How to Suck at Prayer

1. Prayer Preaching

God doesn’t always get to hear your wisdom, and neither do the rest of the people you’re praying with. Please take this moment to dispense such wisdom. After all, God wants to hear your thoughts here, that’s why he had you lead prayer.

2. Passive-Agressive Prayer
When you’re praying in a Group. Make sure to articulate exactly what bothers you about the other people, but do it in a way where you can deny that it was about them.

3. Speak Aphorisms Not Prayers
As wonderful as the old prayers are…don’t we feel like they lack a bit of flavor or spice? Sprinkle in some of that fortune cookie wisdom. Everybody loves those wisdom morsels!

4. Apply as many conditional requests as possible
“Lord Help me, but only in this specific way.” The Almighty needs instructions. Or at least he needs to send you a gift receipt in case what he gets you is the wrong thing.

5. “Give me the Sign, I want to see.”
They say if at first you don’t succeed. Try, Try Again! Remind God about this, he’s a busy dude. It’s like at a restaurant, if the food isn’t up to your standards, you send it back.

6. Use the word “Just” as much as possible.
God loves a negotiator. Be sure to haggle him down to the smallest miracle possible, so you get the best deal possible. Be sure to add conditional behaviors if your request is granted to sweeten the pot.