-made, have been happening throughout history; natural disasters have occurred since the formation of the earth over 4.5 billion years ago. There is evidence that life has made it through many bottlenecks caused by catastrophic natural disasters. What did the Glacial Lake Missoula floods (the largest known on earth) at the end of the last Ice Age signify? Surely they spelled the end for many animals and the humans who almost surely witnessed them. What was the meaning of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami in 2011? All the earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, fires, floods? The Great Depression? The Panic of 1893? The Dust Bowl? The Black Death of 1348-1349 that killed more than a third of the population of Eurasia? The two World Wars – in fact, ALL the wars? The plagues of measles and smallpox that wiped out nearly 90% of the Native population of the Americas in the centuries after European colonization? The Permian mass extinction (the worst to date), which wiped out more than 90% of all life on the planet?

          Face it, man – there’s always an “End Times” or a doomsday for someone, somewhere. Nothing lasts forever, not even planets, stars, or galaxies…and that’s completely natural.

        • TheNuszAbides

          safe bet. doesn’t even begin to indicate that you or anyone else is ‘on to something’.

      • Kodie

        You got suckered.

      • MNb

        “But the subject may not be for everyone.”
        No. For me for instance. No Blood Moon around here.

      • TheNuszAbides

        his books sell good

        that any humans might take an interest in something doesn’t make it inherently special or objectively significant beyond the power of distraction.

    • If only there were consequences–like your having all her stuff after a certain I’m-guaranteed-to-be-raptured-by-now date.

      Unfalsifiable beliefs are tough to respond to.

    • rascal barquecat

      About the same time you posted this, over on Atheology I posted that I reply to end-timers with “I call dibs on their stuff, their reactions are priceless.”
      It must be “A Sign!” 😉

  • Jack Baynes

    If the moon turning to blood that Joel was talking about was a lunar eclipse, why haven’t any of the hundreds of lunar eclipses since the book was written signified “the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.”? Where did the idea that there had to be *4* such eclipses before they were significant come from? Any why the backing down from “the coming of the lord” to simply “something will happen”? Something usually does.

    • You’d think it would take Christians 5 minutes of skeptical thinking to unravel Pastor John’s sad little argument. But they don’t want it to unravel.

      • Snowflake

        No. It is like living in an adventure movie, I think.

      • rascal barquecat

        Sadly true. If more religious people wanted to use skeptical thinking on religious arguments, there would be far fewer religious people. It’s so much easier to just let the preacher tell you what to think.

  • Kevin R. Cross

    Bloody North Americans, hogging all the eclipses! Haven’t been able to see a single one from Australia in this sequence!

    • Max Doubt

      “Haven’t been able to see a single one from Australia in this sequence!”

      Well after all, we are a Christian nation here in the US. You? 🙂

      • Kevin R. Cross

        Actually, I think Oz is still mostly Christian. At least officially – most seem to be “Christmas Christians”. Heck, we gave you guys Ken Ham! (And no, we don’t want him back. Ever.)

        • Snowflake

          We can send you the Duggars. Gift wrapped.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          I seriously doubt Josh could get a visa.

        • Snowflake

          No problem. We will keep him if you take the rest.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          Believe it or not, might be worth it. There are areas of the country that seriously need a population injection – The Ord River area in Western Australia is a good example.
          Plus, it’s so remote even the “reality TV” companies wouldn’t be interested. A win-win!

        • Snowflake

          I really love you. It would be even better if there was no Wifi in the Ord River area and some sort of birth control in the water supply. May we shake on it?

        • Kevin R. Cross

          Absolutely. And as far as the Ord goes, I’m not sure there are phones there yet!

        • Snowflake

          I did check out the Ord Region, I think. It is in the Kimberly (State, Province?) of North West Australia? It does seem remote, but, my, it is beautiful. It must be wonderful to live in Australia.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          The Kimberly is a region, a contiguous area of geographic and climatic similarity (something similar in the USA would be “Appalachia”). It’s entirely inside the state of Western Australia.
          And yeah, this is great place to live.

        • Snowflake

          Similar to Appalachia. Do you also mean culture? Also, do you get snow? I never thought of Australia as having snow. Cool.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          We do get snow, in Tasmania and the southern regions, but that’s not what I meant. “Appalachia” is an area covering multiple states, and more defined by it’s geography than by political and cultural boundaries.
          The Kimberly is like that, a geographical and climatic area, rather than political or cultural (very few people live in the Kimberly, so there isn’t much culture). And it definitely doesn’t snow there – on an average day you get 40 degrees Celsius (about 110 Fahrenheit) and 100% humidity!

        • MNb

          That’s terrible. I live in Suriname – about 800 km north of the equator – and when it’s 40 °C humidity usually drops to 70%. Typically with 100% humidity temperature drops beneath 30 °C.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          The Kimberly is one of the most hostile regions on earth in terms of climate. Hyperthermia (body overheating) is not just a threat – it’s near a certainty if you don’t have access to some method of cooling down, and water is rare to non-existent – unless you get caught in a tropical downpour, of course, but then you need to worry about flash floods and lightning strikes. Yet, all that water will be gone by tomorrow morning.
          Oh, and don’t think the ocean will help. The whole area is infested with Salt-Water Crocodiles!

        • Ron

          There you go! Yet another example of how everything has been wonderfully fine-tuned for human life.

        • Snowflake

          Ok. Thanks for explaining. Appalachia is also a culture in the USA. I actually live in the most northern part of Appalachia, but as you noted it is across a large range. Where I live, we can get 3 feet of snow for several months and negative 30 Celcius. We do not get such hot weather. I do think my southern neighbors do and humidity and cold winter.

          Thanks for your input. It is so interesting.

        • Kevin R. Cross

          You’re very welcome. Australia is a fascinating place, I hope you’ll have a chance to see it for yourself.

        • Snowflake

          Perhaps one day! I was laughing to myself. Last month my family and I took a trip to Hawaii. It was an 11 flight (not including 5 hour drive to airport). The thought of bringing a teen on a long flight….oh, my.

          Though, I do look forward to seeing so much of the world my kid’s college is paid for.

        • MNb
        • Snowflake

          Wow! That is so cool! Thank you!

      • Yep, somehow America became God’s chosen.

        • tsig

          That hasn’t worked out that well for the Jews.

        • TheNuszAbides

          depends which Jews you’re talking about.

  • Peter_J88

    My guess is that Hagee will wake up on Monday and wonder what the hell happened and then start looking for some other bullshit to scare gullible people with.

    • Jack Baynes

      The kids left the refrigerator door open and all my food spoiled! That’s what the moons were signifying!!!

      • Ron

        It’s a sign that the moon is made of green cheese.

    • Hagee is so vague as to be laughable, but that vagueness will help him out of the jam you mention. He’ll say, “What? I didn’t say we wouldn’t be here on Monday.” Of course, when you ask him what God was saying, he’d probably demand 6 months and then cobble together some combination of the greatest hits in the headlines from the prior 2 years.

    • rascal barquecat

      He’ll just claim it was a “spiritual” event, blah blah blah, in preparation of the second coming, etc. etc. etc. same as usual.

  • Snowflake

    Welp. Not so sure about End Times. As I was reading your article, I was in the back seat of my car, as my 16 year old son is learning to drive. He has had his permit 2 weeks. To complicate matters, he is learning on a standard transmission. I’m seeing some end times flashing before my eyes.

    Once I got over the terror of Rapture that was inflicted on me in fourth grade, I’m finding this stuff a bit funny. We actually do not have much of that scare where I live. Periodically I see the bumper sticker In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned. Kind of rude, I think.

    However, if Rapture does happen, we will not have to deal with them anymore.

    • You could say, “When the Rapture happens, can I have your stuff?”

      • Snowflake

        I’d be happy if they just went away.

      • Kodie

        I just assume that I can take their stuff without asking.

        • I like the idea of atheists running post-Rapture pet care insurance services.

          Don’t want Buster to be alone after you get raptured? Give me $1000 and I’ll promise to take care of him.

        • Snowflake

          I will take all the cats and kittens!

      • Ron

        Yes, but do you really want to assume ownership of their complete apologetics library and Debbie Boone CDs?

        • Nah–it’s all a front. You know Pat Robertson has a porn buddy who’ll come in right after he dies to clear away his secret stash.

        • Snowflake

          What kind of porn? Will they auction it?

        • Ron

          No doubt the headline will read:

          “Coroner: Pat Robertson Died After a Series of Small Strokes.”

        • And I thought that dying in bed with a hooker was embarrassing!

  • Ron

    It’s too bad “God’s Guide” doesn’t have the words “DON’T PANIC” emblazoned in large friendly letters on the front cover.

    • TheNuszAbides

      design flaw!

  • Ol’ Hippy

    Guess what; NO ONE has ever been able to predict the future. I seem to recall seeing Pat Robertson( no I don’t watch the 700 club, accidentally saw it) saying the same sort of thing about the tetrad. HAHAHAHAHA! I can’t believe this shit is even legal but it’s a free country and we can believe in shit if we want to. Whatever happens will happen and humans will not really be able to do anything about it. So I learned to stop worrying (and love the bomb).

    • Snowflake

      I love that movie!!!

    • MNb

      Oh, I’m totally able to predict the future.
      In 2215 I’ll be dead.

  • Ol’ Hippy

    All the prophecy in the”Book” is reverse engineered; kind of what Winston Smith did in “1984”;(he rewrote history to correspond with the present). It’s easy to do, so the people writing it did it a lot. They also embelished the stories a lot too and a small deed turned into a grand production after a few rewrites. Remember everything was written down by someone, no dictionary or word processors 2000 years ago, just scribes and some wern’t very good. So enogh of THE WORD; it’s all just stories.

  • TheUnknownPundit

    Here’s what I think of all this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BmEGm-mraE

    The first few times I heard this song I thought they were singing “There’s a bathroom on the right.” Little AM transistor radios in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s weren’t high fidelity, to say the least. 😉

  • SparklingMoon,

    The end time( described in holy scriptures) already started in the middle of eighteenth century.

    Human civilization and dispensation have a cyclic life. The progeny of Adam has a life cycle of seven thousand years. God has ordained the age of the world to be seven thousand years, with a thousand year periods both for light and for darkness. In other words, there is a period for righteousness to prevail and a period in which evil and misguidance reign supreme.

    Only God knows how many Adams have passed away and how many have yet to come. We learn from the Holy Books that other worlds have existed before us, though we do not know what kind of people inhabited them. But it seems that an era of the world lasts for seven thousand years — as a symbol of which the days have been fixed at seven, each standing for a thousand years. We cannot say how many such cycles the world has gone through and how many Adams may have appeared in their own times, but it is certain that, since God is the Eternal Creator, the world must also be eternal as a species, though not in its forms and manifestations.

    The scriptures of all the Prophets (as) show that from Adam to the end, God has ordained the age of the world to be seven thousand years, with a thousand year periods both for light and for darkness. In other words,there is a period for righteousness to prevail and a period in which evil and misguidance reign supreme. According to Divine scriptures, the seven millenniums have been further divided as follows: First millennium: for the spread of guidance and virtue. Second millennium: for dominance of Satan. Third millennium: for the spread of guidance and virtue. (this was the millennium in which Prophet Moses appeared) Fourth millennium: for the dominance of Satan. Fifth millennium: for the spread of virtue (this was the millennium in which Prophet of Islam appeared for the reformation of mankind). Sixth millennium: for the release and dominance of Satan (this millennium extends from 900 CE to 1850 CE). Seventh millennium: for the supremacy of God and His Messiah,spread of virtue and faith and righteousness, establishment of the Unity of God and Divine worship, and dominance of every virtue. (Ruhanikhazain)

    • Dys

      Human civilization and dispensation have a cyclic life. The progeny of Adam has a life cycle of seven thousand years.

      So the fact that humanity has existed far longer than seven thousand years makes such predictions incredibly pointless. Thanks for the confirmation.

      We learn from the Holy Books that other worlds have existed before us, though we do not know what kind of people inhabited them.

      No, we don’t learn that from any holy books, because there’s no indication that it’s true.

      The scriptures of all the Prophets (as) show that from Adam to the end,
      God has ordained the age of the world to be seven thousand years, with a
      thousand year periods both for light and for darkness.

      Well, then the only reasonable conclusion is that either the people that wrote those things didn’t know what they were talking about, or God fucked up. Take your pick.

  • Guthrum

    Watch the latest statements by Pastor Hagee on the four blood moons and the growing crisis in the middle east involving Russia, Syria, ISIS, and Iran. Directly related to this is his statement concerning the Iranian nuclear agreement disaster.
    Search John Hagee on Four Blood Moons interview, John Hagee talks about Iran agreement.
    We have moved a huge step closer to a major crisis that could blow up.

    • Trivial and insignificant. ISIS and a deal with Iran are nothing compared to the historical down times I mentioned in part 2 of this post: World War 2 in 1943, the 1918 flu pandemic, the 30 Years War, the Black Death, and so on.

      Hagee’s prophecy is worthless.

      • Guthrum

        This news is coming in: China is joining Russia in airstrikes. And remember that the other day Russia warned the US leaders to move their planes and people out of the way of impending Russian air attacks ! And all the Secretary of Defense did was complain about the Russians being “unprofessional”.
        So, basically you have Russia taking over the middle east in the space of a few days ! And the US leaders respond by getting their aircraft out of their way ! You can’t make this stuff up !

        • Sounds like you’re about to crescendo into a prediction. Make one. “By the end of October, we will see ___” or something like that.

          And if it’s not at the very least on par with bad stuff from the past (war, pandemics, and so on), I will quickly point that out.

          Start predicting. “Something newsworthy is happening!!” is what Hagee does. And I just laugh. Give me something tangible and substantial.

        • Kodie

          Jesus in a taffeta ball gown, opera gloves… and … sapphire earrings. Fashion police will say his crown of thorns tiara ruins the whole outfit, some will say he looks great with a shave, a lot younger.

        • Nice! And no one will say that an accurate fashion prediction is easy to make.

        • Ron

          That’s not the Jesus I know. Republican Jesus is clad in leather boots, camo pants and a muscle shirt. He wears a long bandana, carries an assault rifle and has “MURICA! FUCK YEAH!” tattooed on his back.

        • Kodie

          Well, that’s what you’d expect, but I can see the future.

        • Dang! Accurate prophecy wins again!

          I’ll have what she’s having.

        • Guthrum

          Now the news that Iranian troops are moving into Syria. Ezekiel 38 talks about this.
          All the pieces are falling into place.

        • Specifics, please: dates, countries, places.

          Is this World War 3? Armageddon? Or is it just what it looks like, a little agitation (again) in the Middle East?

          Just to be clear about the goal here, I want you to make a specific, surprising prediction, and then I want to check in when it should’ve happened so the appropriate party gets to gloat. “All the pieces are falling into place” is insufficient. Indeed, it’s pretty much meaningless.

        • Guthrum

          “Flood of Biblical proportions” hits South Carolina. “A 1000 year flood” “Catastrophic floodin on east coast”
          There were warnings weeks before this hurricane even formed that the eastern US would experience a major disaster. It’s here, now ! A warning !

        • Oh, please. Hurricane Joaquin killed 10 in South Carolina. That’s a shame, but it’s not even an also-ran on the list of bad hurricanes to hit North America, let alone natural disasters.

          There were warnings weeks before this hurricane even formed that the eastern US would experience a major disaster.

          And what was the warning? “Something is about to change” as John Hagee said? That’s as specific as the Creator of the Universe can be?

          I must have higher standards for gods than you do.

        • Kodie

          You are so fucking stupid. Hurricanes happen every year this time of year, and pretty regularly one or two will make landfall. Warning! Get off the eastern seaboard, you could be next!!!!

        • MNb

          Aha. Your god hates South Carolina.
          Where I live everything is quiet.
          Must be because of religious bigots like you being absent.

        • Maybe too many Christians in South Carolina?

        • I’m still waiting for a clear, specific, dramatic, surprising prediction. Looks like the earth is still spinning, just like always.

          Anything?

        • Guthrum

          Give it another month or two and I will make some statements. I did see where Goldman Sachs is predicting a collapse of “apocalyptic proportions” soon. We will see.

        • I’ll be curious to read what you come up with, but I don’t know why you don’t have the information already. God has made it clear, no? He certainly hasn’t made it clear to me, but I thought you were seeing prophecy in the 4 blood moons or September 2015 or something around that timeframe.

        • MR

          Remember, it’s got to be bad enough that he’s holed up in his garage on his two way while the world collapses around him.

        • Don’t kill yourself, Guthrum! We can get through this, buddy!

        • MR

          Ooooohhh…, drama in the Middle East…, didn’t see that one coming!

        • 778878

          what if jesus christ really was the antichrist…hmmnn..take his golden name run it through a greek translation you get ΙΗΣΟΥΣ ΧΡΙΣΤΟΣ now take this name run it through the greek numerals numbers aleph theres a whole bunch of sixes in there and even a 616