Jesus – the Perfect Conservative

Jesus – the Perfect Conservative October 23, 2011

In a post at RedState last December, Herman Cain wrote one of the silliest bits of religious and political nonsense you will ever read. After listing all of the things Jesus supposedly did, he declares him to be the perfect conservative.

He never condemned what others believed – just sin, evil and corruption.

He helped the poor without one government program. He healed the sick without a government health care system. He feed the hungry without food stamps. And everywhere He went, it turned into a rally, attracting large crowds, and giving them hope, encouragement and inspiration.

For three years He was unemployed, and never collected an unemployment check. Nevertheless, he completed all the work He needed to get done. He didn’t travel by private jet. He walked and sailed, and sometimes traveled on a donkey.

But they made Him walk when He was arrested and taken to jail, and no, He was not read any Miranda Rights. He was arrested for just being who He was and doing nothing wrong. And when they tried Him in court, He never said a mumbling word.

He didn’t have a lawyer, nor did He care about who judged Him.

His judge was a higher power.

The liberal court found Him guilty of false offences and sentenced Him to death, all because He changed the hearts and minds of men with an army of 12.

His death reset the clock of time.

Never before and not since has there ever been such a perfect conservative.

And never before have we seen a Republican presidential candidate quite this vacuous — and imagine the competition for that title.


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  • dingojack

    It’s nice to see Marko’s understanding of history is nearly as deep and penetrating as his knowledge of economics.

    If Marko’s knowledge puddle got any shallower it would be reduced to being only a few molecules of water spread over several square meters of very dry land.

    Dingo.

  • Ellie

    I’ve seen several forms of this over the years, both claiming conservative and liberal points of view. Therefore, it’s not only shallow, it isn’t even original. I do wonder at the mindset that would call a Roman court “liberal.”

  • The Christian Cynic

    The liberal court found Him guilty of false offences and sentenced Him to death, all because He changed the hearts and minds of men with an army of 12.

    Uh, liberal? Someone want to explain to me how the Sanhedrin would ever be classified as a liberal court except in the fevered brain of a delusional person?

    And seriously, claiming that Jesus healed the sick, fed the poor, etc. without the government is somehow a vindication of conservatism is incredibly twisted. One, Jesus wasn’t a government leader and couldn’t have enacted such programs anyway; two, those things were supernatural miracles, something that the current Republicans don’t exactly seem to have much of; three, if you want to talk about things ordinary people can do to take care of issues of poverty, hunger, and sickness, the fact that we even have to have government programs to address them should tell you something about the ability (or, less charitably, the desire) of individual groups to meet those needs without having larger government assistance.

    Ugh, there isn’t a single statement that doesn’t have some fundamental problem with it. That’s almost impressive.

    The notion of Jesus as the perfect conservative does remind me of a few lines from Derek Webb’s great song “A King and a Kingdom”:

    There are two great lies that I’ve heard:

    “The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”

    And that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class Republican

    And if you wanna be saved, you have to learn to be like Him

  • slc1

    The sad part of this is that Mr. Cain is not a stupid person, unlike Governor Perry, Representative Bachmann, and former Governor Palin. He has a BS in mathematics and a masters in computer science from reputable colleges. In this regard, he is akin to Governor Jindal of Louisiana, who is a creationist with a degree in biology from Brown, thus proving that intelligent people can believe in stupid things.

  • He walked and sailed, and sometimes traveled on a donkey.

    Shame it wasn’t his own donkey he rode on.

  • cyberax

    Well, he really WAS a perfect conservative, then.

  • njosprey

    Too bad they owner did not have LoJackass.

  • I am waiting for Herman’s version of the American Revolution. You know, when conservatives overthrew the liberal king.

  • DaveL

    For three years He was unemployed, and never collected an unemployment check.

    …Relying instead on the charity of others.

    He helped the poor without one government program. He healed the sick without a government health care system. He feed the hungry without food stamps.

    Confirming that the alternative proposed by conservatives for healing the sick and feeding the poor it literally to hope for a miracle.

    Uh, liberal? Someone want to explain to me how the Sanhedrin would ever be classified as a liberal court except in the fevered brain of a delusional person?

    Well, they were anti-Christian jews, you see.

    And let’s not forget that little incident where the cops busted in on Jesus’ after-dark garden party and he was found with a scantily clad young man who ran off naked.

  • danielkim

    Hmmmm . . . Jesus sleeping in a ‘park’, then evicted and detained by the police. Sounds just like OWS.

    Jesus took a little boy’s lunch to feed the thousands gathered to hear him. He borrowed Peter’s boat to preach from. He borrowed a donkey to ride into Jerusalem. The only time he is documented to have called for money, I think, was to pay taxes.

  • raven

    The liberal court found Him guilty of false offences and sentenced Him to death, all because He changed the hearts and minds of men with an army of 12.

    Oh really. Jesus was Jewish and didn’t have a whole lot of success with the people he came from, preached to, and spent his entire life with. The ones who saw him in person.

    Today, we call those people,…the Jews. They still don’t believe in him.

  • marymallone

    Of course he could heal the sick and feed the poor without government programs. He had magic. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to that resource, so we have to use non-supernatural means to deal with social problems.

  • Does this mean that miracles are required to make conservative policies effective? That’s not much of a selling point.

  • Kiwi Sauce

    feralboy12, my take is that miracles are always required to make conservative policies effective, especially the trickle down effect.

  • He helped the poor without one government program. He healed the sick without a government health care system. He fed the hungry without food stamps.

    Very odd.

    Is he comparing Jesus with the Federal Government, and lambasting the government for not being able to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, and heal the sick for free as Jesus did?

    Or is he comparing Jesus to his fellow conservatives and lambasting them for not clothing the poor, feeding the hungry, and healing the sick for free as Jesus did?

    Of course, Jesus only healed and fed a few people who just happened to be where he happened to be at the time. Not exactly a blueprint for national healthcare, even if you can whistle up magical solutions whenever you need them.

  • tacitus said:

    Very odd.

    Is he comparing Jesus with the Federal Government, and lambasting the government for not being able to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, and heal the sick for free as Jesus did?

    Or is he comparing Jesus to his fellow conservatives and lambasting them for not clothing the poor, feeding the hungry, and healing the sick for free as Jesus did?

    He is comparing Jesus to both, and saying that it is not the role of the government to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, or heal the sick– it is up to the people to do that for themselves and each other. And if they lack the means to do so, too bad…it’s their own fault for not being Jesus and having magical powers, I suppose.

  • Aquaria

    For three years He was unemployed, and never collected an unemployment check.

    Rather than looking for a job in that time, he hung out in town with his friends harassing people like any other punk.

    While he was mooching off his parents, and was rude to the mother who cleaned the racing stripes out of his robes.

    Yeah, that’s a really great example of someone to look up to.

  • jamessweet

    Most that little blurb is completely absurd (how in the FUCK does he get away with asserting that Jesus was condemned by a “liberal court”? That doesn’t even make sense), but I have to say, Cain is dead on the money with this point:

    He helped the poor without one government program. He healed the sick without a government health care system. He feed the hungry without food stamps.

    Indeed, every plan I’ve heard from conservatives about how to deal with health care or poverty seems about as likely to work as, say, trying to feed 500 people with a loaf of bread, or healing lepers by spitting on them or whatever it was Jeebus did.

    Jesus tried to solve the problems of the oppressed and impoverished using sleight of hand and empty promises. Yep, sounds like the perfect conservative!

  • “He didn’t travel by private jet.”

    I’m convinced!

  • Seriously though, I couldn’t get past the first one without laughing:

    He never condemned what others believed – just sin, evil and corruption.

    But modern-day conservatives condemn others for who they are and what they believe all the time! That’s practically what defines them. As for sin and corruption, they don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about it at all when it comes from their own ranks or from other rich white men.

  • kermit.

    Ignoring for the moment the question of whether there even was a person their myths describe…

    Jesus, who, in a cold rage, sat down on the steps of the Temple, braided a whip, then chased the moneylenders (bankers) off the premisses.

    Jesus, who said that it was impossible for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He even told an admittedly good and righteous young rich man that he still had to give up all his wealth to enter Heaven.

    Jesus, whose first recorded miracle was turning water into wine for a party (wedding).

    Jesus, who said that a follower’s duty to the government was to pay taxes.

    Jesus, who never said a word against abortion, but did say that anyone who mistreated a child was in that way mistreating him.

    Jesus, who said that if you were struck on the cheek by an enemy, you should offer him the other to strike.

    That Jesus?