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Conservapedia Does the Olympics

Conservapedia Does the Olympics August 7, 2012

Looking at the Conservapedia entry for the 2012 Summer Olympics is almost enough to convince me that the entire site is one big Poe. There’s so much stupid piled into this entry that I fear it may hit critical mass and explode. The entry declares that “the pagan origins of the Olympics have been replaced by faith-based achievement by the participating athletes” and then goes on to compile a huge list of the great political questions they think surround particular events by asking questions like this one:

will atheist nations underachieve in team sports?

In women’s soccer, France finished with two wins and a loss and came in second in their group, which also included the United States (see below). They will face Sweden in the quarterfinals. Great Britain finished with a perfect 3-0-0 record and will face Canada in the quarterfinals.

On the men’s side, Great Britain won their group with 2 wins and a draw. They will face South Korea in the quarterfinals.

Australia failed to qualify for either soccer event. This was their first time attempting to qualify out of the Asian Zone instead of the significantly weaker Oceanic Zone, so this may have been a factor. They will, however, send teams in most other team sports, since they qualify from the Oceanic Zone in those.

In women’s basketball, France is 3-0, Australia is 2-1, and Great Britain is 0-3. All three are in the same six-team group, from which the top 4 advance to the quarterfinals. The French are guaranteed to advance, and the Australians almost certainly will as well.

In women’s handball, Great Britain is 0-2 and France is 1-1. The top four in each of the two groups advance to the quarterfinals.

In men’s basketball, Great Britain and Australia, both in Group B, are 0-2. France, in Group A, is 1-1. The top four in each group advance to the quarterfinals.

In men’s volleyball, Australia split its first two games, while Great Britain is 0-2. The top 4 in each group advance to the quarterfinals. In women’s volleyball, Great Britain is 1-1. Again, the top 4 teams out of 6 advance to the quarterfinals.

So apparently, Great Britain, France and Australia are “atheist nations.” And that apparently has something to do with how successful they’re likely to be at team handball. Or something. And along those same lines:

Similarly, will atheist nations underachieve in general?

Increasingly atheistic Great Britain did not win its first gold medal until Day 5 (August 1), despite having all the advantages of being the host nation. China, an officially atheist and communist country, leads the standings with 13 gold medals. Despite having more than three times the population of the United States and despite having a national program designed to produce champion athletes, China is trailing the USA in total medals (24-23) part of the way into Day 5, and has 13 gold medals to the United States’s 9. Somewhat atheistic France is a distant third in total golds with 4. Australia has 1 gold and 6 total medals.

So in other words, two of the top three nations in terms of winning medals are “atheistic,” which obviously has a direct effect on their performance in every event, right? Or not. And then there’s this bizarre question, which is clearly answered in the negative with their own data:

Will almost no athletes from public school sports programs win any gold medals, despite how public schools spend more than $500 billion annually to teach and train Americans?

American 2012 Olympic gold medal winners (as of 8/1/2012)

Public schools: Michael Phelps (but his swimming was with a private club, like most public schooled swimming medalists), Nathan Adrian, Allison Schmitt, Shannon Vreeland, Ryan Lochte, Matt Grevers, Aly Raisman, Kyla Ross, Ricky Berens

Private: Missy Franklin (Catholic high school), Conor Dwyer (Catholic high school)

Homeschooled: Gabby Douglas, McKayla Maroney

Unknown: Dana Vollmer, Vincent Hancock, Kim Rhode, Jordyn Wieber,

Other: Kristin Armstrong (high school in Japan)

So in fact, the overwhelming majority of the gold medal winners have been public school students. I can’t imagine what that has to do with anything, but apparently there’s someone at Conservapedia keeping track of such things for some weird, unstated reason. And yes, it gets even weirder. About the U.S. women’s soccer team:

ranked #1 and won the gold in the last two Olympics, most recently with a foreign coach. Now that this U.S. team is politically correct, will it underachieve?

Okay, so having a non-American coach makes the team “politically correct” and therefore it’s worth keeping an eye to see if that makes them lose … to another team that would be made up entirely of non-Americans. Okey dokey. But when it comes to men’s handball, they’ve got the real scoop:

Will heavy underdogs Tunisia overperform in Group A? Group A should perhaps be dubbed the “Group of Left”, since the other five teams are Sweden, Iceland, and Argentina, where same-sex marriage is legal, and increasingly atheistic Great Britain and France.

They lost to Sweden in their first game, 28-21. This was followed by a 32-22 loss to Iceland.

ZOMG! They lost to liberal countries that don’t hate gay people! This must prove … well, nothing. It proves that Sweden and Iceland are probably better at handball than Tunisia.

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