Jesus Cured Reefer-Induced Lesbianism

Jesus Cured Reefer-Induced Lesbianism November 1, 2011

A “family values” lobbyist and Republican candidate for office in Virginia admitted to having a lesbian affair with a minor while she was a high school gym teacher — how cliche is that? — but says it was induced by smoking pot and getting an education — and Jesus fixed her all up.

A Republican woman running for a state government position in Virginia admitted that she had a lesbian encounter with a minor while working as a high school gym teacher.

Linda Wall, 61, said that she is a completely different person from the time when the relationship occurred, and now she consistently speaks out against legislation that she feels promotes homosexual lifestyles.

‘Forty years ago I was a different person. I was a heavy pot smoker with… impaired judgement and made some bad choices,’ she told a local Associated Press reporter…

On her campaign website, Ms Wall attributes her lesbian relationship to the wayward ways of her liberal college teachers.

‘When I went away to Longwood College, I allowed liberal professors to destroy my Judeo-Christian upbringing. I guess one could say I became the ‘prodigal daughter’. But when my rebellious years came to a close I knew it was the Lord that I needed.’ she writes on her campaign website.

She now considers herself an ‘ex-gay’ and is very verbal in her prediliction towards laws that support the ‘traditional’ family.

She currently lobbies on behalf of a conservative group opposed to same-sex marriages and adoption by same-sex couples called the Family Foundation.

See! Even when conservatives do bad things, it’s all the fault of liberals. And demon weed. And Jesus cures it all. Which means she has all new DNA, of course.


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  • Randomfactor

    So Jesus reversed her education, eh? It shows.

  • The only thing I ever did while stoned than I wouldn’t have ordinarily done is eat things like those convenience store micronuke burgers at 2 a.m. with a side of vinegar potato chips and a Dr. Pepper — three things I usually wouldn’t have eaten individually, much less in combination.

    It’s not like I took a couple of bong hits and thought: “You know what sounds like a totally cool idea? Sweaty man sex!”

    Pot doesn’t work like that.

  • had3

    Good thing she went w/jebus, cuz mohamed would’ve signed off on the attraction-to-children thing.

  • Call me a cynic. I’m guessing that there might have been a relapse.

  • John Hinkle

    I guess Longwood really wasn’t her type of college.

  • Crommunist

    The word is “lesbianity”, Ed.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKb3L6bukm0

  • arakasi

    Mrs Wall is actually running as an independent, which in Virginia means “too crazy for the Republicans”. And in Virginia, that’s saying something

  • Airplane Butcher

    Smoking pot will not cause you to have sex with a minor of the same sex. She already had the propensity for attraction to women.As for her “liberal education” I’m sure that they do not offer Abusing Your Postion of Authority to Gain Sexual Favors 101 class at Longwood.

  • CSB

    Wait, wait, it makes sense now.

    We know that a conversion to Christianity changes your DNA structure, as Ed pointed out. We also know that one’s sexual orientation is at least partly influenced by genetics.

    Therefore, a conversion to Christianity really can stop someone from being gay. Unfortunately, since there are also plenty of epigenetic factors in sexual orientation, the best that Jesus can do is turn you bi.

  • Ramel

    Does anyone have a source that’s not the Daily Fail?

  • frankb

    I guess the statute of limitations ran out on her little high school romp, but maybe she opened herself up to a civil suit. What I am not getting is her decision to admit breaking the law and victimizing a minor.

  • She probably admitted it — and made up the whole “Liberals broke me, Jesus fixed me” bit — when she realized her little secret was about to be blown.

  • She must be nuts as hell. She simply could have withdrawn her bid for office, no questions asked… Imagine a need for power so strong that you would be willing to “own-up” (she clearly had no chice)to sexual misconduct with a minor?

  • tbp1

    Didn’t she essentially admit to a pretty serious crime? I’m sure the statute of limitations has run out, but I still think that’s pretty stupid thing to do. Maybe someone was threatening to go public and she felt like she had to preempt them?

  • She is going for the Kneeling Christian vote, either taking a page from Newt’s “I asked God to forgive me” book or she’s playing the “I’m a victim” card.

    p.s. I like Kneeling Christian. Will use it often. Ha.

  • lofgren

    I knew there had to be a reason that none of the cute stoner chicks would date me in high school.

  • Aquaria

    Linda Wall, 61, said that she is a completely different person from the time when the relationship occurred, and now she consistently speaks out against legislation that she feels promotes homosexual lifestyles.

    ‘Forty years ago I was a different person. I was a heavy pot smoker with… impaired judgement and made some bad choices,’ she told a local Associated Press reporter…

    Is it possible to become a teacher when you’re 21 or younger in the UK? I looked online for how long it takes, but it’s a little confusing.

  • “Refer-Induced Lesbianism” would be a great name for an album.

  • Generally being a teacher takes 4 years of college so yes it’s just barely possible to become a teacher at 21 if your birthday falls just right and you entered college at 17. However she was a PE teacher and until pretty recently it wasn’t uncommon for physical education to be taught by someone who wasn’t a full teacher (2 year ed tech degree or none at all).

  • walton

    I would not judge her adversely for something stupid that she did forty years ago, considering that she now regrets it. An individual is not, in any meaningful sense, the same person at twenty-one and at sixty-one; not only does life-experience change one’s personality, the brain itself changes over time. Anecdotally, I’m not at all the same person that I was five years ago, or even two years ago; I haven’t even been alive for forty years, and I can barely begin to imagine how much a person’s character changes during that amount of time.

    I would, however, judge her adversely for the fact that she is now promoting idiotic bigoted anti-gay views. It is her current opinions that make her unfit to hold public office, not her behaviour forty years ago.

  • walton

    I would, however, judge her adversely for the fact that she is now promoting idiotic bigoted anti-gay views. It is her current opinions that make her unfit to hold public office, not her behaviour forty years ago.

    (I should add to this that her attempt to blame it all on liberals is completely ridiculous, and does not speak highly of her intelligence.)

  • Modusoperandi

    You people make me sick! Instead of liberally snarking her, you should be lauding her decision to lay bare her past that’s too late to prosecute her for and also wasn’t her fault. Acts like that take bravery. She’s a Modern American Hero, like Reagan and Jesus!

  • Maybe she shouldn’t have gone to a notoriously lesbian school if she wanted to blame someone or something else for being a homosexual.

  • Modusoperandi

    lorisee, there’s such a thing as lesbian school? Who’s their mascot, the Carpet Mun[…someone rushes in, knocks away keyboard…]

  • davidwaldock

    I this happened in the UK as someone suggested, then there is no statute of limitations on offences triable in crown court (where more serious offences are prosecuted).

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