Worldnutdaily Pimps Tebow Trash

Worldnutdaily Pimps Tebow Trash January 11, 2012

In the bookselling industry, there is a term for little religious trinkets that sell like magic among Christians — Jesus junk. One might now use a similar phrase for a subset of that profitable market and call it Tebow trash. The Worldnutdaily is actually selling bumper stickers that say “Tebow for president.” And they’re using numerology to sell them:

Everyone knows Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is a Christian who sports Bible verse “John 3:16″ painted into the black swaths under his eyes during games.

Actually, everyone should know that this isn’t true. In college he used different Bible verses painted into his eye black every week, not just that verse. But the NFL doesn’t allow messages of that kind, so he hasn’t done that in two years. But why let facts get in the way of a good marketing campaign?

But his miracle game Sunday that has the whole nation talking at water coolers today has 3:16 painted all over it.

It’s been widely reported that Tebow passed for exactly 316 yards.

But there’s more to the story.

He also averaged exactly 31.6 yards for each completed pass.

The viewing audience for the CBS game in the last quarter hour was 31.6 percent.

Some are calling that supernatural.

Yes, “some” are. Like you. Others — we call them rational people — think it’s nonsense. I especially like the stat on yards per completed pass. Yes, it was “exactly 31.6 yards” per catch. That’s because he had 316 yards and only completed 10 passes. It’s pretty basic math. And of course, at the bottom of the article is a link to buy the Tebow for president sticker. Which was the whole point in the first place. You gotta hand it to the Worldnutdaily; they know who their flock is and exactly how to fleece ’em.

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  • Why hasn’t Tim Tebow won every single game he has ever played in? Shouldn’t be a stretch if he’s God’s instrument on Earth.

    I came up with what I call the Tim Tebow Challenge. If he can win three successive Superbowls, I will become a born again Christian. So, I have at least until February of 2014 to continue reveling in my atheism. Let’s see how he does next week against the Patriots.

  • Ah but did you know that Tebow backwards spells wobiT?

    Now there’s a fact to conjure with.

  • wobeT the G-man is obviously not on my side

  • tmscott

    I’ve heard this before, but I think it bears repeating,

    If, as Tebow believes, his god intervenes on his behalf against his opponents, isn’t that cheating?

  • Michael Heath

    The Drudge Report also heavily promoted the 316 yards number. I assume for Mr. Drudge his doing it was a way to tweak secularists.

  • Randomfactor

    If he’d completed 100 passes for 3.16 yards each, THEN I might be impressed.

  • tommykey, brilliant!

    I think the 16 percent of atheists, agnostics and “nones” should all agree to that challenge.

    Surely their gawd could fix three Super Bowls in a row. Being that he’s all powerful.

    It’s not like he’s gotten off his ass to feed the millions starving around the world, to admonish those responsible for female genital mutilation, or any of the other dozens of things that a responsible deity would get to before intervening in the affairs of a moderately talented quarterback.

  • Ah, but he averaged 15.1 yards per attempt.

    Luke 1:51 in the NIV says:

    He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.

    This clearly means that Tebow is gay.

  • If, as Tebow believes, his god intervenes on his behalf against his opponents, isn’t that cheating?

    In fairness, I’m pretty sure Tebow doesn’t believe this. The douchebags at the WND presumably do, as did some asswipe preacher associated with Tebow’s church. But whatever Tebow’s other faults, he’s a bit classier than that.

  • So according to WND, God is a petty meddler who manipulates Denver Broncos football games against weak/injury-hit opponents just enough so that he can temporarily endow a mediocre quarter-back (last in the league in completion rate and in the bottom quarter of QB ratings) with just enough ability to throw a wobbly game-winning pass — but not always, just enough times to scrape into the playoffs.

    And WND thinks they are doing Christians a favor?

  • Doug Little

    The good news is we only need to put up with this shit for one more week. That is until next year, also when in Denver they need to move the place kickers back at least 20 yards on kickoff, it takes away from the game when the special teams cannot return kicks.

  • eric

    In college he used different Bible verses painted into his eye black every week, not just that verse. But the NFL doesn’t allow messages of that kind, so he hasn’t done that in two years.

    Subtle but amusing irony there. That Tebow – he’s outspokenly religious [when his employers let him], a rebel who’s going to show his support for God [within contractual limits], and nobody’s going to stop him [subject to NFL approval]!

    He makes me so proud, showing those nonbelievers that nothing can stop a believer from praying in public [as long as it doesn’t void the advertising agreements between the NFL and the networks]!

  • matty1

    He should use Matthew 6:6

  • jnorris

    I wonder if Tebow ever had Matthew 6:5-6 under his eyes?

    Matthew 6:5-6

    5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

    Hey Tebow: WWJD?

  • “The good news is we only need to put up with this shit for one more week.”

    Ha, you wish! By this time next week the Broncos will be preparing to play for the AFC championship and the Patriots will be preparing for next season.

    No, seriously, in all likelihood it will be over next week. But if it isn’t, Tebow mania will only get worse. That’s why I, as a Broncos fan, am actually terrified at the prospect of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl. We will never. hear. the end of it.

  • Alukonis, metal ninja

    I bet you $500 monopoly money that he has bible verses sewn into his jockstrap.

  • Aw, how nice of god to concern himself with these men who play games of entertainment while people around the world are homeless and starving, being tortured and killed, and wondering where the hell their almighty has gone.

  • I’m still trying to figure out how that was a “miracle game.” Ooo they won on the first play in overtime after having lead the whole game. I guess nowadays we have a pretty low threshold for an event to qualify as a “miracle.” Now if he had brought the team back from a 30-point deficit in the last 4 minutes, that would be miraculous!

  • d cwilson

    Obviously, there’s nothing more Christian than a man who makes his living bending over and putting his hands in between the legs of another man.

    But I do believe that it is entirely possible that Jesus is helping the Broncos win. I mean, Tebow is such a shitty thrower that divine intervention is the only possible way any of his receivers could catch one of his passes.

  • Just to clarify, I chose three Superbowls in a row because of, you know, the Trinity.

  • Doug Little

    Area Man,

    I truly feel for you brother. That’s not an enviable position to be in.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    Why hasn’t Tim Tebow won every single game he has ever played in?

    Because the Patriots have chariots of iron?

    (Judges 1:19)

  • Reginald Selkirk

    It’s been widely reported that Tebow passed for exactly 316 yards.

    Whoop-a-dee. Yardage on a passign play includes whatever the receiver picks up after the catch. Note that on the game-winning play, most of the yards fall into this category.

  • John Hinkle

    And they’re using numerology to sell them…

    Numerology is nonsense. My astrologer told me.

    AreaMan:

    He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thighs.

    Heh, thighs.

  • highdudgeonaz

    “Jesus plus nothing,” indeed.

  • Azkyroth

    Why hasn’t Tim Tebow won every single game he has ever played in? Shouldn’t be a stretch if he’s God’s instrument on Earth.

    God’s instrument is out of tune?

  • At least Tebow’s job is just throwing balls. It’s the fighting sports guys that thank God that are really eye rolling. Yep, you’re thanking God because he helped you beat on someone.

  • eric

    I, as a Broncos fan, am actually terrified at the prospect of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl.

    I wouldn’t be.

    Tebow: “Jesus, please help us beat the Steelers.”

    Jesus: “No problemo.

    later Tebow: “And Jesus, please help us beat the Patriots.”

    Jesus: “I have your back.”

    later Tebow: “Jesus, you’ve already done so much for us, but can you help us beat the Ravens/Texans?”

    Jesus: “Sure thing, buddy.”

    later Tebow: “Jesus, after all you’ve done I feel like a cad for asking, but could you see your way to helping us win the superbowl?”

    Jesus: “Have you seen the way freaking Green Bay is playing?”

  • briandavis

    And of course, at the bottom of the article is a link to buy the Tebow for president sticker.

    $3.16?

  • eidolon

    Just want to point out that St. Timmy does not, in fact, have anything printed on his eye black patches. I think the NF of L put a stop to that. I just looked at a large collection of game pics and no verses.

  • tbp1

    I know I’m not the first to wonder about this, or even the millionth, probably, but why is Tim Tebow working on the Sabbath in the first place?

  • harold

    Tebow wins when he either plays teams that are so much worse than the Broncos overall that the Broncos can beat them without much of a passing game, or when defenses take that idea that “Tebow can’t pass” literally. He can pass. He can’t pass very well, very consistently, for an NFL quarterback, but if you defend key plays as if he literally “can’t pass” at all, you will get burned. I was a bit surprised that people who make a lot of money as NFL defensive coordinators still hadn’t figured this out.

    I think the 16 percent of atheists, agnostics and “nones” should all agree to that challenge.

    Surely their gawd could fix three Super Bowls in a row. Being that he’s all powerful.

    There are 8 teams left as I write this, but Denver is considered weaker than most of them, so it isn’t fair to say that Denver has a 1/8 chance of winning this year. Let’s say 1/16 (subjective adjustment).

    It probably is fair to say that they have about 1/32 chance of winning next year (they are about average overall, so no adjustment needed).

    The probability of Denver winning the next three superbowls is thus merely (1/16)(1/32)(1/32) = approximately 1/16,384. Not particularly astronomical. This event would most certainly not cause me to convert to right wing authoritarian Christianity.

    The probability of Denver ever having a string of three superbowl victories, within “n” seasons, gradually approaches “1” as “n” approaches infinity.

    Assuming Tebow does not live over 900 years like his Biblical hero Methuseleh, his career might last, say, ten years.

    The probability of at least one consecutive string of three consecutive superbowls by Denver in that period can be estimated using the Poisson approximation. http://people.ccmr.cornell.edu/~ginsparg/INFO295/mh.pdf

    I won’t bother (and it is somewhat subjective what “p” you assign to each individual season, although 1/32 seems reasonable to me), but this event is, of course, even more likely than Denver winning exactly the next three superbowls.

    This would not necessitate a miraculous intervention.

    Now, I do consider any loss of any football game by any team featuring Tim Tebow to be proof that claims of divine intervention are false or meaningless.

    The onus is on those who make the extraordinary claim. If Tebow is favored by an omnipotent god, he should always win, unless it is identified in advance that his opponents in some particular game are even more favored by said omnipotent god. If this isn’t the case, the hypothesis that a god intervenes to help Tebow is suspect, and at best meaningless.

  • exdrone

    Anatomically correct, naked, man-god figurine on a crucifix = “Jesus junk”

  • How come Tebow didn’t blame god for his loss. And for that matter Drew Breese was on the jesus channel this week and his jesus luck ran out too. And you know all these sports channels had there panties in a wad because Tebow is a religious kook. I couldn’t watch a sports channel without seeing Tebow bullshit. What a bunch of cock gobblers.