I asked him to elaborate and he said, “There are certain things that porn taught me are just part of sex, and they’re things we used to do that she doesn’t want to do anymore.” I didn’t ask him for specifics, but I was pretty sure he was talking about oral sex and/or anal sex which are both acted out in pornography with as much frequency as vaginal intercourse. I know this from my own past struggles with pornography.
He said, “I feel like with her not being willing to do ‘it’ anymore, she’s not wanting to give all of herself to me in the same way she used to and even in the same way she has given herself to many other men in her past. I mean, I’m her husband and she’s giving me LESS than she gave to random men she hooked up with before we were together.”
As my friend continued to process these complicated thoughts and feelings, I started to realize that his frustration with his sex life wasn’t just the result of a physical act that was now not happening; it had an emotional aspect to it as well. Sex is never just a physical act. He was picturing his wife giving “all of herself” to other men in her past in a way that she’s not now willing to give to him. He was taking her preference to stop doing certain things a a slap in the face. It was like she was saying those other men in her past were more worthy of her uninhibited sexuality than he was. He wasn’t just feeling sexually frustrated. He was feeling REJECTED and disconnected from his wife.
He asked with frustration in his voice, “Other than hurting each other or bringing someone else into the act (swinging), I don’t think ANYTHING should be ‘off limits’ in the bedroom for a husband and a wife! Am I wrong?”
Here’s what I told him...
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