Jesus to Return on my Dad’s Birthday

Jesus to Return on my Dad’s Birthday May 7, 2012

More accurately, Jesus is already here. Kind of. But on June 30, my father’s birthday, Jose de Luis de Jesus, leader of a weird little Christian cult called Growing in Grace International, is going to be “transformed” and will become immortal and reveal himself to the world. And his followers are going to become superheroes. Oh, and we’re all going to die too.

The group, which they say has branches in five Canadian cities and members in more than 130 countries, believes that on June 30 (or July 1 across the international dateline), their Texas-based leader and his followers will be transformed, said Alex Poessy, the group’s bishop in Canada.

To spread the word, Growing in Grace put up billboards in Toronto this week featuring Mr. de Jesus.

“That day, the body of Jose de Luis de Jesus, who is a human like you and me, his flesh is going to be immortal…. He’s going to be living forever. And that will happen to him, but also his followers.”

But, said Mr. Poessy: “All those that are not believers are going to be destroyed.” …

But Mr. de Jesus also predicts that the “transformation” will endow him, and his loyal followers, with superpowers, such as the ability to fly and walk through walls, said Axel Cooley, the bishop’s daughter.

“[We can] run and not get tired. Go through fire and not get burned…. I could be talking to you right now, and then I could go through that wall. So, you’ll know there is a difference,” Cooley said.

So they’ll have that going for them. Which is nice.

If I call this bullshit, would that make a bully?

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  • davidmc

    Cooley could be talking to me right now, if they were I would probably help her through that wall, if a window werent available

  • schmeer

    I demand a wall-walking demonstration, followed by a fire-proof demo. The demonstrator may reconsider the second portion of the event if a broken nose develops.

  • Jordan Genso

    But Mr. de Jesus also predicts that the “transformation” will endow him, and his loyal followers, with superpowers, such as the ability to… walk through walls.

    So rather than drinking Kool-Aid, they’re each going to become the Kool-Aid Man.

    “Oh yeah!”

  • hkdharmon

    I am so looking forward to the excuses that come about on July 1 when we all are not destroyed and they can’t walk through walls. Let me guess, it will either be 1) “We got the date wrong. It will really happen on XX date.” or 2) “It was ‘spiritual immortality’ and ‘spiritual destruction’. I just wanna see some “spiritual flying and walking through walls”.

    I’m betting on #2. Oh, and there is a good chance De Jesus will disappear, at least for a while.

  • anandine

    The statement makes it easy to figure out how many followers he hasP: Exactly 144,000

  • jimmiraybob

    …Texas-based leader…

    Good placement, right up front. Saved me some reading.

  • Mr Ed

    Is there a cut off for joining and still getting my super powers? Is there a membership or application fee (or royalties to Marvel), do I get to pick my super power or am I going to wind up being Moist?

  • Randomfactor

    Dammit, I just got a bet down on the May 27th Rapture…

  • zippythepinhead

    I was Jesus for a while, but then the meds kicked in.

  • Doug Little

    Can someone please be standing by with a flamethrower so we can prove if he has actually been transformed. It’s not everyday you get such a black/white opportunity to test a religious claim. They say they can go through fire and not get burned, I say we test that claim.

  • MikeMa

    There appears to be no limit as to the number of times such ridiculous prophesies fail. Kind of short notice here if the goal is to maximize donations.

  • baal

    Let’s hope they don’t plan to grease the wheels by attempting mass murder ala Aum Shinrikyo’s Sarin gas attack (1995).

  • You know, just know that Mr. de Jesus is, right now, plotting his excuses to explain why none of this came to pass.

    Probably something original like, “My calculations were in error. It’s actually going to happen on June 30 (July 1), but I haven’t narrowed down the year. I’ll get back to you…”.

  • raven

    The End is Near (Again)! | Dispatches from the Culture Wars

    12 Jan 2012 – Having survived two predicted collisions with the end of the world in 2011, … The leader of the Church of God – PKG (Ronald Weinland), an offshoot of Herbert Armstrong’s Worldwide Church of God,

    says Jesus is coming back on May 27, 2012.

    Isn’t going to happen.

    We know this because Ronald Weinland says the End of the World is May 27, 2012.

    Really, that should be the end of Ronald Weinland. According to Deuteronomy, false prophets are to be stoned to death. That would take care of our fundie problem if they ever actually followed their magic book.

  • raven

    The End of the World seems to be happening more and more often.

    It used to happen once every year or two. Now it is every few months.

    I blame it on Harold Camping. He raised many millions of dollars while being wrong three times.

    looks like every sociopathic religious leader was taking notes. It’s an easy way to raise lots of money quick.

  • Loqi

    I must say, those are pretty lame superpowers. Every other superhero can fly, and those who can’t can jump far enough with perfect in-air control that it’s indistingushable from flight. Running and not getting tired? Come on, a few months of marathon training can do that. Fireproof? Snore. They’ll never get me interested with those benefits. Point me to a cult where I get psychic powers or the ability to shapeshift.

  • jasmyn

    Last year, my birthday was to be celebrated with the beginning of the end. Harold Camping promised that on May 21, the end would be upon. As a heathen, I was pretty excited about such events just to celebrate me turning 22. Then it didn’t happen. So I guess what I’m trying to say is to not get your hopes up, Ed. There probably won’t be any grand events for your dad’s birthday, even if he deserves it.

  • chilidog99

    I think someone from the church should sue hollywood for stealing their ideas.

  • cag

    I wait with bated breath the inevitable backlash from christians over the blasphemous billboards. And wait, and wait, and wait…… (Matthew 24:35-36)

  • jnorris

    Alas, we, the non-believers, cannot test Mr de Jesus’ claims as we are to be destroyed on June 30/July 1.

    but I do have a question: what good are superpowers if there is no one around without superpowers to impress? If everyone can fly then so what?

  • I saw it on the internet, so it must be true!

  • I hope no insurance company has a policy on de Jesus. I have this feeling he’ll either do something stupid to prove his immortality and kill himself, or one of his followers will test it for him and kill him.

  • So they’ll have that going for them. Which is nice.

    If I call this bullshit, would that make a bully?


  • birgerjohansson

    Will Yeshua ben Joseph be immune to kryptonite?

  • Moggie

    Nobody fucks with de Jesus.

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  • dingojack

    Moggie (#25) – except for Mary M – and John (on the DL).

    🙂 Dingo

  • Skip White

    The Justice League should sue.

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Wot de hell kind of a cult goes by the acronym GIGI?

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  • dingojack

    Pierce R. Butler – perhaps they revere Maurice Chevalier’s addiction to little girls, or the limply camp stylings of Vincente Minnelli?

    But I agree they are certainly misnamed. They should be known as: ‘Grovelling in Guano Organisation’. That would be truth in advertising.

    🙂 Dingo

  • stace

    Awesome! That’s my birthday too! Maybe I can gets me some Jesusness by proxy.