The Christian Right Beatitudes

The Christian Right Beatitudes March 31, 2012

During a conversation over dinner tonight, I had a sudden epiphany that someone ought to write up a new list of beatitudes to reflect what the Christian right in this country actually believe, as taught by their version of Jesus. Here’s the new list:

Blessed are the filthy rich, for they shall inherit offshore accounts on the Isle of Man and the Caymans and be showered with tax breaks to free up cash to spend on their mistresses.

Blessed are the wingnuts, for they shall be taken seriously in politics despite being hopelessly ignorant about nearly everything.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth — but only after the powerful screw things up so badly that it’s only good for a Superfund site.

Screwed are they who mourn, for they shall have much more to mourn about soon.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they are lucky not to be the poor in finances because those people are screwed by deeper and deeper spending cuts.

Screwed are they that hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be subjected to unconstitutional surveillance, denied access to courts to challenge the government’s abuse and, quite possibly, sent to Gitmo.

Screwed are the peacemakers, for they shall be labeled as traitors for daring to question the government’s latest justification for blowing up a nation full of brown-skinned people who’ve done nothing to harm or threaten us.

Blessed are the bigots, for they shall be pandered to by the Republican party in a desperate attempt to exploit their ignorance and fear.

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  • Damn. That’s an accurate rendition of today’s radical-right Christian perspective. I wonder … Should I take a copy to my father’s home for Easter and read it aloud for everyone’s enjoyment?

    Probably not.

  • Reginald Selkirk
  • Aliasalpha

    “Blessed are the women for they… bwahahaha sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face there, they’re utterly fucked”

  • ambassadorfromverdammt

    Blessed are the deliberately ignorant, for they shall be given lobbyists.

  • abb3w

    Blessed are the job creators, for…?

  • cynix

    I’d edit the last to remove the “by the republican party”. Granted they do a better job at it than almost anyone else but they haven’t cornered the bigot or pandering market by a long shot.

  • ambassadorfromverdammt


    Blessed are the women for they shall receive God’s Gift over and over until they die in childbirth.

  • jasmyn

    Yeah…that about sums it up.

  • frankb

    Blessed are the little children for they shall receive the love of P… No, I can’t finish that. It is too tragic.

  • Zugswang

    Blessed are the job creators, for…?

    Blessed are the job creators, for they are given silver spoons to scoop from the bowls of the less fortunate and claim it as charity that they did not also take their bowls.

  • zerotarian

    “Blessed are you when you insult others, persecute them and falsely say all kinds of evil about them for My sake. Especially teh gayz and women who use hormonal birth control.”

  • dingojack

    “Blessed are the pacemakers for they stop Cheney going to meet his maker”.


  • michelleputhoff

    Blessed is the white man’s penis, because it is never in the wrong place. Some slut couldn’t keep an aspirin between her knees.

  • bahrfeldt

    Blessed are the lying tongues, the false at heart and those who deny their neighbors so as to bear false witness against them, for they shall prosper, rule and forsake all righteousness.

    Blessed are those who judge, for they shall not be judged.

    Blessed are the greedy, for they shall reap the rewards of the labors and lives of others who shall do their work for them.

  • abear

    Ed; You should offer Andy “Conservapedo” Schlaffly your services for his Conservative Bible Project, that is unless you object to putting old grape juice into new skins.

  • Blessed are the bigots, for they shall be pandered to by the Republican party in a desperate attempt to exploit their ignorance and fear.

    AND they shall be appeased and tiptoed around by the Democratic party, with concessions made to them in nearly all legislation.

  • Nepenthe

    This jives pretty well with the actual Beatitudes, no? Basically, this world will suck, but it’s okay, and you shouldn’t try to change it because everything will be all better when you reach Big Rock Candy Mountain and your landlord/employer/king doesn’t.

  • sundoga

    5, abb3w – What job creators? Are you talking about the same a-holes that fire thousands at the dip of a profit margin and shove all of their businesses overseas?

  • birgerjohansson

    (slightly OT).Science under fire from ‘merchants of doubt’: US historian

    Blessed are the merchants of doubt, for they will delay everything until it is too late…

  • kermit.

    sundoga: Hush! The emperor’s clothes are very fine indeed. We don’t want to have any trouble here.

    [looks about nervously]