How to Help Your Son Fight These Three Dangerous Lies

2. “I can’t do anything right.”

You may think this isn’t as big of a deal as a boy thinking he’s stupid. In fact, the two thoughts infect and reinforce each other, and we have to confront both in order to shoot down either.

One thing many women don’t see is a hidden worry that burdens many most men: guys desperately want to be competent at what they do, but they also doubt themselves. The heart cry of a guy – whether he is fifteen or fifty – is “Do I measure up?” And your son (like your husband or boyfriend) is looking to the people around him for clues to the answer to that question.

When you applaud the positive, say “I’m proud of you,” and focus on what he’s done well (for example, the good grade after he studied hard) it soothes his real and painful worry that he is inadequate.  But when you make your disappointment clear (perhaps you sigh in exasperation at a bad grade, or immediately jump to what was wrong about how he washed the dishes rather than praising what was done right), it confirms the painful notion that he doesn’t measure up.  And as the “I’m stupid” example above shows, a boy who regularly feels that way will often simply stop trying. Because it is far less painful to not try, than to try and feel like a failure. As one boy described that inner thought, “If I don’t expect too much, I won’t be disappointed.”

Sure, you have to be able to address things that need improvement, but always find things to praise first and foremost. “Thanks so much for washing the dishes. That is such a help.  Sometime, I need to show you how certain dishes need to be soaked first, to get everything off.”