Even Jacobs’ Daughter Can Change the Weather

Even Jacobs’ Daughter Can Change the Weather February 19, 2013

Mike Jacobs, husband of unhinged looney tunes Cindy Jacobs, makes another of their famous uncheckable claims that their five year old daughter can “rebuke” a tornado and make it stop. I bet it was right after the girl finished eating from the bottomless spaghetti bowl.


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  • I once tried to rebuke the weather. It was a beautiful summer day, and it started to rain. My friends and I wanted to spend more time outside so I raised my hands to the sky and shouted, “Stop raining right now!”

    Two seconds later we heard a rumble and the clouds opened up to a downpour. Yea… didn’t work so well, huh?

  • docsarvis

    If these people were pushing anything other than religion they’d be locked away in a padded room for their own protection. I feel sorry for their daughter.

  • Didaktylos

    It takes no time at all to eat from a bottomless spaghetti bowl, on account of, having no bottom, you can’t keep spaghetti in it.

  • What, was three too young for her to perform miracles back in 2011 when 158 people died in Joplin? Funny how their powers only seem to work where disasters haven’t happened.

  • dingojack

    And Here’s one of Jacobs’ forebears stopping the tide.You can’t explain that!



  • roggg

    I believe it. Every tornado I have ever rebuked has dissipated. We’d be overrun with tornadoes by now if not for me. You’re welcome.

  • But wait — I thought that tornadoes were god’s punishment for teh gey?

    Why would god allow a mere human to stand in the way of his divine retribution?

    I’m so confused.

  • tubi


    roggg, I thought that was me. I’ve been rebuking tornadoes for the last 20 years. Maybe I should switch to superstorms instead. They seem to need rebuking lately.

  • dingojack

    See, there aren’t any tigers around here, are there?


  • As a kid, I once did some dramatic poses that ended with me forcefully pointing at my static-filled TV. The cable came back on that instant. Am I a sorcerer?

  • Larry

    How, exactly, does one rebuke a weather system? And wouldn’t talking to it gently and with compassion instead of railing at it make it more inclined to not be such a dick? Living here on the west coast, I’m more interested in rebuking earthquakes rather than storms. Can she do that as well or is she simply a one-trick pony?

  • raven

    Guess what the Jacob’s daughter is going to be when she grows up?

    A con girl and then a con woman.

    There is a tradition of child evangelists with magic super powers in fundie land.

    It can be quite profitable. Robertson is a billionaire. Beck has a recent $100 million. The Crouches of TBN have 12 mansions, several private jets, and some lawsuits, among many other toys.

    They say they want to save your soul but they always seem a lot more interested in the money.

  • Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    It takes no time at all to eat from a bottomless spaghetti bowl, on account of, having no bottom, you can’t keep spaghetti in it.

    It’s no use, Didaktylos, it’s spaghetti all the way down.

  • shouldbeworking

    I need new glasses. I read that as “reduce tomatoes”. “Rebuke tornadoes” is a little less realistic but much more useful, if it works. Will her skills be available for real testing or, like her parents’ grasp of reality, are they very sporadic?

  • ottod

    “…Cindy and I, we’re the adults…” ?

  • thebookofdave

    They were rebuking the storm like they were taught to? I sure would love to be a fly on the wall at their disaster preparedness drills.

  • tassilo

    It’s all in the timing. If you wait long enough, you can rebuke any tornado.

  • Just the other day, the local catholic radio station had some priest on who claimed that he stopped raindrops in midair while evangelizing Guatemalans. He also claims to have preached, in English to a dozen different Guatemalan tribes (who spoke no English or Spanish, but understood him perfectly) and also claimed to have seen a miraculous multiplication of food and drink (a la Cindy).

    The fact that he was discussing these things soberly and humbly with the show’s host simply made me think all the more what a shameless liar he was — and how far more deceptive he is compared with the Jacobs buffoonery. After all, an educated priest should know better.

  • raven

    It’s all in the timing. If you wait long enough, you can rebuke any tornado.


    I’ve been in charge of the west coast tornado, hurricane, and space rock Pagan central defense team working with the Aesir for a decade. There have been very few tornados, no hurricanes, and no space rocks.

    The person in charge of wild fire and earthquake defense hasn’t been very effective though. We are starting to think they might be a closet xian.

  • sezme


    Yeah, I caught that too. While I was having dinner. Now I have to clean all the spaghetti off my screen.

  • lofgren

    Why would god allow a mere human to stand in the way of his divine retribution?

    This is a mistake that atheists commonly make. We think that just because a little girl is able to invoke God’s name and magically rebuke an evil storm, that therefore she should be able to rebuke all storms.

    In fact it is perfectly internally consistent to say that some storms are the work of God and are sent to indiscriminately murder people because He has granted some other people desires and urges that they stubbornly refuse to resist even though He also had some ancient people write in a book that they should. Those storms cannot be rebuked. But other storms are the work of anarchic demons. These storms also kill indiscriminately, but the demons don’t really care whether people resist their God-given urges or not, so they can be rebuked.

    See it all makes perfect sense now.

  • gratch

    The more I hear these Jacob’s nutjobs speak the more it leads me to believe that they haven’t been reading the bible so much as falling asleep in front of the TV while the X-Men was on. I’ll bet if someone asks he she’ll confirm that God sounds like a lot like Captain Picard.

  • dingojack

    Or worse – like Gandalf!.


  • lofgren

    “Talks like Gandalf, but with a genocidal streak and a Jewish cultural identity” is actually a perfect description of both Magneto and Jehovah.