What Is a “Real Man,” According to the Bible? (2 of 2)

What Is a “Real Man,” According to the Bible? (2 of 2) November 22, 2018

In response to a list of biblical rules for a real man, let’s scour the Bible for more rules (part 1). If the original conservative agenda can guide a selection of rules, then anyone can play the game. Here’s the continuation of our list of 10 More Traits of Real Men.

5. Real men can personally perform miracles

Jesus made clear that his miracles were just the beginning.

Whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these (John 14:12).

We see something similar with the Great Commission. It’s pretty clear that Jesus wasn’t giving it to ordinary Christians today but rather the apostles, but for Christians who imagine that Jesus was talking to them, they should expect to get “authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness” (Matthew 10:1) and the authority to decide which sins can be forgiven (John 20:23).

6a. Real men insist that their sassy children be stoned to death

The Bible says that there’s nothing wrong with a good thrashing (“Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being,” Proverbs 20:30), but it gets a lot worse than that.

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die (Deuteronomy 21:18–21).

That’s effective! I can’t imagine the son misbehaves after that.

6b. Real men stone non-virgins, too

And by “virgin,” of course, we’re talking about virgin women. Virginal purity isn’t a thing for men—and how fortunate for you gentlemen out there! The Bible has a kind of honesty-in-advertising guideline for women. Fathers, if you offer your daughter as a virgin and she isn’t as advertised, you’ll have to take her back:

[If] the tokens of virginity be not found for the bride, then they shall bring her to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die (Deuteronomy 22:20–21).

The good news is that the problem of feeding another mouth has been addressed.

7. Real men take sex slaves

Israelite forces were successful in battle against Midian. They killed all the men, destroyed all their towns, and returned with women, children, livestock, and other plunder, but Moses greeted them with anger. He said, in effect, “What part of ‘kill everyone’ did you not understand?!” His resolution of the problem:

[Now] kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man (Numbers 31:17–18).

 8. Real men never sin

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them (1 John 5:18; see also 1 John 3:6, 3:9).

9. Real men abandon reason and evidence

The Bible is supposed to be confusing, didn’t you know? Here’s Jesus praying to God:

I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children (Matthew 11:25).

It’s best to check your brains at the door and just have faith:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5–6).

10. Real men keep slaves

But of course real men conduct slavery in a godly way, and the Bible is a helpful resource. For example, can you keep slaves for life?

Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life (Leviticus 25:44–6).

Slaves need to know their place, but how much punishment is too much?

Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property (Exodus 21:20–21).

We find support in the New Testament as well:

Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh (1 Peter 1:18).

Hallelujah! How thoughtful of God to clarify. More.

And, of course, there’s more. A real man doesn’t mix things like wool and linen or two different crops in a field, and he doesn’t yoke together different animals like an ox with a donkey (Deuteronomy 22:9–11). A real man doesn’t put up with mixed-race marriages (Deut. 7:3, 23:3). And so on.

Admittedly, I’m picking verses following a let’s-make-the-Bible-look-foolish agenda, but that’s no less honest than the original article’s conservative Christian agenda. The Bible’s wisdom doesn’t look so timeless when you imagine it applied today.

To any Christians annoyed at my list, I encourage them to stop having such a hateful holy book.

So far as I can remember,
there is not one word in the Gospels
in praise of intelligence.
— Bertrand Russell


Image from TK Hammonds, CC license

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  • Cozmo the Magician

    Real men treat women the EXACT opposite of what is says in the buybull.

    • Yeah, that’s weird–I wonder why treating women as property wasn’t one of the Christian’s rules. It certainly would be biblical. It’s almost like the Bible is seen through the lens of modern morality, and they’re just pretending that it’s actually the Bible that comes first..

      • Cozmo the Magician

        ” treating women as property wasn’t one of the Christian’s rules” huh, from tons of stuff I see online EVERY DAY it seems that IS one of their rules.

        “Shut up and make me a sammich!”

        • Greg G.

          Mark 1:29-31 is where Jesus told Peter’s mother-in-law, “Get out of bed and make us a sammich!”

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        The bible doesn’t talk about treating oxen as property, either.

        It was so ingrained they never thought to mention it, maybe?

        • Greg G.

          The bible doesn’t talk about treating oxen as property, either.

          Exodus 21:28-32 (NRSV)28 When an ox gores a man or a woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall not be liable. 29 If the ox has been accustomed to gore in the past, and its owner has been warned but has not restrained it, and it kills a man or a woman, the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death. 30 If a ransom is imposed on the owner, then the owner shall pay whatever is imposed for the redemption of the victim’s life. 31 If it gores a boy or a girl, the owner shall be dealt with according to this same rule. 32 If the ox gores a male or female slave, the owner shall pay to the slaveowner thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.

        • Pofarmer

          Do you have any idea how hard it would be to kill an ox by stoning?

        • Greg G.

          I have tried to imagine that. It seems like you would probably do more damage to the ropes that restrained the ox and would only make a dangerous ox angrier.

        • Pofarmer

          I don’t know. I wonder how much of this stuff is simply made up? I mean, it’s hard to kill an Ox with 22 pistol. Let alone stones. It would be massively gruesome.

        • Greg G.

          It’s probably something thought up by a priest with no practical knowledge about anything. The Year of Jubilee is another thing that was probably almost done once and then forgotten. A rich man’s lobbyist bought off a priest to sneak it into the text so he could buy up land and slaves really cheap, then made off with everything when people realized that it wasn’t going to work.

          ETA: The Year of Jubilee is described in the first two dozen verses, or so, of Leviticus 25.

        • Michael Murray

          Don’t you cover it in a white cloth and bury it up to it’s waist before stoning it ? Oh no sorry. That’s women.

        • Phil Rimmer

          I don’t think killing is necessarily being called for. Merely being stoned. I’ve found it a very calming state.

          This is where we get our expression about being put out to grass


        • Otto

          Everyone must get stoned

        • Michael Murray

          Strange that you can be stoned when you are trying to be so good.

        • TheNuszAbides

          you know how “week” can mean “seven years” and “young woman” can mean “virgin” and “snake” can mean “extremely specific mythological character”? well, “be stoned” can mean “have a 16-ton weight dropped upon it”.

          hermeneutics, man. deepity central.

        • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

          When you consider that a wife who hits the testicles of a man her husband is fighting with is condemned to death, I really don’t see a difference.

        • Greg G.

          That wasn’t a death penalty offense. They just chopped off her hand. It’s still barbaric.

  • larry parker

    I said it on part one and I’ll say it again:
    Real men don’t need imaginary friends.

    • TheNuszAbides

      let alone imaginary enemies!

  • Michael Murray

    Isn’t there an argument that women supported the Jesus cult financially ? Not that it did them much good later but that can’t have come as a surprise.

    • I believe some of the house churches Paul mentions in his letters were run by women.

      I’ve also heard that Christianity was more women-centered in its early decades and then moved into a patriarchy later. Who Wrote the Gospels? argued that Luke was written by a women.

  • Michael Murray

    Isn’t there something in the bible that says real men don’t eat unleavened bread with an egg topping ?

    • Greg G.

      Where does it say you can’t put meringe on a pita?

      • Michael Murray

        Eeew. That would have to be even worse than quiche. There is only one way to serve meringue.


        • Greg G.

          I like it on chocolate pie… the way my grandmother made it… with a crust made from scratch.

        • Michael Murray

          Sounds good. What’s scratch ?

        • it means homemade, not bought from the store.

        • Michael Murray

          Oh that was dumb of me. So “made from scratch” as in “made from first ingredients”. I do know that meaning. It must be been something about the way it wrapped on screen that I read it as meaning made from something called scratch. Duh!

        • Greg G.

          Flour, water, shortening. I don’t know what else. Then it is rolled out with a rolling pin, folded over, rolled some more, many times to make it flaky.

          My aunt had trouble making pies with homemade crusts because they never turned out right. Then she happened to be visiting when Mom was making some pies and put the empty crusts in the oven before they were filled. Then it all made sense to her.

        • TheNuszAbides

          amen! my mum still whips up a good pav once in a while. (has visited regularly but left the mother country 55 yrs ago)