Dear Shaunti, Undoubtedly, the most effective punishment for my teenage daughter is taking away her cell phone. There’s just one little problem: she freaks out when I do. I’m certain I’d get less of a freak-out if I ordered her to sleep in a box in the yard for a week (hmmm…) What’s her deal? It’s not like she doesn’t see these kids in school! I’ll sign this letter with the name I’m best known for around the house these... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I just got out of a big meeting where one of my male co-workers got super annoyed with me and I don’t know why. We’re trying to land a big contract and he was presenting his strategy to the group and our boss. A couple of times, I politely asked why he came to a particular decision, so he could explain it. I felt like everyone would benefit from the clarification. But the last time I asked why... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I’m about to pull my very tired hair out. My wife and I know we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but our arguments only get worse the later they go. I love my wife, but I truly can’t think straight after 11pm. Last night, I got so angry I said some hurtful things I shouldn’t have said. I told my wife I needed some time to process but my wife kept insisting we couldn’t go to bed mad.... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I can hardly write this, I’m so upset by one of your columns. You shared that it was important for a woman to “take care of herself” for her husband, and that it was “the effort that mattered” not the results. First of all, this is a dangerous throwback to 1950’s America where the little woman was supposed to greet the conquering hero at the door in a skirt and high heels. The notion that a woman should have to do that makes me sick. But more important, I am deeply skeptical of your contention that the effort is what matters to men. Any man who says he wants his wife to take care of herself, is really saying that he wants the Sports Illustrated supermodel and if she doesn’t meet that standard, it’s time to trade her in for a newer model. I cannot believe that someone with your experience and education would be so susceptible to misogynistic propaganda. How can you possibly defend what these men are saying? Read more
Dear Shaunti, I wish my husband were more romantic. I love spending time with him—we work out together and go to the movies, you know, normal couple stuff—but some of my best friends have husbands who plan candlelit dinners or whisk them off on romantic getaways a lot. My best friend’s boyfriend just surprised her with a picnic on the Commons downtown over the weekend. And my husband? He asked me if I wanted to go hit golf balls. Sometimes I’m like: seriously? Golf balls?! What happened to the candlelight dinners, you know? Read more
Dear Shaunti, How do I get my wife to not play games, and just share what she’s thinking? Two days ago, we dropped off our youngest child at college, so my wife and I planned two days of empty-nester sightseeing on the way back. Yesterday was fine, but this morning, my wife seemed down, but she wouldn’t tell me why. It drives me nuts when she does that. I asked about four times, and finally she told me she was... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I feel like my husband is a total avoider. When we get into an argument, all he wants to do is ignore the situation and escape to the TV room. He doesn’t care that we need to talk it through. What can I do to get him to talk to me? Read more
Dear Shaunti, I read in your book that even happily married men struggle with looking at other women and even have images from the past pop-up in their minds. Does this mean that it’s OK for men to lust after women because they are wired this way? – Perplexed Dear Perplexed, No doubt about it, men notice attractive women. But let me clarify up front, there is a huge difference between a man who notices an attractive woman, and the... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I work long hours at a power plant, and my wife often sends me text messages or calls me about little issues happening that day. Like, a minor problem she’s having at the house. Or that our daughter skinned her knee at preschool. Or something came up with a dinner she’s planning. Usually, I can’t do much about it right then, which I know is frustrating to her. But that means she grabs me when I walk through... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I am definitely not the size I was when I married my husband. But honestly, 4 kids and 25 years later, I don’t see it ever happening. The problem is that I recently overheard my brother saying something about how happy he was, now that his wife was getting in shape. It irritated the stew out of me… but it also got me thinking. How important do you think it is to my husband that I’m not in... Read more
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